Management Trainee-"Water Cooler Convo's"

You're thirsty. However you are not thirsty for water, you're thirsty to talk shit with a fellow co-worker. I have noticed a trend since working in a corporate setting; the water cooler hears more trash talk than anyone else in the office. You're probably thinking, "No that's not true, I just go over there and drink 1 or 100 cups of water 3-4 times a day." Think about your topic of conversation with fellow co-workers. It probably starts off, "Yeah so you're kid is in school...okay...yeah...my weekend was fun...." Eventually it turns into, "So did you hear Frank is cheating on his wife?...I know what a scumbag!....Hey, you didn't hear it from me!....Oh I would def f*** Frank's wife."

A prime example was THIS MORNING at MY office. A referral came by and dropped off doughnuts for everybody (which was huge...) and the doughnuts were centered around the water cooler. As soon as one of my co-workers walked away we started talking about her. It was not anything to intense. The conversation centered around how we would do ridiculous things to her if she wasn't engaged to some douche twice her age.

The water cooler is also A GREAT WAY to spit game at a co-worker you're interested in. You could start by getting her a cup of water and using some cheesy pick-up like, "Can I plug my Firewire into your USB?" or maybe, "Do you come here often?" You will either look like a complete loser (prob. if you use the USB reference) or you will come off with some charm.

I challenge you to start paying attention to your water cooler conversation material. A quick hint of advice: Don't walk away from the water cooler with others still talking....they will probably switch conversation to you.

Great ways to become a water cooler badass:

-Talk about other people

-Invite people to the water cooler with you (that way when you come into the break room you have a posse). Make sure you are better than the people you invite along.

-Bring your own cup for water (some cup that has your favorite sports team on it or some phrase like, "Don't hassle me I'm local")

-Drop a business card at a girl's desk that says, "Me, you, water cooler 2:30pm- Be there."

It's all about taking care of business

I Love My Girlfriend - "EBay Item Of The Week - Pet or Child Casket"

You're going to have to click on the picture to FULLY appreciate this Ebay item of the week...

Get a good look? Alright, great. Now please tell this doesn't creep you out a little! Ebay actually devotes a whole section to funeral stuff...wow! It's pretty sick the world we live in now that we can try to outbid other people who just lost a loved one for a sweet deal on a shiny, new casket!

Alright, get grab another close look at the picture and we'll go over some of the details below...

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

-79 freaking views?! Really? Who the hell are you people?!

-Does the plastic doll in the casket with flowers NOT bother anybody else?

-If anybody can translate...please help! It gives me a head ache trying to piece together this mess... I personally like how they spelled 'dirty'.

"UP a Pet or Child Coffin is a Doll in the Coffin . and was only used for show . Fiber glass it green white in side I dont know what it is it is not durty at all and no scaches on the casket it is about 3 foot long 2 1/2wide "

-If you are expecting a pet OR child death soon, you better hurry because bidding ends in 4 days and you sure as hell don't want to miss out on this deal!

-Shipping takes 4-11 days??? Does anybody else see something wrong with that?

I Love My Girlfriend - Top Google Searches - Why do white/black people..."

Wow, this is good stuff. I can actually imagine millions of white and black people doing a Google Search about the others. I know that I usually answer the actual Google Searches...but I'm going to steer clear of that this time around for obvious reasons. However, I will name my favorite for both searches.

-Why do white people...smell like wet dogs when they come out of the rain?

-Why do black people...have nappy hair?

Feel free to use the comments section to answer some of these questions...play nice!

Whiskey Dick- "Tennessee Ernie Ford- This Kid"

I ususally don't post videos like this one, but this is priceless. It might of been the whiskey in my drink or just the fact that the kid sitting to the right of Ernie Ford rocks out hard to this song, either way this video killed me. Obviously the kid is hilarious but the look on Ernie Fords face is great. Tennesssee Ernie Ford, being from Tennessee, made this video acceptable to post and paints a perfect picture of the good ole days and the great ole oldies.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Where A Kid Can Be A...GREMLIN"

Unreal...that's the first word that comes to my mind after my visit to Chuck E. Cheese's yesterday. I went with my mom and two little cousins ages 8 and 6 for their birthday. It had been F-O-R-E-V-E-R since I had last been there and wow, have things changed! What once was so awesome as a kid is now a living nightmare.

I'll admit, I was pretty pumped when we pulled into the parking lot. I had my cousins shaking in excitement for the ensuing entertainment. We got inside after the 16 year old and zit-faced "bouncer" stamped our hands and lifted the red velvet rope. In no less than 5 seconds my cousins were lost amongst the rest of the running and screaming gremlins. No worries though, we knew they'd come back and find us...they had no tokens. My mom went to the counter to purchase one of their 'combo packs' that included a pizza, drinks, and tokens. I casually asked the miserable looking "bouncer" if it was happy hour yet. I guess he didn't get the joke as he replied, "Every hour is a happy hour here at Chuck E. Cheese's!"

My mom and I set up base at one of the tables in the most quiet part of the building...which didn't really exist. A quick look around of the place gave me a pretty good laugh. Parents sitting at other tables looked on the verge of suicide. As soon as I got the tokens, my cousins reappeared. They were already sweating and had about 50 tickets in their hands somehow. Either way, I fearlessly lead them into the mayhem.

