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Recent College Grad- "Worst part of the year"

Whenever people talk about certain times of the year it is usually always positive. For example, "I love Christmas time" or "Summer kicks ass". Since being graduated summer took a turn for the worse. While everybody is out at the pool getting drunk I am sitting at work thinking of ways to become rich without working. I thought summertime was depressing but I'm hear to tell you that "College is back in school time" really f**** sucks. Next year I will know not to get on facebook during this time of the year. For the past two weeks I have had to see status updates that basically read, "Mike is: partying my fucking balls off!" or "Christie is: getting wasted tonight and making bad decisions!" While lucky freshmen are learning the tricks of escaping the dorm halls I am crying myself to sleep.

*Top five things I miss the most about college*

1.) Dorm rooms; living within 2 seconds of 3,000 other people your own age. Enough said

2.) Themed parties; giving girls any excuse to dress skankalicious. ex) "golf pros and tennis hoes"

3.) Cafeteria food; as much as you want, anytime.

4.) Naps; they don't exist in the working world.

5.) Morning after lunch after a huge party where crazy shit happened; a priceless activity where friendships are built.

Recent College Grad- "Watch out Wii"

Due to current employment conditions I am forced to spend a good portion of my day with my xbox. However I am very excited about the recent announcement from Microsoft.



**Here is the link for the announcement from Microsoft**

http://news.cnet.com/8301-10797_3-10253892-235.html?tag=mncol;txt

Tennessean- "Late Arrival for Tennessee"

Just when I thought rap music couldn't get any worse.....

I can't wait to see the next rap song they make off of an emo tune. Now some of the worst people can join hands under one song.

Management Trainee-"Water Cooler Convo's"

You're thirsty. However you are not thirsty for water, you're thirsty to talk shit with a fellow co-worker. I have noticed a trend since working in a corporate setting; the water cooler hears more trash talk than anyone else in the office. You're probably thinking, "No that's not true, I just go over there and drink 1 or 100 cups of water 3-4 times a day." Think about your topic of conversation with fellow co-workers. It probably starts off, "Yeah so you're kid is in school...okay...yeah...my weekend was fun...." Eventually it turns into, "So did you hear Frank is cheating on his wife?...I know what a scumbag!....Hey, you didn't hear it from me!....Oh I would def f*** Frank's wife."

A prime example was THIS MORNING at MY office. A referral came by and dropped off doughnuts for everybody (which was huge...) and the doughnuts were centered around the water cooler. As soon as one of my co-workers walked away we started talking about her. It was not anything to intense. The conversation centered around how we would do ridiculous things to her if she wasn't engaged to some douche twice her age.

The water cooler is also A GREAT WAY to spit game at a co-worker you're interested in. You could start by getting her a cup of water and using some cheesy pick-up like, "Can I plug my Firewire into your USB?" or maybe, "Do you come here often?" You will either look like a complete loser (prob. if you use the USB reference) or you will come off with some charm.

I challenge you to start paying attention to your water cooler conversation material. A quick hint of advice: Don't walk away from the water cooler with others still talking....they will probably switch conversation to you.

Great ways to become a water cooler badass:

-Talk about other people

-Invite people to the water cooler with you (that way when you come into the break room you have a posse). Make sure you are better than the people you invite along.

-Bring your own cup for water (some cup that has your favorite sports team on it or some phrase like, "Don't hassle me I'm local")

-Drop a business card at a girl's desk that says, "Me, you, water cooler 2:30pm- Be there."

It's all about taking care of business

I Love My Girlfriend - "EBay Item Of The Week - Pet or Child Casket"

You're going to have to click on the picture to FULLY appreciate this Ebay item of the week...

Get a good look? Alright, great. Now please tell this doesn't creep you out a little! Ebay actually devotes a whole section to funeral stuff...wow! It's pretty sick the world we live in now that we can try to outbid other people who just lost a loved one for a sweet deal on a shiny, new casket!

Alright, get grab another close look at the picture and we'll go over some of the details below...

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

-79 freaking views?! Really? Who the hell are you people?!

-Does the plastic doll in the casket with flowers NOT bother anybody else?

-If anybody can translate...please help! It gives me a head ache trying to piece together this mess... I personally like how they spelled 'dirty'.

"UP a Pet or Child Coffin is a Doll in the Coffin . and was only used for show . Fiber glass it green white in side I dont know what it is it is not durty at all and no scaches on the casket it is about 3 foot long 2 1/2wide "

-If you are expecting a pet OR child death soon, you better hurry because bidding ends in 4 days and you sure as hell don't want to miss out on this deal!

-Shipping takes 4-11 days??? Does anybody else see something wrong with that?

I Love My Girlfriend - Top Google Searches - Why do white/black people..."

Wow, this is good stuff. I can actually imagine millions of white and black people doing a Google Search about the others. I know that I usually answer the actual Google Searches...but I'm going to steer clear of that this time around for obvious reasons. However, I will name my favorite for both searches.

-Why do white people...smell like wet dogs when they come out of the rain?

-Why do black people...have nappy hair?

Feel free to use the comments section to answer some of these questions...play nice!

Whiskey Dick- "Tennessee Ernie Ford- This Kid"

I ususally don't post videos like this one, but this is priceless. It might of been the whiskey in my drink or just the fact that the kid sitting to the right of Ernie Ford rocks out hard to this song, either way this video killed me. Obviously the kid is hilarious but the look on Ernie Fords face is great. Tennesssee Ernie Ford, being from Tennessee, made this video acceptable to post and paints a perfect picture of the good ole days and the great ole oldies.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Where A Kid Can Be A...GREMLIN"

Unreal...that's the first word that comes to my mind after my visit to Chuck E. Cheese's yesterday. I went with my mom and two little cousins ages 8 and 6 for their birthday. It had been F-O-R-E-V-E-R since I had last been there and wow, have things changed! What once was so awesome as a kid is now a living nightmare.

I'll admit, I was pretty pumped when we pulled into the parking lot. I had my cousins shaking in excitement for the ensuing entertainment. We got inside after the 16 year old and zit-faced "bouncer" stamped our hands and lifted the red velvet rope. In no less than 5 seconds my cousins were lost amongst the rest of the running and screaming gremlins. No worries though, we knew they'd come back and find us...they had no tokens. My mom went to the counter to purchase one of their 'combo packs' that included a pizza, drinks, and tokens. I casually asked the miserable looking "bouncer" if it was happy hour yet. I guess he didn't get the joke as he replied, "Every hour is a happy hour here at Chuck E. Cheese's!"

My mom and I set up base at one of the tables in the most quiet part of the building...which didn't really exist. A quick look around of the place gave me a pretty good laugh. Parents sitting at other tables looked on the verge of suicide. As soon as I got the tokens, my cousins reappeared. They were already sweating and had about 50 tickets in their hands somehow. Either way, I fearlessly lead them into the mayhem.

Just try to imagine this. At least 100 kids with no parents buzzing around your knees as you attempt to walk. These kids are sweating profusely and running around with pizza and sodas in their hands while screaming like a banshee. I'm talking about crazed kids leaving their sweat and grease stains on everything they touch like a slug. It's hard to think because of the high-pitched squealing. These little terrors are crashing into my legs, falling over slightly stunned from the impact, and then back on their feet like nothing happened. It was quite a scene.

There was one point at Chuck E Cheese's where I realized what the place really was...a casino for kids. There were games that resembled actual casino games that you played to win tickets. I could already tell which of my cousins was going to be the gambling addict. I'd give him two tokens at a time and he would be back in 30 seconds for more and only 2 tickets to show for it. I made him take a lap in the "sky tubes" to slow down his token intake.

The highlight of the experience was one dad would had the right idea on how to enjoy himself at Chuck E. Cheese's. Luckily, the joint sells beer to miserable parents. This one dad who looked extremely miserable when I had just walked in was having the time of his life when we were getting ready to leave. He fit right in with the kids after a while of boozing pretty hardcore. From showing his kids how to cheat in skee ball to playing in the ball pit, the man was in his element. Needless to say, his wife was pretty upset with him when they were asked to leave. But wow, what a pioneer and idol for all to witness.