Just try to imagine this. At least 100 kids with no parents buzzing around your knees as you attempt to walk. These kids are sweating profusely and running around with pizza and sodas in their hands while screaming like a banshee. I'm talking about crazed kids leaving their sweat and grease stains on everything they touch like a slug. It's hard to think because of the high-pitched squealing. These little terrors are crashing into my legs, falling over slightly stunned from the impact, and then back on their feet like nothing happened. It was quite a scene.

There was one point at Chuck E Cheese's where I realized what the place really was...a casino for kids. There were games that resembled actual casino games that you played to win tickets. I could already tell which of my cousins was going to be the gambling addict. I'd give him two tokens at a time and he would be back in 30 seconds for more and only 2 tickets to show for it. I made him take a lap in the "sky tubes" to slow down his token intake.

The highlight of the experience was one dad would had the right idea on how to enjoy himself at Chuck E. Cheese's. Luckily, the joint sells beer to miserable parents. This one dad who looked extremely miserable when I had just walked in was having the time of his life when we were getting ready to leave. He fit right in with the kids after a while of boozing pretty hardcore. From showing his kids how to cheat in skee ball to playing in the ball pit, the man was in his element. Needless to say, his wife was pretty upset with him when they were asked to leave. But wow, what a pioneer and idol for all to witness.

All in all, not too bad of a day at ole Chuck E. Cheese's. That damn rat/koala/mouse/whatever the hell it is sure does know how to entertain the little gremlins.

5th Year Senior- "Chris Brown Apologizes"

Give me a break! Chris Brown has been through a lot for beating up Rihanna, and rightfully so. You've tried to live your life to make people around you proud? So this is something that you have to keep in control? No sympathy whatsoever. Go back to making shitty music and keep your mouth shut. You got off easy. You should have served jail time, like everyone who engages in domestic violence. Hopefully this all will end up hurting his career as there is no excuse for what occurred.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Landon Donovan Look-Alike"

US Soccer dropped a pretty dissappointing loss to Brazil last month in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. I've never really played soccer before but I can't help but watch and cheer on the US soccer team. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now but I couldn't help but notice that Landon Donovan looks just like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Maybe it's the receeding hairline...I don't know but they look pretty much alike. Your thoughts?

Law School Drop-Out - "Airplane Etiquette"

Sometime in the last decade, everyone has probably been on a plane. It's become pretty common for people to be on planes, to fly around to their incredibly awful family reunions, and to go see their favorite sports teams while completely and utterly inebriated. With this said, and knowing that a good portion of people are familiar with the idea of flying...why the hell do people still feign stupidity about airplane etiquette? I'm about to drop some knowledge on airplane etiquette; sit down, fasten your seatbelt, and stop playing with the fucking air blower above your head....

1. DO NOT FART ON A PLANE.
I know it's funny to hotbox your friends in a car. Let's be honest, the idea of seeing your friends gag and gasp all in one motion is priceless and can rarely be repeated by any other pranks. HOWEVER, on a plane, for you morons who think this is acceptable, the AIR IS RECIRCULATED. Which means the awfulness of that Taco Bell you had at 4am is going to remain on the plane for a long, long, long time. And that hot chick at the front of the plane (that you keep creepin' on from your back-row seat) is also going to get a front row ticket to the shit-infused body spray you just unleashed. Plane's suck, they're cramped and stuffy. Don't make it more unbearable than it already is.

2. DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DISEMBARKING THE AIRCRAFT
Ok, as the plane has just landed and bounced around like a 2-year old on a trampoline, everyone has the same thought: "Did anyone care that my phone was turned off?" The answer, in most cases: "No, just mom." But in the rare instance that someone called you to freak out about that badass replay on Sportscenter, don't call them back right that moment. One, you know this damn plane is about to pull up to the gate, where as soon as the "Fasten Seatbelt" light goes off, everyone's going to stand-up and try to pull their luggage from the top, including yourself. Second, when you do that, you're going to end up trying to pull your baggage from that cramped little space with one hand, and its going to swing down and hit some unsuspecting woman in the face, causing a problem much larger than the fact that you haven't seen Tiger's latest heroic feat. And finally, as everyone is attempting to flee the plane because you just dropped a Hiroshima-size gastric bomb, you're taking FOREVER to get out of your seat because you're still attached to your phone. Save the rest of us the trouble and just tell your friend/lover/partner that you'll call them back when you flee the scene of the crime.

PRE/POST PLANE ETIQUETTE
1. BOARDING TIME!
Guess what, the plane isn't leaving until everyone on the bridge is in the plane. So sprinting to the ticket counter and cramming your boarding pass down the attendant's throat doesn't win you a prize. Take your damn time and allow the sweet old lady with the walker to get to her seat. That plane isn't leaving any sooner because you won the "First to your seat" contest that you and the other 5 douchers were playing.

2. BAGGAGE PICK-UP
We all know what it is that I'm about to talk about. Ya know that ramp, where the bags come down and then go onto the carousel? Well guess what...it doesn't eat your luggage if you don't get there fast enough. In fact, it probably just sends your baggage around over, and over, and over again until you decide its time to actually grab it. So rushing to the front of the carousel, boxing out the 5-year old, and making sure to touch EVERYONE ELSE'S LUGGAGE to check to see if it's yours, isn't really necessary or called for. For the record, if you take your sweet time, walk like, oh, i don't know, 5 FEET to the side, you're only gonna lose maybe 10 seconds of your life that you had before. I know time is money, but 10 seconds can't even buy fries on the Value Menu.

Next time you're at the airport/on the airplane, try to remember these little tidbits as you read through the SkyMall magazine. Oh, and the $50 antlers that you can buy for your truck, they're awesome, buy them.