All in all, not too bad of a day at ole Chuck E. Cheese's. That damn rat/koala/mouse/whatever the hell it is sure does know how to entertain the little gremlins.

5th Year Senior- "Chris Brown Apologizes"

Give me a break! Chris Brown has been through a lot for beating up Rihanna, and rightfully so. You've tried to live your life to make people around you proud? So this is something that you have to keep in control? No sympathy whatsoever. Go back to making shitty music and keep your mouth shut. You got off easy. You should have served jail time, like everyone who engages in domestic violence. Hopefully this all will end up hurting his career as there is no excuse for what occurred.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Landon Donovan Look-Alike"

US Soccer dropped a pretty dissappointing loss to Brazil last month in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. I've never really played soccer before but I can't help but watch and cheer on the US soccer team. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now but I couldn't help but notice that Landon Donovan looks just like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Maybe it's the receeding hairline...I don't know but they look pretty much alike. Your thoughts?

Law School Drop-Out - "Airplane Etiquette"

Sometime in the last decade, everyone has probably been on a plane. It's become pretty common for people to be on planes, to fly around to their incredibly awful family reunions, and to go see their favorite sports teams while completely and utterly inebriated. With this said, and knowing that a good portion of people are familiar with the idea of flying...why the hell do people still feign stupidity about airplane etiquette? I'm about to drop some knowledge on airplane etiquette; sit down, fasten your seatbelt, and stop playing with the fucking air blower above your head....

1. DO NOT FART ON A PLANE.
I know it's funny to hotbox your friends in a car. Let's be honest, the idea of seeing your friends gag and gasp all in one motion is priceless and can rarely be repeated by any other pranks. HOWEVER, on a plane, for you morons who think this is acceptable, the AIR IS RECIRCULATED. Which means the awfulness of that Taco Bell you had at 4am is going to remain on the plane for a long, long, long time. And that hot chick at the front of the plane (that you keep creepin' on from your back-row seat) is also going to get a front row ticket to the shit-infused body spray you just unleashed. Plane's suck, they're cramped and stuffy. Don't make it more unbearable than it already is.

2. DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DISEMBARKING THE AIRCRAFT
Ok, as the plane has just landed and bounced around like a 2-year old on a trampoline, everyone has the same thought: "Did anyone care that my phone was turned off?" The answer, in most cases: "No, just mom." But in the rare instance that someone called you to freak out about that badass replay on Sportscenter, don't call them back right that moment. One, you know this damn plane is about to pull up to the gate, where as soon as the "Fasten Seatbelt" light goes off, everyone's going to stand-up and try to pull their luggage from the top, including yourself. Second, when you do that, you're going to end up trying to pull your baggage from that cramped little space with one hand, and its going to swing down and hit some unsuspecting woman in the face, causing a problem much larger than the fact that you haven't seen Tiger's latest heroic feat. And finally, as everyone is attempting to flee the plane because you just dropped a Hiroshima-size gastric bomb, you're taking FOREVER to get out of your seat because you're still attached to your phone. Save the rest of us the trouble and just tell your friend/lover/partner that you'll call them back when you flee the scene of the crime.

PRE/POST PLANE ETIQUETTE
1. BOARDING TIME!
Guess what, the plane isn't leaving until everyone on the bridge is in the plane. So sprinting to the ticket counter and cramming your boarding pass down the attendant's throat doesn't win you a prize. Take your damn time and allow the sweet old lady with the walker to get to her seat. That plane isn't leaving any sooner because you won the "First to your seat" contest that you and the other 5 douchers were playing.