Tennessean- "White Trash People Are Terrible"

StuffWhiteTrashPeopleLike
Stuff White People Like
..Or Kind of Awesome. Either way I ran across this link while updating myself on "Stuff White People Like." Now many of you may not have heard about that webpage but it basically outlines different things that white people like and offer and explanation for each. It's pretty damn funny if you have the time to read it (which you do...) Either way the page I am talking about is; "Stuff White Trash People Like" (see link above).

One of my personal favorites:
#7- "Settlement Checks"-

'White people litigate. White trash people settle out of court.

At least once in each white trash person's life, his or her ship comes in. Be it a slip and fall at Wal-Mart or a food poisoning claim from Krystal, every white trash person in America will receive at least one large cash legal settlement. This payment is known in white trash circles as a "settlement check.'

There are not as many as "Stuff white people like"...but it is a working progress.

Props to folks over there for celebrating redneck culture.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why do I have..."

Well, well, well. Looks like we are in for a treat this time around with the search query..."Why do I have..." I have no choice but to question these people who actually type these searches into Google. I guess if I was worried about my green poop or 4 nipples then I would consult Google before my friends. Google can't make fun of me when I ask dumb/weird/just wrong questions...not yet at least! Here we go!

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why do I have...

Why do I have green poop?

Woah! Attention green poopers! Your poop is probably green because you, believe it or not, actually ate something green. I know this may come as a shock to you but if you eat green shit then chances are your shit will be green, too.

Some guy on one site did care to share to the world that he "usually gets green poop after eating Lucky Charms" which makes them even more 'Magically Delicious' in my book.

Why do I have so much gas?

First of all, farts are still considered funny...so don't worry too much about it just yet. I'm going to assume that your diet it piss-poor and this could be the cause of your excessive gas. I'd look into more exercise, more fiber, more poops...if the poops are green, you now know what's up as well.

Why do I have no friends?

Easy! You are a pathetic L-O-S-E-R!!! Sorry pal, I didn't mean it...I'll be your friend! My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where the hell you went wrong.

Examples:
-Do you play endless hours of World of Warcrap?
-Do you possess more than 5 cats?
-Do you like to eat your own boogers?
-Do you have a lot of gas and green poop?

Hopefully, you get the point. Basically, you need to start from scratch and try to be more social with society. Join a church, group, club, or whatever! Just get out there and do something! I really don't want to see you on the news about to jump off a building/bridge, buddy.

Why do I have so much discharge?

I'm pretty sure I just puked in my mouth over this Google search question. What really bothers me is that there were soooooo many chicks that Googled this that it turned up on the top Google searches. That means that there are TONS of chicks crawling the streets with excessive discharge. Pretty disturbing huh? My advice to you ladies out there...please for the love of God get some help!

Why do I have dark circles under my eyes?

I'm going to take a stab at this question here and say that your tired. Get some sleep! If that's not the problem than try getting some more iron in your diet. Lastly, if those dark circles are actually 'black eyes' then you should either learn how to fight better or run faster.

Why do I have 4 nipples?

Woah, I don't know, you're about to have puppies?! I've never heard of this and I already feel sorry for you. Look into getting those two extra tits taken off ASAP! I sure as hell don't want to see you on the same beach as me any time soon. Your lucky that Google doesn't make fun of you, too.


Why do I have diarrhea?

You sir, I can imagine right now sitting at your computer frantically typing into the Google Search about your diarrhea problem while keeping your cornhole puckered up tight. Haha, thanks for the laugh at your expense! You probably ate something that didn't agree with you like Mexican food...or drank waaaay too much.

Why do I have nightmares?

Maybe you should cut out watching Friday the 13th or Halloween before you go to bed. It's just a thought... Besides that, I'm not too sure.

However, if your nightmares consist of you sitting at home with no friends, 4 nipples, green diarrhea, bad gas and discharge...then I'm going to recommend that you don't read this blog any more.

5th Year Senior- "Insane Stunt Driving"

5th Year Senior- "The Art of Changing Church Marquees"

Changing marquee signs is a delicate process. It starts with a drive-by to write down what the sign originally reads. Brainstorming ensues. You can only use the letters available. The more immature, the better. Putting the new phrase together takes timing. One man must be on Cop watch at all times. When you're done, stand back and admire your masterpiece.

5th Year Senior- "Greatest Freak Out Ever"

Let's analyze this incredible video in chronological order:

-First, stop laughing, I know it's hard.
-Where does he muster up the vocal power to make those pterodactyl-like noises?
-While wrestling with his comforter, he pulls a David Blaine and makes his shirt disappear.
-He goes into the closet for approximately 1.5 seconds to blow off some steam.
-The Exorcist moves are stunning.
-There is a brief King Kong impression.
-At what point in an average person's freak out do they think, "I need to stick a remote up my ass"?
-After remote insertion, he begins to crash.
-Shoe to the head helps him accomplish this.
-A few more Exorcist movements capped off by a powerful left straight to the mattress.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Sprite Goes Bad"

Wow, words can't begin to describe this banned Sprite ad in Germany. You'll understand... A little wrong and a "load" of Sprite!

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why..."

Let's face it...Google knows EVERYTHING! Sometimes, it even knows what's on your mind even before you finish typing it out. With that being said, this is the first of many top Google searches that I'll cover. Not only will I question the intelligence of those who "Googled" these searches, but I'll even do the legwork and answer them. Here goes...

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why...