2. BAGGAGE PICK-UP
We all know what it is that I'm about to talk about. Ya know that ramp, where the bags come down and then go onto the carousel? Well guess what...it doesn't eat your luggage if you don't get there fast enough. In fact, it probably just sends your baggage around over, and over, and over again until you decide its time to actually grab it. So rushing to the front of the carousel, boxing out the 5-year old, and making sure to touch EVERYONE ELSE'S LUGGAGE to check to see if it's yours, isn't really necessary or called for. For the record, if you take your sweet time, walk like, oh, i don't know, 5 FEET to the side, you're only gonna lose maybe 10 seconds of your life that you had before. I know time is money, but 10 seconds can't even buy fries on the Value Menu.

Next time you're at the airport/on the airplane, try to remember these little tidbits as you read through the SkyMall magazine. Oh, and the $50 antlers that you can buy for your truck, they're awesome, buy them.

Tennessean- "White Trash People Are Terrible"

StuffWhiteTrashPeopleLike
Stuff White People Like
..Or Kind of Awesome. Either way I ran across this link while updating myself on "Stuff White People Like." Now many of you may not have heard about that webpage but it basically outlines different things that white people like and offer and explanation for each. It's pretty damn funny if you have the time to read it (which you do...) Either way the page I am talking about is; "Stuff White Trash People Like" (see link above).

One of my personal favorites:
#7- "Settlement Checks"-

'White people litigate. White trash people settle out of court.

At least once in each white trash person's life, his or her ship comes in. Be it a slip and fall at Wal-Mart or a food poisoning claim from Krystal, every white trash person in America will receive at least one large cash legal settlement. This payment is known in white trash circles as a "settlement check.'

There are not as many as "Stuff white people like"...but it is a working progress.

Props to folks over there for celebrating redneck culture.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why do I have..."

Well, well, well. Looks like we are in for a treat this time around with the search query..."Why do I have..." I have no choice but to question these people who actually type these searches into Google. I guess if I was worried about my green poop or 4 nipples then I would consult Google before my friends. Google can't make fun of me when I ask dumb/weird/just wrong questions...not yet at least! Here we go!

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why do I have...

Why do I have green poop?

Woah! Attention green poopers! Your poop is probably green because you, believe it or not, actually ate something green. I know this may come as a shock to you but if you eat green shit then chances are your shit will be green, too.

Some guy on one site did care to share to the world that he "usually gets green poop after eating Lucky Charms" which makes them even more 'Magically Delicious' in my book.

Why do I have so much gas?

First of all, farts are still considered funny...so don't worry too much about it just yet. I'm going to assume that your diet it piss-poor and this could be the cause of your excessive gas. I'd look into more exercise, more fiber, more poops...if the poops are green, you now know what's up as well.

Why do I have no friends?

Easy! You are a pathetic L-O-S-E-R!!! Sorry pal, I didn't mean it...I'll be your friend! My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where the hell you went wrong.

Examples:
-Do you play endless hours of World of Warcrap?
-Do you possess more than 5 cats?
-Do you like to eat your own boogers?
-Do you have a lot of gas and green poop?

Hopefully, you get the point. Basically, you need to start from scratch and try to be more social with society. Join a church, group, club, or whatever! Just get out there and do something! I really don't want to see you on the news about to jump off a building/bridge, buddy.

Why do I have so much discharge?

I'm pretty sure I just puked in my mouth over this Google search question. What really bothers me is that there were soooooo many chicks that Googled this that it turned up on the top Google searches. That means that there are TONS of chicks crawling the streets with excessive discharge. Pretty disturbing huh? My advice to you ladies out there...please for the love of God get some help!

Why do I have dark circles under my eyes?

I'm going to take a stab at this question here and say that your tired. Get some sleep! If that's not the problem than try getting some more iron in your diet. Lastly, if those dark circles are actually 'black eyes' then you should either learn how to fight better or run faster.

Why do I have 4 nipples?

Woah, I don't know, you're about to have puppies?! I've never heard of this and I already feel sorry for you. Look into getting those two extra tits taken off ASAP! I sure as hell don't want to see you on the same beach as me any time soon. Your lucky that Google doesn't make fun of you, too.


Why do I have diarrhea?

You sir, I can imagine right now sitting at your computer frantically typing into the Google Search about your diarrhea problem while keeping your cornhole puckered up tight. Haha, thanks for the laugh at your expense! You probably ate something that didn't agree with you like Mexican food...or drank waaaay too much.

Why do I have nightmares?

Maybe you should cut out watching Friday the 13th or Halloween before you go to bed. It's just a thought... Besides that, I'm not too sure.

However, if your nightmares consist of you sitting at home with no friends, 4 nipples, green diarrhea, bad gas and discharge...then I'm going to recommend that you don't read this blog any more.

5th Year Senior- "Insane Stunt Driving"

5th Year Senior- "The Art of Changing Church Marquees"

Changing marquee signs is a delicate process. It starts with a drive-by to write down what the sign originally reads. Brainstorming ensues. You can only use the letters available. The more immature, the better. Putting the new phrase together takes timing. One man must be on Cop watch at all times. When you're done, stand back and admire your masterpiece.

5th Year Senior- "Greatest Freak Out Ever"

Let's analyze this incredible video in chronological order:

-First, stop laughing, I know it's hard.
-Where does he muster up the vocal power to make those pterodactyl-like noises?
-While wrestling with his comforter, he pulls a David Blaine and makes his shirt disappear.
-He goes into the closet for approximately 1.5 seconds to blow off some steam.
-The Exorcist moves are stunning.
-There is a brief King Kong impression.
-At what point in an average person's freak out do they think, "I need to stick a remote up my ass"?
-After remote insertion, he begins to crash.
-Shoe to the head helps him accomplish this.
-A few more Exorcist movements capped off by a powerful left straight to the mattress.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Sprite Goes Bad"

Wow, words can't begin to describe this banned Sprite ad in Germany. You'll understand... A little wrong and a "load" of Sprite!

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why..."

Let's face it...Google knows EVERYTHING! Sometimes, it even knows what's on your mind even before you finish typing it out. With that being said, this is the first of many top Google searches that I'll cover. Not only will I question the intelligence of those who "Googled" these searches, but I'll even do the legwork and answer them. Here goes...

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why...


Why is the sky blue?

Ahhhh, the age old question when you were little. Surprisingly, this is probably the most legit question here.

If you were wondering...briefly...As light moves through the atmosphere, most colors pass through but blue is absorbed, radiated in different directions all around the sky. Whichever direction you look, some of this scattered blue light reaches you and since you see the blue light from everywhere overhead, the sky looks blue.

OOOOOOOK, moving right along...

Why do men have nipples?

Haha, who are these people who really want to know so much that they Google it? Personally, I think it would look awkward as hell if men DIDN'T have nipples. Turns out this is somewhat interesting...mostly because I didn't know/never really thought about it/didn't care to know. However, dudes have nips because EVERYBODY has the 'X' gene. (XX=Chick XY=Dude) Soooo, since everybody gets a 'X' gene there are going to be some same features like nipples.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

These jokes f-ing suck. To get to the other side...NEXT.

Why do cats purr?

Unfortunately, it seems that there are MANY creepy cat ladies in the world that are curious. Some trashy website says that it's "original function of purring was to let a kitten to communicate with his mother that things are well"...wow. What exactly do they mean by 'original function' anyway? Either way, I still hate cats.

Why do men cheat?

Wow...lots of women seem to be crying their eyes out over the keyboard for this question! I'm not touching this one.

Why did Chris Brown (with/beat up/feat) Rihanna

Two out of the three don't make any f-ing sense as a question. However, apparently TONS of people want to know why the hell Chris Brown (insert improper grammar here) Rihanna. Nobody knows yet...just like I don't get why anybody cares.

Why do dogs eat poop?

Probably because you don't feed them enough you idiot! It's either that or that you fed them something really really good and they wanted another go-around with it!?

Why did I get married?

I was really worried about this one...turns out it's the title of a shitty Tyler Perry movie. Or at least that's what most of the results in the search are...

5th Year Senior- "Top 10 iPhone Apps"

I've been an iPhone addict going on 2 years. I've downloaded a ton of apps and kept the ones that I really liked. Here is my list of the Top 10.