Why is the sky blue?

Ahhhh, the age old question when you were little. Surprisingly, this is probably the most legit question here.

If you were wondering...briefly...As light moves through the atmosphere, most colors pass through but blue is absorbed, radiated in different directions all around the sky. Whichever direction you look, some of this scattered blue light reaches you and since you see the blue light from everywhere overhead, the sky looks blue.

OOOOOOOK, moving right along...

Why do men have nipples?

Haha, who are these people who really want to know so much that they Google it? Personally, I think it would look awkward as hell if men DIDN'T have nipples. Turns out this is somewhat interesting...mostly because I didn't know/never really thought about it/didn't care to know. However, dudes have nips because EVERYBODY has the 'X' gene. (XX=Chick XY=Dude) Soooo, since everybody gets a 'X' gene there are going to be some same features like nipples.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

These jokes f-ing suck. To get to the other side...NEXT.

Why do cats purr?

Unfortunately, it seems that there are MANY creepy cat ladies in the world that are curious. Some trashy website says that it's "original function of purring was to let a kitten to communicate with his mother that things are well"...wow. What exactly do they mean by 'original function' anyway? Either way, I still hate cats.

Why do men cheat?

Wow...lots of women seem to be crying their eyes out over the keyboard for this question! I'm not touching this one.

Why did Chris Brown (with/beat up/feat) Rihanna

Two out of the three don't make any f-ing sense as a question. However, apparently TONS of people want to know why the hell Chris Brown (insert improper grammar here) Rihanna. Nobody knows yet...just like I don't get why anybody cares.

Why do dogs eat poop?

Probably because you don't feed them enough you idiot! It's either that or that you fed them something really really good and they wanted another go-around with it!?

Why did I get married?

I was really worried about this one...turns out it's the title of a shitty Tyler Perry movie. Or at least that's what most of the results in the search are...

5th Year Senior- "Top 10 iPhone Apps"

I've been an iPhone addict going on 2 years. I've downloaded a ton of apps and kept the ones that I really liked. Here is my list of the Top 10.

Shazam

Imagine you're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio that you have to have. If you're lucky they will let you know the name of the song when it's over, but this isn't always the case. Whip out your phone, start Shazam, and within a few seconds your iPhone will tell you the artist, song name, and album. It even gives you the option of downloading it on iTunes right away.

Flight Control

Ever wanted to be an air traffic controller? Me neither, but this game will get you as close to the real thing as possible. Direct planes and helicopters onto the correct runways but make sure they don't crash!

Peggle

Peggle is an arcade game that is also very popular on XBox Live. Warning: this game is unbelievably addicting! Prepare to give up hours of your day. It is like an extreme form of The Price is Right game "Plinko".

Amateur Surgeon

This is a game by Comedy Central. The premise: You are a pizza delivery guy that has dreams of becoming a surgeon. You take it upon yourself to perform surgeries using you pizza making tools. Sounds really lame, but is actually quite fun.

Bank of America Mobile

If you are a Bank of America customer, this app is a must! It allows you to view your balance and complete transactions directly from your iPhone.

Color Splash

I'm not much of an artist, but this app makes me feel like one. Take pictures or use existing ones and turn them into pieces of art. Color Splash turns your photo black and white and allows you to choose which colors will show through. Very cool.

1 vs. 100

This is a mobile adaptation of the hit game show. There are 3 difficulty setting that will satisfy trivia amateurs and veterans alike. It includes a ton of questions so repeats are not really a problem. The only down side, no Bob Saget.

Tap Tap Revenge 2

If you love guitar hero, you will love Tap Tap Revenge 2. It allows you to do everything Guitar Hero will do using just your fingers. Play along with new and old hits and even compete online with other users.

Air Mouse

If you think you cannot possible get any lazier, Air Mouse will prove you wrong. This app lets you control your computer mouse and keyboard from your iPhone. So sit back on the couch, turn on the TV, set your laptop in front of you, and you're set for hours.

Yellow Pages Mobile

This app is a must have for all iPhone users. It allows you to search for businesses by genre or input an address directly. It will give you directions from your current location to your desired destination.

5th Year Senior- "Banned VW Commercial"

Here is a banned VW commercial. It's not politically correct, but very effective:

The Writers- "Shout to J-F"

As I was spending some time on Facebook today I ran across this video. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss The 90's Series - Slap Bracelets & Are You Afraid of The Dark?"

Wow, slap bracelets...There's NO WAY that you will ever totally forget about slap bracelets. Girls wore about eight of these a time while guys had them just to play with them/slap each other. For some unknown reason there was just so much sweet satisfaction in slapping those damn things on your wrist. It should also be noted that these things NEVER came in just one plain color. It was always some atrocious animal print, mixed neon colors, or some metallic crap.

This 90's fad ended quick when some kids were getting cut from the cheap metal bracelet and schools quickly banned them...oh well, big loss there.

Now, please tell me you remember this treat of a show...


This was by far my favorite show from the 90's. And yes, it is OK to miss the 'Midnight Society' because they were something special... They had awesome stories that somehow managed to spook me at that age. They had that sweet "dust" that they always threw in the fire to make it flame up before annoucing the name of the tale. And lastly, yes, they had Elisha Cuthbert! You know, this Elisha Cuthbert...

Management Trainee- "Friday Video"

I am most certainly working for the weekend right now. It's Friday and I have been on non-work related websites since I got in around 8. In about twenty minutes the guy who serves sandwiches out of his truck will show up on the corner. It's been a decent hungover Friday. I didn't have time to stop in to McD's this morning so the sandwich guy is my only hope. I'm going to try to get a picture so all of you can see. Basically this guy drives up in a truck with a heater/cooler attached to the back. He opens up his windows and people think he is f'ing Santa.

Here is a good video to remind you how awesome tonight's mayhem will be.

5th Year Senior- "Unknown Life Form"

Browsing YouTube, I ran across this video of and unknown life form found in a North Carolina sewer. It's kind of scary, kind of gross, but impossible to take your eyes off of:

Whiskey Dick - "Recent Interviewing Experience"

In order to further educate myself on the interviewing process, I accepted an interview with a marketing firm. I unintentionally degraded myself by accepting this interview because when I arrived at the firm I realized that the company was below the realm of eating shit off the bottom of Michael Moore’s strap on sandals.

As I walked into the two room office, I realized I was in the presence of a lack luster company just by examining the candidates anxiously awaiting their turn to interview. There were about 5 unfortunate looking individuals who were under dressed to even receive a position as a local trash man. Here's how it went down...

One hombre, not from this neck-of-the-woods, looked as if he just got off the construction site and threw on some of the best attire that he received through the “pass me downs” from his extended family. The problem wasn’t as much his choice of clothes, but specifically how he chose to wear them. It just seemed a little ridiculous to me that he would wear his black Jiffy Lube pants (which hung off his ass) with a button-up, untucked shirt hanging down to his knees. Even worse, the tie that he was wearing was not tied in a traditional sort, but rapped around his neck in a knot that resembles what drug dealers use to tie their nickel bags of pot when they sling it in the hood. After talking myself out of beating his ass, I began to redirected my attention to studying my notes and questions for the interview.

When they called my name I stepped into the office and began the interview process. Knowing I was going to decline the job if offered, I quickly asked the interviewer if they usually hired people that resembled what was sitting in the lobby with me. After a quick chuckle he muttered, “Usually only for janitorial positions.” We both laughed and he began his list of questions.

After nailing all his questions perfectly, I made a point to ask about compensation and benefits, but more specifically how much are they going to pay and about the payment plan. He described to me that the position that I was applying for was based solely on commission. I quickly interrupted him and declared that I was looking for a position with a base payment plan in order to budget my funds accordingly for the month. This comment frustrated him as he quickly combated, “Well buddy, in my experience the people who are not willing to work on a commission based salary are usually lazy people who are looking to cut corners in life and are afraid to work hard… ugh… I guess your just one of those people.”

If you know me, you know that I do not accept nor appreciate people who disrespect me. I looked him in the eye with a confident smirk on my face and replied, “Sir, I’m sure you have had a lot of experience interviewing people, such as the D-Squad sitting in the waiting room. With that being said, I am aware that I am your #1 candidate for this position and you know as well as I that I would work harder and contribute more to this company that anyone you have sitting out there. It is unfortunate that you do not trust the people you hire enough to pay them on a base salary. Honestly sir, It shows me how shitty the financial situation is within your company. On a last note, I want you to know that I am using this interview for practice purposes only and was in no way going to except this job from the beginning. Thanks for giving me some experience so that I may land a real job that interest me. Thank you for your time and your disrespectful comments, have a great rest of the day interviewing your future employees.”

He replied with a dumbfounded look, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He then pointed towards the door, I stood up and walked out with a smile on my face and a interview under my belt.

5th Year Senior- "The Turtle Man"

Being this blog is stationed in Tennessee, I figured it would be appropriate to post this classic redneck YouTube video that does not get enough attention:

Recent College Grad- "Dear...From Jason"

------Dear Recent College Grad,

My name is Jason and I stumled across your blog when looking at groups on facebook. I saw that people have been writing you questions about what to expect in college. Im really excited man I think this is going to some of the best years ever! However I have alot of doubts about living in a dorm room with some dude I don't even know. How the hell is that supposed to work? Recently I got his telephone number and when I called his mom told me he wouldn't be back for another two weeks because he was teaching at a "theater camp". This makes me think that he is either a fag or a complete wierdo. I don't know man I'm just worried about this random guy screwing stuff up for me during my freshmen year. What do you think?

Jason---------------------

Dear Jason,

Jason, I am terribly sorry that your future roommate not only attends a "theater camp" but decided to actually be an ambassador for the field. Overall my experience with the dorm room was badass as hell. Now I did know my roommate but I have heard alot of dorm room success stories. I wouldn't worry about this potential loser hendering your freshmen experience. (If you're a winner, you will win) If he is into all of that theater/acting bullshit then he will probably be spending a substantial amount of time with other people who share his interest in acting/giving handjobs. On the good side this random roommate might bring some decent skirt back from one of their "try-outs" or whatever they do. Not all drama chicks are ugly, but most are pretty wierd. In the event that he brings some girls by the dorm room be ready to have your phantom of the opera dvd out on your desk and then act really bashful when they bring it up. You need to give off that "I'm alot cooler than this guy but I appreciate art" kind of vibe. Good luck with that. Overall Jason you should have a kickass time living in the dorms. Some of my highest and lowest points from college took place in a dorm hall. (hook up with girl vs. urinating in elevator) My advice on this issue: See what happens move-in day with the roommate and in the meantime prepare yourself physically/mentally for a grueling first week of college. Just remember to double-lock the doors when you are checking out the latest girls gone wild video.

I Love My Girlfriend - "A Fallen Hero"

I know we try to keep the sad stuff to a minimum here...but this is just too great. If you ever wanted to know if patriotism is still alive and well in America today, well it's a resounding HELL YES!

IMPORTANT!!!
This video requires a brief story before viewing...

Staff Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was killed in action while protecting our freedom overseas. His body was flown to Peachtree City, GA, last month. From there, there was a long funeral procession to the funeral home in fallen soldier's hometown of McDonough, GA. A simple notice in the local newspapers the day before indicated the route of the procession and the approximate time. The following was filmed by one of the State Trooper escorts....

Law School Drop-Out - "Prank Proposal"

So after coasting through the internet during another extremely productive at work, I came across this gem of a video. I recommend never doing this to a friend you'd like to keep for any significant period of time...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

5th Year Senior- "Top 5 Links of the Week"

Here are my Top 5 Links of the Week:

-Stumble Upon

If you love surfing the internet as much as I do, Stumble Upon is a must. Enter your interests and Stumble Upon will find random websites that you will love.

-Pandora

Don't have your iPod, Pandora has you covered. This site plays random music that you like according to the genres you play the most.

-I Park Like An Idiot

Is there a car taking up two spots, parked 4 feet from the curb, or too far out of the spot? Does this piss you off? If yes, then you will love this website. You can buy a bumper sticker with "I Park Like An Idiot.com" on it, put it on one of these cars, and the owner can go to the website and see their awesome parking job.

-Erowid's Vault

This site gives you all the information you could possibly need on drugs, from lethal doses to side effects and everything in between.

-Spoiled Photos

How many pictures have you seen that have been ruined by some drunk guy in the background drooling on himself? This site has the best of the best.

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss the 90's Series - Salute Your Shorts & Stretch Armstong"

Who doesn't miss Salute Your Shorts?! The only three names I remember from the damn show though were Ugg, Budnick, and of course...DonkeyLips. I still can't believe this show only made it two seasons...but wow, f-ing awesome show. I could still sing along to the opening theme song...not aloud, because that'd be gay.



Fucking right Stretch Armstrong!!! I had one and you probably did, too. Definitely one of those toys that was cooler to just have, rather than actually playing with it. If you were like me then you probably snapped an arm or leg off of the bastard. Who can blame you that you just wanted to see what his limits realllllly were??? Not all was lost, at least got to see what the hell was inside ole' Stretch! Check out the commercial from back in the day...

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss The 90's Series - The Wonder Years"

I miss the shit out of 90's TV. Gone are the days of simple TV with simple plots and a simple traditional American family. Now, we have about 30 different shows based on crime, murders, gangs, and everything else bad in society. I was YouTubing it up last night and came across this gem of a video...and yes, I had to fight back tears.



Where Are They Now?!

Kevin Arnold AKA Fred Savage
-Graduated from Stanford University
-Member of SAE fraternity
-Last notable role in Austin Powers-Goldmember(As #3...with the mole)
-Married with two kids
-Directs shows such as It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
-Ranked #27 in VH1's list of the "100 Greatest Kid Stars"
-One of few kid stars that's not completely fucked up in the head.


Paul Pheiffer AKA Josh Saviano
-Never acted again
-Married with a daughter
-Graduated from Yale and works as an attorney in New York
-Rumor that he grew up to be Marilyn Manson (awesome but FALSE)
-His character inspired the creation of Milhouse, in the Simpsons

Winnie Cooper AKA Danica McKellar
-Currently hot as shit! DAMN!!!
-Graduated from UCLA in Math
-Member of ADPi sororiety
-Proved a new math theorem, the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem
-Has published two math books
-Various acting roles such as The West Wing
-And lastly, has this AMAZING video that I found...ENJOY!

5th Year Senior- "UFC 100 Wrap Up"

Like most males in the world, I had been looking forward to UFC 100 for months. They put together the best fight card imaginable for their 100th show. With this said, it was destined to disappoint. And that it did. With only one "good" fight the whole night, people were getting bored. I decided to sum it up for those who did not watch with the only two scenes worth watching.

The first was a fight between Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping. This was advertised as the U.S. vs. the U.K., also these fighters coached opposing teams on this season of "The Ultimate Figher". What started out as an average fight ended with one of the best knockouts I have ever seen. After the fight, Henderson was asked why he punched Bisping again after the first knockout punch. He replied with, "To shut him up":

Henderson vs. Bisping Fight

The main event of the evening was to decide the Heavyweight champion between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar. I went into this fight rooting for Mir because of all the hype surrounding Lesnar. After the fight, I was glad I made this decision. Not only is Lesnar a roided out freak, he is a complete tool. This was the victory speech that he gave after the fight:

Lesnar Victory Speech

A classy speech coming from a classy guy. He has a family with kids who were undoubtedly watching this fight, not to mention the sportmanship he showed to Mir. Lesnar was later forced to appologize for what he said by Dana White:

Mir ended up loosing the fight because Brock used his behemoth body to lay on top of Mir in a very cheap/boring fashion. To make myself and other Mir fans feel better, here is the video of him breaking Tim Sylvia's arm:

Tennessean- "Kickass Kentucky"

***Please click the picture for viewing purposes****

Just wanted to share this picture I took while driving through kentucky. As you can see Kentucky is one of the states where you are not required to wear a helmet. This cat is living the f'ing dream. It's not my dream but it sure seems to be his. You have to wonder what is going through his head. "Just me, my woman, and the open road."

I love you kentucky.

I Love My Girlfriend - "This Is Why I Fly Southwest..."

Wish the was the standard protocol for every Southwest flight...

Management Trainee-"Would you rather..."

Would you rather: Get kicked in the face repeatedly or...Drive this as your company car ?

Here is a true story for you. This is what the company car looks like if you are a proud geico CLAIMS representative. This is simply stunning. I was walking downtown today and saw this car parked in the front of the place myself and a co-worker were eating. It just so happened a very happy claims representative was getting in their car when we were in the parking lot. When we asked the lady about her car she responded, "It's just one of the perks..." Ha...It most certainly is. It is a huge perk for all of us who do not drive that car. It would be a different story if the car was used for promotions sake, but I'm afraid this baby gets to park in a driveway.

The one thing I have to note: Good for the rep for not having to pay car insurance or a monthly car note. Also: You have a giant gecko on your green car.

I almost asked the lady if I could borrow it so me and my friends could cruise broadway completely wasted. Unfortunatley you have to be in the geico circle of trust.

I Love My Girlfriend - "My First College Roomie"

Well, on a lighter note, I'd thought I'd talk about my first college roomie...

As you can tell, my dear friend Sam is a winner. We were randomly selected to be roommates my freshman year. Sam and I got along very well though actually. We were both easy-going individuals that enjoyed staying up late and sleeping-in even later. I didn't see Sam a whole lot my first semester mostly because I was pledging a fraternity and he was sleeping/not going to class. We NEVER hung out besides in the dorm room. Fast forward to the end of semester uno, Sam informs me that he managed to earn a 0.00 GPA for the semester and that his mom was making him move back home. As "shocked" as I was I replied with, "No way man! I'm sure gonna miss you, dude!" It was then when he told me that he wanted to show me something...so he rolled out this huge piece of luggage with wheels and proceeded to open it. Personally, I've never seen so many different types of drugs in such quantities before in my life! He looked at me for a reaction and all I could muster up was a "what?!". He informed me that he was the biggest drug dealer on campus and asked if I wanted anything of his before he left....I took the osculating tower fan.

I Love My Girlfriend - "No + Hair = Nair"

No, I've never used Nair on my body for any reason whatsoever...this isn't about me.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the product, Nair is a cream that removes hair from whatever region you decide to put it on...

Well my friends, I'm here to tell you a story about my poor aunt Sue.

My dear aunt Sue is a very sweet and loving lady that happens to be a little more than overweight. She is large enough for my mom to refer to her as "Sue-Mo", like a Sumo Wrestler. Well it just so happens that not too long ago that my dear aunt Sue-Mo was using the Nair product. She had already applied the cream to her legs when the phone rang...despite a strict disclaimer, she forgot all about the Nair on her legs and proceeded with the phone conversation. When she finally realized she left the Nair on her legs it was too late...she couldn't feel them. Her legs are functional, but just no feeling. After a few days passed she still couldn't feel her legs. She described the feeling as if when your leg "falls asleep" but never "wake up". Well presently, she has managed to break her ankle and mess up her knees because she couldn't walk correctly due to the loss of feeling in her legs. The doctors don't know what to do and she could be like this for the rest of her life...

Wow, sorry for the depressing story...

Moral of the story: Don't get huge and just use a razor.

Law School Drop-Out

Thanks for the opportunity to spread my knowledge. I'm a Southerner trapped in an arctic, northern hell, and will be sharing with the faithful readers my views on northern culture.

Below is my first post. Enjoy, but beware of the Shmedium.

Introducing: The "Shmedium"

In bars across America, a terrifying trend has become developing. It breeds on the screens of UFC fights, and migrates to every town in America. It has become such a staple that Affliction and Ed Hardy have made millions off of its migration. It's filled with too much testosterone. And it has become a disease on the world that needs to be addressed.


It's the Shmedium (sh-medium, n., Jersey descent).

The thing above is a prime example. His Armani Exchange shirt has purposely been left in the running dryer for what seems like 2 months. It is so small that it fails to cover up his weird ass bird tattoo on his 'roided arm. He has some sort of dog tag around his neck to symbolize the death of his respectability, and the girl he has in a choke hold is hoping death comes quickly. She's throwing the peace sign not as a symbol of her agreement with nuclear disarmament, but as in "I'm peacing out, this asshole just crushed my windpipe".

The Shmedium, to put it frankly, is a shirt that's just too fucking small. It's normally a graphic t-shirt with an obnoxious amount of words on it, and some sort of gothic, graveyard-like design on the front. It's worn by fat guys who think that going to the gym once every 2 months makes them big/strong/worthy of putting on a smaller shirt, and by guys who directly-inject protein into their veins (see above). They are easily spotted, as they travel in packs. In addition, there is a hierarchy to the Shmediums. The Alpha Shmedium tends to grunt a lot, and normally is so big he can't wipe his own ass (enter the Comfort Wipe). The Shmedium Minions follow aimlessly and laugh at Alpha Shmedium's jokes, hopelessly wishing they can one day by like Alpha Shmedium.

Don't confuse Shmediums with Guidos though. A Shmedium is a trend, a Guido is a disease that plagues the world.

Be on the lookout for this terrifying trend. Friends don't let friends be/wear/associate with shmediums.

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5th Year Senior- "Top 5 Links of the Week"

I've decided that my wasted hours upon hours of surfing the internet could be put to use. From this week on, I will update my Top 5 web finds of the week. This will occur every Wednesday so check back often to have your mind blown. Here are this week's in no particular order:

-My Heritage

If you've ever wondered which celebrities you resemble, this site will tell you. All you have to do is upload a picture of your face, and the site does the rest. Warning: go in with open mind seeing as a my white, male friends resembled such celebrities as Mr. Bean, Jamie Foxx, and Ashley Olsen.

- Top 10 Bands vs. Fans Moments

This is a Top 10 list of famous bands facing off against their fans/bouncers. Some of these are pretty intense. My personal favorite is Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age going off on a fan for throwing "shit" at him on stage: "I may have a fucking 102 temperature and been puking for three days, but I'll still butt fuck you in front of your friends".

-Wimp.com

You can search YouTube or CollegeHumor for hours to find some awesome videos, or you could go to Wimp.com where they only pick the best of the best.

-The Ultimate Guide to Calling Shotgun

Every guy has that one friend who takes calling shotgun to a new level. This site will settle all the arguments so you can show this retard what's up.

-99 Thing You Should Have Already Experienced on the Internet

This is a list, in no particular order, that if you have heard of YouTube, you really should have seen most of these videos. But just in case you were under a rock for a week, you can catch up on all your pop culture viral videos.

Come back to get next week's list!

Management Trainee-"A perfect video for those getting dumped on"

Hey everybody,

I know it has a couple of weeks since I have written to you about life in the corporate world but trust me you're not missing anything. I did enjoy the recent paid holiday making it a three-day weekend but I am still feeling my hangover from the 4th.

Moving forward let me tell you about the video I have attached. My boss gave me an assignment on Monday morning that basically needed all management trainees to prepare a presentation outlining the "ways to build your career through leadership..." bla bla.... It does mean however that I will get a long day of training...and you know how much I enjoy that. I thought I would take the easy way out for the assignment and just google a few things and BING job well done.

During my search I ran across a training video labeled, "How to deal with a mean boss." I was pretty impressed. There was one step that advised the lower-level employee to make notice of unnecessary internet use. This one really hit home for me considering I spend at least 2-3 hours of my work day on "non-work related material". You can guess what that might be.

*It truly is incredible how "real-life" this video is.

Enjoy.

Recent College Grad- "Dear...From Michelle"

--------Dear Recent College Grad,

I’m not sure if you are a good person to ask about this situation or not. I’m hoping you can guide me in the right direction. I am in pieces right now because my best girl told me she saw my boyfriend making out with some freshmen b**** at a party this past weekend! I couldn’t go to visit everybody because I was stuck working. So instead my boyfriend ends up throwing away a two year relationship for some gross freshmen girl! I asked my friend what she looked like but my friend said she couldn’t tell. Then it gets worse because I find out the girls name and look her up on facebook and she is some little whore who I recognize from church. I just don’t know what to do. I know I don’t deserve this. Should I stay with my boyfriend or say something to that b**** who f***** stuff up?

-Michelle----------------------------

Dear Michelle,

First and foremost; do not put “whore” and “church” in the same sentence. I consider myself to be a fairly vulgar writer but have serious anger issues. To be honest I do not think I am a good person to consult on the “why freshmen” situation. However I feel obliged to point you in a direction where I feel all parties involved win. For starters do not attack the freshmen girl. She is the real victim in this scenario. Think about it Michelle, “Why the freshmen?” Was it because she was so perfect? (Possibly…) Or was it because you have gotten to comfortable with your physical appearance? (quite possibly). I am not hinting to the fact that you are an unattractive girl, but you have apparently lost the edge that made your boyfriend pop wood. There is something to be said for hooking up with a true freshman but in most long-term relationships it is a rarity. Away from your appearance, how is your attitude? Most freshmen girls have that “ha ha…you’re cute” mentality. Where as lately your conversation at the bar has consisted of “we are not f**** tonight.” You need to have the “YES” mentality on anything from sex to making random deserts. (like cookies and other things he /his friends will enjoy). My advice would be arrange a time for your boyfriend to come over, and try that maneuver from varsity blues where she puts whipped cream over her privates. I know I could only dream of that kind of activity right now.

Recent College Grad- "Dear Recent College Grad---First Letter---Jeffrey

---"Dear Recent College Grad,

I just graduated high school and I am so f**** pumped to go to college. I was just wondering if college is really going to be like everyone says it is. You know bitches, halo, getting f***** up, joining a frat. I hope this is exactly what college is like. I am the first one in my family to go to college so I don’t have an older brother to give me advice and shit. I did hear from some other kids at school that going to college is a lot like what happens in the movies. Is this true? What should I do to make sure I get enough action and get into a good frat?

Thanks dude, Jeffrey"----

Dear Jeffrey,

You need to get a hold of yourself. You fit the perfect profile for someone who is going to wet their pants (literally) while attending your first college keg event. I would be lying to you if I told you that part of college did not include women, drinking, and more. However it sounds to me like you are going about this the wrong way. There will also be a substantial amount of xbox played during normal daytime hours. In no way am I telling you not to go all out your first week of college (which you should). On the other hand you need to be careful and not create the image that you’re a loser (which I have feelings that you might be). The only difference in real college and “movie college” is that its the f***** MOVIES! Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn could do whatever they wanted in Old School because they didn’t risk getting kicked out of school. On the point of fraternities: They are very fun. Yet it is not an excuse for you to blackout and chase a sorority girl around the pledge mixer with jungle juice all over your face. I unfortunately have experience with this first-hand. My advice is for you to calm down, read a nudie magazine, and ease up dreams of becoming Van Wilder.