Shazam

Imagine you're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio that you have to have. If you're lucky they will let you know the name of the song when it's over, but this isn't always the case. Whip out your phone, start Shazam, and within a few seconds your iPhone will tell you the artist, song name, and album. It even gives you the option of downloading it on iTunes right away.

Flight Control

Ever wanted to be an air traffic controller? Me neither, but this game will get you as close to the real thing as possible. Direct planes and helicopters onto the correct runways but make sure they don't crash!

Peggle

Peggle is an arcade game that is also very popular on XBox Live. Warning: this game is unbelievably addicting! Prepare to give up hours of your day. It is like an extreme form of The Price is Right game "Plinko".

Amateur Surgeon

This is a game by Comedy Central. The premise: You are a pizza delivery guy that has dreams of becoming a surgeon. You take it upon yourself to perform surgeries using you pizza making tools. Sounds really lame, but is actually quite fun.

Bank of America Mobile

If you are a Bank of America customer, this app is a must! It allows you to view your balance and complete transactions directly from your iPhone.

Color Splash

I'm not much of an artist, but this app makes me feel like one. Take pictures or use existing ones and turn them into pieces of art. Color Splash turns your photo black and white and allows you to choose which colors will show through. Very cool.

1 vs. 100

This is a mobile adaptation of the hit game show. There are 3 difficulty setting that will satisfy trivia amateurs and veterans alike. It includes a ton of questions so repeats are not really a problem. The only down side, no Bob Saget.

Tap Tap Revenge 2

If you love guitar hero, you will love Tap Tap Revenge 2. It allows you to do everything Guitar Hero will do using just your fingers. Play along with new and old hits and even compete online with other users.

Air Mouse

If you think you cannot possible get any lazier, Air Mouse will prove you wrong. This app lets you control your computer mouse and keyboard from your iPhone. So sit back on the couch, turn on the TV, set your laptop in front of you, and you're set for hours.

Yellow Pages Mobile

This app is a must have for all iPhone users. It allows you to search for businesses by genre or input an address directly. It will give you directions from your current location to your desired destination.

5th Year Senior- "Banned VW Commercial"

Here is a banned VW commercial. It's not politically correct, but very effective:

The Writers- "Shout to J-F"

As I was spending some time on Facebook today I ran across this video. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss The 90's Series - Slap Bracelets & Are You Afraid of The Dark?"

Wow, slap bracelets...There's NO WAY that you will ever totally forget about slap bracelets. Girls wore about eight of these a time while guys had them just to play with them/slap each other. For some unknown reason there was just so much sweet satisfaction in slapping those damn things on your wrist. It should also be noted that these things NEVER came in just one plain color. It was always some atrocious animal print, mixed neon colors, or some metallic crap.

This 90's fad ended quick when some kids were getting cut from the cheap metal bracelet and schools quickly banned them...oh well, big loss there.

Now, please tell me you remember this treat of a show...


This was by far my favorite show from the 90's. And yes, it is OK to miss the 'Midnight Society' because they were something special... They had awesome stories that somehow managed to spook me at that age. They had that sweet "dust" that they always threw in the fire to make it flame up before annoucing the name of the tale. And lastly, yes, they had Elisha Cuthbert! You know, this Elisha Cuthbert...

Management Trainee- "Friday Video"

I am most certainly working for the weekend right now. It's Friday and I have been on non-work related websites since I got in around 8. In about twenty minutes the guy who serves sandwiches out of his truck will show up on the corner. It's been a decent hungover Friday. I didn't have time to stop in to McD's this morning so the sandwich guy is my only hope. I'm going to try to get a picture so all of you can see. Basically this guy drives up in a truck with a heater/cooler attached to the back. He opens up his windows and people think he is f'ing Santa.

Here is a good video to remind you how awesome tonight's mayhem will be.

5th Year Senior- "Unknown Life Form"

Browsing YouTube, I ran across this video of and unknown life form found in a North Carolina sewer. It's kind of scary, kind of gross, but impossible to take your eyes off of: