Tennessean- "This Party Really Died"

I was driving into a place that I will leave silent (because thesefolks would seriously get salty). But the place I was entering had a sign posted before this gate that said "the best place in the south! :)" Well your sign posted above leads me to believe you are wrong. I'm not saying I would be "hatin" or even "violent" for that matter. But no booze? no blow? JUSSSTT Kidding. If I could take a guess I bet some of these things happen behind the big green gate. Once I drove down the mile long gravel driveway I was opened into a 157 acre farm with several "leadership" facilities. Hey...I was involved in college...I know what leadership training means....bow-chicka-bow wow. But with the rules posted at the gate Im guessing they actually do have a sober/terrible time.

*Real Quick Note: Why the hate rule? The sad thing is: Somebody at SOME POINT did something so awful that it was not only violent but was considered "hateful" to people enjoying themselves.

Enjoy yourself this weekend in your establishments allowing most of the listed above.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Never Leave Home Without It"

Ok, here's the situation:

It's GameDay at the college football mecca of your choice.
You've been drinking for several hours.
The run-down of drinks have included, but not limited to, screwdrivers, beer, and bourbon.
You've played it smart and haven't "broken the seal".
You arrive at your seat in the stadium with minor injuries.
Right after you help belt out the National Anthem it hits you...
You've got to piss so bad it's like holding back Niagara Falls,
You've got to piss so bad that your left arm is starting to go numb,
You've got to piss soooooo bad that your almost willing to just piss yourself.

Well your in luck!
Go ahead and let the good times roll.
Why? Because YOU, my friend, remembered to wear your Stadium Pal!
(You definetly need to check the link before going any further)

Ok, I'm not even going to try to bash the product...it's too easy.
However, there is a part of me that knows I would wear this to a football game just once.
Why? A bet from a fraternity brother of course!
Free booze all day in exchange for wearing your Stadium Pal AKA catheter with piss bag attached to your calf.
The drinks keep flowing as long as you are....into your Stadium Pal, of course.
Bettor beware:
-Yes, your buddies can attempt to burst your piss bag.
-Yes, your buddies can tell everybody that come across.
-Yes, your buddies can try to expose your piss bag to anyone and everyone.
Let the games begin! Just be sure you get so drunk that you don't care about the above...

For a more poetic and descriptive understanding of the Stadium Buddy, I have attached a clip from the David Letterman show featering David Sedaris and his take on "man's best friend."

I Love My Girlfriend - "Heroes Amongst Us"

OK, let me get this straight...I might live at home with the parents currently and do pretty much nothing all day long. However, I would still like to say that I have a life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm normal. I'm a normal guy that does normal things with other normal people. It's people like this, in the video below, that reaffirms my normality. Enjoy.




If that's not enough for you....check out these other losers on their World Superhero Registry.

A couple of my personal favorite "superheroes" are 'Angle Grinder Man' (pictured above) and 'The Red Arrow'.

Management Trainee- "Three Day Weekend"

1st things 1st: A huge thanks to all our troops and all those passed for defending our freedom.

The management trainee does not always live a great life, but at least he got to enjoy the national holiday. Unfortunatley down here in Tennessee the weather was rainy thus hendering aggressive drinking activities. Luckily I anticipated the inclement weather and decided to make the most of a sunday. I must say that yesterday was a great day in the neighborhood for alot of us that would normally spend sundays getting sad that monday is about to start. Below are two schedules. Schedule A=normal sunday. Schedule B=sunday prior to memorial day.

Schedule A:

-6:45 Am-Wake up naturally.

-6:46 Am- Quickly feel that hangover and go back to sleep

-12:00 Pm- Wake up for the day, start thinking about monday morning

-2:00 Pm- Eat unhealthy lunch to help the hangover

-2:30 Pm- Commence Tv/Facebook Marathon

-2:31 Pm- Get sad because there is not football

-3:00 Pm- Post ad on craigslist personals titled "lonely guy looking to get lucky this afternoon"

-3:15-4:00 Pm- Check gmail account for replies

-5:00 Pm- Force yourself to start laundry

-7:00 Pm- check gmail account and find no responses. Relieve thyself to overcome the loneliness.

-8:00 Pm-10:00pm- Beverly Hills Bordello/Facebook

-10:00 Pm- take sleeping pill

-10:00 Pm- Lay down and hope to fall asleep because you have to be up for work in 6 hours.

Schedule B:

-10:00 Am- Wake up naturally

-10:01 Am- Realize you did not go home w/ the girl you thought you did

-10:02 Am- Relieve thyself to overcome the loneliness

-10:12 Am- Constant water drinking to the point of vomitting.

-10:15 Am- Go back to sleep

-12:30 Pm- Breakfast provided by mom

-12:45 Pm ***this actually happened- Hear a knock on the back door of the kitchen. Answer the door to find your best friend in nothing but boxers.

-12:46 Pm- Best friend has to explain his whereabouts to you, younger brother, mom and dad that he got locked out of the house at 4:00am because he had to puke. Nobody would wake up to let him in so he slept in younger brothers car until this point.

-1:00 Pm- Send out mass-text to meet at parents house.

-1:30 Pm- Everyone comes over, go to beer store.

-1:31 Pm- Purchase 2 cases, one hotdog, one butterfinger, and one breakfast burrito.

-2:00 Pm-8:00pm- Drink in front yard of parents house.

-8:15pm- forced to eat dinner at Jack in the Box because every other place is closed because memorial day.

-8:30 Pm- Buddy gets kicked out of Jack in the Box- New Low

-9:00 Pm-Drive around trying to find place open with a bar

-9:15 Pm- Post ad on craigslist labeled "Come Strip for us and drink for free"

-10:00 Pm- Watch 5-6 midget wrestling videos

-10:05 Pm-02:30 Am- drink while watching cheaters marathon

I hope everyone out there ripped it up this weekend. Because today has been quite the party foul.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Awkward Family Photos"

One of my favorite things in life is awkward situations...not for me of course, but other people. There is nothing that makes me laugh more. Well this latest craze on awkward family photos is the newest site to pass on to your friends for a good laugh.

You can enjoy more awkward shit like this mess above. What the hell was this familiy thinking?! The dad actually looks like he is enjoying this situation. Something tells me that mom and dad already had those costumes sitting around the bedroom....sick fucks.

One of my personal favs is "The Dribbler"...you'll see. Enjoy!

Awkward Family Photos

You'll thank me later...

5th Year Senior- "Nature At Its Best"

This is one of the bets You Tube videos that shows nature in raw form:

I Love My Girlfriend - "OOOOK K K!"

College Humor usually puts together some pretty funny stuff. My latest favorite is their translation subtitles they have so conviently provided for you in MTV's Cribs: The Ying Yang Twins.

God, I love these hoodrats...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I Love My Girlfriend - "NEWS FLASH! Pringles ARE Potato Chips"

Well no fucking shit Pringles are potato chips! It took a higher court in Britain to make this earth-shattering new discovery. This was actually a big deal in Britain because they have a huge tax for all products that have "potatoness", which was an actual word used in court. So now, P&G owe $150 million in back-taxes and over $30 million more per year for their "potatoey" Pringles.

Now, for the depressing news...Our beloved Pringles are actually only about 40% potato with about 33% flour AND FAT!!! I've never heard of FAT as an acual ingredient but we should of known because why else would these chips be so good?! I don't even want to get into what the other 27% contains...

Either way, I would of told the courts to look at the actual fucking can of chips for the golden answer to their case. Now pay me millions, CASE CLOSED.

I Love My Girlfriend - "You Know You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands When..."

Unfortunately, I have moved back home with the parents/roommates after just graduating. Right now, life sucks pretty fucking hard. I have a lot of time on my hands now that I'm home. I try to be productive and do random shit like wash my car just so I can call it a "productive" day. Let's recount my "productive" day:

-Woke up at 10:30, and yes, I consider that early.
-Ate Corn Pops
-Mom confronted me if I was a smoker, fucking great!
-Went upstairs to shower
-Met working friend downtown for lunch, Mexican was a good choice.
-Saw fat actor from one episode of Seinfeld. No, not Newman.
-Drove around aimlessly, checking out Nashville.
-Blasted two cigs on the way home.
-Stopped by public library to attempt to be productive.
-Checked out three books and two audio-CD books...we'll see how this goes.
-Arrived home, windows down, and aired out....because I don't smoke, of course.
-Watched one episode of Law & Order
-Actually did wash my car.
-Mom talked me into going to church on Wednesday...felt bad from lying about smoking.
-Sat in church, sang a couple good songs, thought about being rich in Vegas.
-Ate leftovers for dinner plus baked potato...better than McDonald's.
-Took a shit, now blogging, and found video of person who has more time on their hands than me...LITERALLY.

Recent College Grad-"Serious Pain"

Just a quick note tyler perry's house of payne really sucks.

As if the commercials advertising this sitcom were not bad enough...just try watching an entire episode. Here is the issue: This show is considered "popular". Well what the hell? I spent 30 minutes of my life watching this sitcom and did not laugh ONCE. Maybe I just don't understand. Even when I think they are making a joke I don't laugh because it's not funny to me (or others like me for that matter). An example of a joke would be, "Yeah Martin...Yeah get yo fat ass out of that chair!"....Not funny. I like normal TBS humor like King of Queens where Doug puts mayo on his hotdog and then it gets all over some lady and she can't believe he puts mayo on his hotdog. THERE HAS BEEN 6 SEASONS OF THIS SHIT! I want my TBS living the dream lineup back.

And tonight is a marathon...looks like I'm watching foodnetwork re-runs of "best places to pig-out" (which by the way is awesome)

wiki article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyler_Perry

Management Trainee-"It's Highly Discouraged"

One of the first things that happens when you start working for a company is a session where you and the human resources manager will go over the handbook covering workplace guidelines. It is safe to say you will not need to open the handbook again. However myself and a co-worker informed our manager that we would like to wear short-sleeved dress shirts one day a week for comic relief. She was quick to note: "sorry it's against company guidelines". She is definitley not on the short-sleeve train. So my co-worker decided to actually look into her response and he found the segment in the handbook covering company dress-code. The news was nothing short of uplifiting. He found that we were in fact allowed to wear short-sleeved dress shirts. However in italics it noted: This form of dress is highly discouraged. Why the hell is it highly discouraged? Here in about 2-3 weeks it is going to get hotter than hell outside and I would like to wear a f* short-sleeved shirt regardless if I look like a convicted sex offender. To be honest I would like to see a short-sleeve dress shirt revival. All it takes is one badass person to start rocking this look and it would quickly become a phenomenon. Just imagine if you were watching Celebrity Apprentice and trump was rocking a short-sleeve shirt with a power tie. Would you make fun? Probably not, because it's f* donald trump. When I own more shit then he does I can make fun of him, until then he's better than most people. There were also a few other things listed in the handbook that are highly discouraged. Here is a list of a few things:

-Moustache (another thing that I think will make a revival once the economy turns around)

-Hair below the collar line

-White dress shoes

-Clip-on ties (hahaha....wtf)

A clip on tie is unforgivable unless you are under five or you are wearing it to a date party/mixer.

Just imagine if in ten years the new standard is short-sleeve dress shirt and moustaches, thats a world I want to work in.

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5th Year Senior- "Wake Up, Beautiful"

After a night of silent slumber, you awake to someone standing next to your bed, staring at you. Enough to make you shit your pants depending on who it is. This is a list of 10 celebrities that you would hate to wake up to:

Michael Jackson

Ahhhh! Sorry, this picture just gave me a minor heart attack at 23. From "The Jackson 5" to this, what the fuck? We all know the story of his downward spiral between changing races to "being friends" with adolescent boys. Take a minute to look at this picture. Then take another minute to image his face looking over you as you wake with his surgically implanted stubble.

EDIT: This was made before the death of Michael. Very sad and tragic, and would also make waking up to him even more creepy.

Paula Abdul

This loony tunes brawd is also pretty damn hot for being old. But anyone who has watched an episode of "American Idol" knows that she is batshit crazy. As you wake up, think about her face hovering above yours crying hysterically. Creepy.

Spencer Pratt

I am not a fan of "The Hills". Ok, maybe I've seen one episode. Fine, I watch it religiously but only to see Audrina. I hate the word douchebag, but that is about the only word that can describe this guy. I hate him. And so does America. People like this should not exist and to wake up to him would be the most saddening event imaginable.

New York

This super slut became famous first on "Flavor of Love" and then on her own spinoff, "I Love New York". Her loud ass antics and general ghetto demenor are extremely aggrivating. To wake up with this "sista" next to you could be a health risk. STDs can't be transmitted through air, unless you are New York. To steal a joke from The Roast of Larry The Cable Guy: "New York has had sex with so many black dudes, every time she gets a pap smear, 40 murders are solved".

Peewee Herman

Anyone that was born in the 80's can claim Peewee Herman as a childhood hero. That is until he exposed himself to an crowd in an adult bookstore. Just imagine that same scenario as you wake up...

Courtney Love

As the lead singer of "Hole", she is still more famous for being married to Kurt Cobain. How he put up with this lunatic is beyond me. I can picture it now. You wake up to stumbling at your bedroom door only to find this coked out mess standing over you drooling and mumbling her own chemically induced language.

Steven Hawking

I know I know, he is disabled...but god damn is he creepy. Just think about him wheeling up to your bedside and typing on his computer speaker: "G-O-O-D M-O-R-N-I-N-G".

Tom Cruise

It's a true shame what has happened to Tom. After starring in such early movies as "Top Gun" and "Cocktail", the sky was the limit. Then he found Scientology. Whether it be forcing poor Katie Holmes to have a silent birth or eating the placenta afterward, Tom Cruise has officially lost it. This encounter would be a more startling wake up. He would jump up and down on your bed, slam his fists into the ground, and proclaim his love for Holmes just like he did on Oprah. C'mon dude.


Gary Busey

Just one look at this wack job is enough to make you cry. He is probably the craziest individual on this list. After seeing his cameo in an episode of "Entourage", to wake up with him at your side would be extremely traumatic.


Ryan Seacrest

This guy is just plain creepy. I don't know what it is about him. He seems to be on every show on TV and comes off as a complete tool. Waking up with him standing over you is enough to make anyone want to punch a baby.

Recent College Grad- "Get a good look Costanza?"

Ever since graduating I'v been spending alot of time in the break room. By break room, I mean the daily TBS lineup known as the break-room. This truly is a beautiful thing and I really have nothing to look forward to until this. Besides seeing george costanza in seinfeld everyday I also ran across george in this incredible commercial from the 80's. I would say Dunston Checks In was a step-up.

Tennessean- "Big Knockers In My Mouth"

As wierd as I probably looked getting a picture of this I had to take one to share with you all the costco's chicken bake. This is just one more thing that proves costco is the best place ever created. Now this is somewhere I like to spend my money. Just look at the combination of amazingness baked into a roll. Chicken=solid, cheese=amazing, Bacon=joy tears down my face, caesar dressing=cat's pajamas. Who would not bust in their kakis for this creation? There are plenty of good reasons to shop at costco and the chicken bake is one of them.

Other good reason to shop @ costco:

-Great service from people who love their job. (unlike wmart)

-Awesome pricing on bulk items

-Environmentally conscience by using sky windows instead of lights.

-Membership (means you won't have to deal with garbage while you shop)

-Multiple stands with food samples. (enough to make an entire meal)

5th Year Senior- "Dream Girl"

We all know Megan Fox as the hot ass girl from Transformers. I came across this video that lets every drooling dude on earth know what it is like to wake up with her. Enjoy...

Management Trainee- "Dear Work Phone"

You are:
1.) The reason I swear when I wake up in the morning.
2.) The reason I won't live past 50
3.) The reason I drink and abuse drugs
4.) The reason I have to take high blood pressure medicine
5.) Someone who owes me $200.00 per month for therapy sessions.

When I hear you:
1.) I begin thinking about my resignation letter to Human Resources
2.) I want to break you into a million pieces and then let someone with a STD screw you sideways
3.) I have to practice my breathing exercises
4.) All I can think about is my life crashing down
5.) My eyes fill with tears

The only time I like you is when:
1.) Is when I pick you up there is nobody on the other line or "wrong number"
2.) It is one of the sexy girls from the 1-800 center
3.) I need you to make personal phone calls regarding jobs on craigslist
4.) I am using you to make prank calls to the mayfield factory asking for "betsy dekow"
5.) When I use you to make annoying and hurtful messages about people over the intercom.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Sorry Douche, I'm Engaged"

OK, this is fucking brilliant. Take a funny, popular YouTube video and remake it with the same theme into your own song and call it a "response" to the original. What you have as a result is another funny, popular video. The difference? The "response" is advertising a product in the actual video...see if you can catch it the first time.



Either way, it's free advertising to many many viewers while hitting your target market up. It also helps that the chick in the video is smoking hot. Finally, the product that they're are trying to get your money for is a fake engagement ring that you wear to bars so you don't get hit on by douchebags....smart, but you can forget your free drinks, bitch.

For $50 the fake engagement ring is yours along with a sleek keychain carrier. MsTaken.com

5th Year Senior- "Plaid Stallions"

Am I the only one that wishes people still dressed this way?

I Love My Girlfriend - "Flying While Fat"

This is the phrase that the media has coined for the latest economic injustice. Some airlines are starting to charge fat people more money to fly to their destination.

Don't get me wrong, I hate sitting next to these people while flying just like the next guy. Yeah sure, they smell and sweat a lot not to mention they take up part of the seat you paid for. We already know that when you get off the plane your back hurts from leaning the opposite direction from them and also that you're about to piss yourself because you didn't want to have to disturb to "aisle block". I'm not even so sure that I can get past the possibility that they could of swiped your complementary peanuts and snacks while you were sleeping.

So what exactly are some of the parameters that these airlines are considering taking?

1) How fat is too fat? - Airlines say you are a fat ass if you can't sit in your seat with the armrests down AND/OR if you need MORE THAN ONE seatbelt extender.

Ok, what the fuck? I MIGHT be able to understand the armrest part but a seatbelt extender?! Are you fucking kiddng me? Those seatbelts are long as shit as it is. Further research discovered that an extender adds 24 more inches. I suppose if they said the extenders added TWO FUCKING FEET then the fat people might get offended.

You can actually buy your own seatbelt extension online to save yourself the embarrassment of asking for one. These people are making a killing off fat flyers! $55 for a 24 inch extension...that's over 2 bucks an inch! See for yourself.

2) A body consious model? - Some airlines might adopt a pay-per-pound fat tax.

Oh great, another new add-on fee for airlines to charge. Considering half of America is considered overweight by health standards, this one should be interesting. I don't need an airline to tell me I'm overweight. I can see people getting reeeeeeeeally upset about this one.

Here's how the dialogue at the ticket counter would go...
"Ok mam, could you please put your luggage on the scale please?"
"Now would you please stand on the scale mam?"
"Thank you mam, by US-OMG-WTF regulations your luggage is 15 lbs overweight and you are 55 lbs overweight bringing your additional weight fees to $70. Enjoy your flight fatty!"

3) Too fat? Buy another seat or get the fuck out! - If the airline deems you as a "seatmate of size", which is what they are really calling it, then you have two options. Pay double the amount for the original seat for a grand total of two seats for your one fat ass OR get left behind at the airport to sulk about being too fat to fly. But hey, cheer up! At least most airports have Cinnabon, and you know cinnamon rolls will always be there to cheer up your fat rolls.

Lastly, I love fat people. They make me feel good about myself and usually have good stories/jokes. With that being said, please don't make me sit by them on an airplane.

I Love My Girlfriend - "dRunCk tExinG"

The Ten Most Common Forms of Drunk Texting

1) The "fishing" text

The main determinants of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your determination to NOT fall asleep while texting.

Typically starts as a generic, "What are you doing?" or "Where are you?" Of course, this text is sent out to at least 10 potential hookups in hopes that at least one actually responds. When that sucker takes the bait and actually responds, it's up to you to reel them in with some more "smooth" talking.

2) The “Cock-up" text

When your T-9 fucks up what you're trying to say...

You work so hard to get just the right text to that certain someone and it takes FOR-EV-ER to get it all typed out and you the response you get? "Huh?" Two things happen at this point...A)Too lazy to retype and give up OR B)Determined for ass so you patch the text back together for another 10 minutes.

Examples: Raring = Raping / More = Nope/Nose

3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Usually sent in times of dire need and/or emergency. These times include but not limited to having a fat stage-five clinger at the bar, snuck off to get head behind the bar, or if your about to get in a fight and need backup.

4) The "Declarations of undying love" text

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. You people know who you are and what you say in these texts...keep on making us normal people look better!

You are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but they sure won’t and they will have the evidence in her inbox to show to all their friends.

5) The dreaded "Family" text

Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous. (See picture above for classic example)

6) The "SHIT! FUCK!" text

The name is derived from the words you say after sending it.
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or about you lusting for someone...but you send it to that someone that you were actually talking about. SHIT!...FUCK!

7) The "One-Eyed" text

By 3am focusing has become difficult and pretty much impossible. But far from deterred, your alcohol fueled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye and hold on to something stable with your non-texting hand. You determine son of a bitch, you! Make us proud!

8) The "Pre-gaming booty checkup" text

Usually sent while pre-gaming for the night. It sets the stage for how the night is going to go.

The innocent, "You out tonight?" should be translated as, "Just checking to see if your out in case I need to find you for some sex later."
Guys will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same bar as the girl, bullying his boys into going to that bar that they probably never go to. If they don't come with, you can count on the "friend locator" text later...

9) The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that, to remind yourself to do something tomorrow.

Examples: "Say sorry to Lisa" "Tim owes me 10 bucks" "Condom broke, buy pill"


10) The "morning after" text

While still buzzed from the night before, you send this text when you have to wake up early to piss out the ungodly amounts of alcohol you consumed only 3-4 hours ago. Similar to the 'morning after pill', it is used to correct some of the mistakes you made from the night before and also has a limited time frame to when it's still useful. The sooner the better!

5th Year Senior- "Winnebago Man"

Next time you talk to a car salesman, or even better a Winnebago salesman, think to yourself: Do they have a fly problem?

Management Trainee- "Corporate Douchebags and the Things They Love"

She is the only thing on this planet that can make a blue-tooth look good. Here is the reality: people like her do not where bluetooth ear pieces. The bluetooth ear piece is among the many things that corporate douchebags love that make them look like total losers.

Congratulations you have earned a degree and you have entered the business world. Many people decide to change their appearance during this stage to separate themselves in effort to look "grown-up". Here are things that young professionals do in attempt to look corporate but wind up looking like a real b-teamer. (the bluetooth point has already been made, but is one of the worst).

1.) Starbucks. If you drink it stop. If you love it, I am too late. People who walk into the office with their starbucks coffee think to themselves "yeah it's a triple mocha cream bla bla.." and their co-workers are thinking "why did you not drink the free coffee in the break room, you just spent 10 dollars on a cup of coffee, you suck." Lesson Learned.

2.) Multi-colored dress shirt with a tie. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to dress like an adult. In my opinion the only acceptable color for a dress shirt(when wearing a tie) is white or blue. Certain social occasions call for a light colored dress shirt, but even then they are discouraged. When I see someone walk into my place of business wearing a red shirt/black tie combo I want to ask them if they are with the fucking Gotti brothers. The sad thing is you probably spent alot of money on that awful attire. I'm sorry for offending you and your "fellas."

3.) Gelled Hair. This should go without saying but the fact is I see gelled hair all the time. Why are you still spiking your hair up? I can tell you from experience that when I or my co-workers work with clients rocking gelled hair we all make jokes later like, "hey the kid from free willy called and he wants his hair back." Another point: How old will you have to get to decide that gelling your hair is a bad decision?

4.) Shitty cars made into a convertible. Examples include; chrysler sebring, mazda miata, pt cruiser (piss poor), jeep wranger. If you decide to purchase a convertible go for something from another country.

5.) Expensive shots at the bar post work. It is very typical for everyone at the office to go out for a few drinks after work. This is a great time for a beer or whiskey/coke. Dude seriously you're co-workers do not want to get loaded up before going home to eat dinner with their families. Regardless there is always some tool buying "jager bombs" at the office happy hour. The funny thing is that the corporate douche-bag really thinks he is on top of the world during this time. While his co-workers are saying, "Why is Lucas buying shots?" Lucas thinks he is "networking." Guess who's back out of the network.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Coming to a Food Court Near You"

I'm a big fan of ImprovEverywhere. It's a group of random people that sign up to do spontaneous, yet planned acts of awesomeness in different places. Be sure to check out all of their videos on YouTube. The fat lady with the "baby" really bothers me but the janitor makes up for her awfulness...check it out.

5th Year Senior- "If I Was a Woman..."

As I sit here attempting to study for my last set of finals as an undergrad, there is only one thought running through my head...What if I woke up as a hot brawd? This thought has crossed my mind before but I'm really analyzing this question at the moment. If I were to wake up as a hot little blond with big tits and a fat ass, this would be my schedule for the day:


- 10:00 AM: Wake up to scratch my morning wood only to find I have no penis.
- 10:01 AM: Cry hysterically because my life has no meaning.
- 10:02 AM: Stop crying when I realize I have DD boobs and a vagina.
- 10:03 AM: Take in the situation and think to myself what I could do to make the best of this dilemma.
- 10:04 AM: Play with my boobs.
- 10:05 AM: Curious as to what all the fuss is about when it comes to multiple orgasms, I masturbate.
- 10:15 AM: Realizing what all the fuss is about, I masturbate 15 times consecutively.
- 11:30 AM: Hop in the shower.
- 11:35 AM: Press my boobs up against the shower door.
- 11:36 AM: Let out a really long and loud shower fart and laugh to myself because a girl just farted.
- 12:00 PM: Eat lunch.
- 12:05 PM: Feeling bloated, I decide to test a theory that has been proven by such scientists as Newton, Einstein, and Darwin: Girls don't poop.
- 12:06 PM: Attempt to blast a shit out to see if girls really don't poop.
- 12:10 PM: Wish I had not tested this theory when I realize that girls actually can poop.
- 12:11 PM: Shiver in disgust.
- 12:12 PM: Tweak my nipples.
- 12:15 PM: Thank god I am not on the rag...talk about ruining a once in a life time opportunity.
- 12:30 PM: Get dressed to go out and show off my new found body.
- 12:35 PM: Realizing that I only have dude clothes in my closet, I put on a t-shirt and jeans and prepare to go to the mall.
- 12:40 PM: Masturbate twice.
- 1:30 PM: Arrive at the mall and head for Victoria Secret to get some sexy lingerie.
- 1:45 PM: Realizing that I have no idea what I'm doing, I ask a hot brunette to help me out.
- 2:00PM: She enters the dressing room with me while I'm trying on a bra and I realize that I would have a raging hard on if I was still a dude at the thought of this situation.
- 2:05 PM: Tell the brunette that I have fake boobs and ask if she would like to feel them.
- 2:06 PM: She accepts and I immediately put this image in the spank bank for use when I go back to being a dude.
- 3:00 PM: Go back home with a new wardrobe.
- 3:01 PM: Feel kind of gay for buying a new wardrobe, but override this thought when I look at my boobs.
- 3:02 PM: Bounce up and down to watch my boobs jiggle...amazing.
- 4:00 PM: Arrive home and immediately strip down.
- 4:05 PM: Take pictures of my bangin' body for documentation.
- 4:06 PM: Wonder if it will be creepy to masturbate to the pictures when I turn back into a guy.
- 4:07 PM: Squeeze my boobs and realize, absolutely not.
- 4:30 PM: Cry.
- 4:35 PM: Can't stop crying.
- 4:40 PM: Realize that it must be female nature to cry about everything.
- 4:45 PM: Masturbate.
- 5:00 PM: Miss my penis.
- 5:01 PM: Cry.
- 5:02 PM: Fart and laugh again.
- 5:30 PM: Eat dinner.
- 5:45 PM: Feeling bloated, but don't dare test scientific theories again.
- 6:00 PM: Decide that tonight I am going to have a lesbian encounter.
- 6:01 PM: Really miss my penis at the thought of this.
- 6:02 PM: Shake my boobs around and feel better.
- 7:00 PM: Put on my new dress which shows off my flawless tits and look in the mirror:
- 7:01 PM: Damn I look good.
- 7:02 PM: Play with boobs.
- 8:00 PM: Head to a lesbian bar.
- 8:10 PM: Get in a car accident on the way, realize this is because I am a woman.
- 8:15 PM: Man that I hit is furious, show him my boobs and he calms down.
- 8:16 PM: He hits on me and I quickly realize how gay this situation is and leave.
- 9:00 PM: Get to the bar.
- 9:30 PM: Find two of the hottest lesbians.
- 10:00 PM: They buy me drinks because I am so hot.
- 10:01 PM: Think to myself how awesome it is to never have to pay for a drink.
- 10:02 PM: Remember that I can't drive because I am a woman, and realize that these two balance each other out.
- 12:00 AM: Take two hot lesbians home for a threesome.
- 12:30 AM: Video tape everything, for documentation of course.
- 1:00 AM: One of them pulls out a dildo at tries to put it in my ass.
- 1:01 AM: Give her the dolphin, remembering that my ass will soon be a dude's.
- 2:00 AM: Lesbians leave.
- 2:01 AM: Play with my boobs.
- 2:10 AM: Fall asleep.
- 10:00 AM: Wake up with morning wood and attempt to hug my penis because I missed it so much.
- 10:01 AM: Fart.
- 10:02 AM: Laugh and realize farts are funny no matter what.
- 10: 03 AM: Glad I am a dude again.
- Next Two Days: Don't leave house with due to videos, pictures, and spank bank material accumulated from the previous day.

5th Year Senior- "Library Rave"

The stress of finals can be miserable, but these people found a way to squash it.

Recent College Grad- "IDK, My bed?"

It is some what unfortunate but many people are turning to texting to make their late night hook-up dreams come true. What did people do in the 70's when they needed to make a light night booty call? Did they use land-lines? I'm just trying to imagine my house from college where I lived with six other dudes. What if we had to share one phone? I can already point out our friend who never get off the phone. He would have insane hands from just dialing the numbers 30+ times in one night. Either way since the economy is so bad I have had plenty of time to surf the web. And I stumbled across a very good website I think you all would enjoy.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Here were a few favorites:

-"Don't make out with my wife yet"

-"dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?"

-"i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude"

-"I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs."

-"My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry."

I could go forever.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Real Men of YouTube"

Well I'm officially pissed. After surveying the YouTube top viewed videos EVER, I discovered how dominant Britain's Got Talent really is on the website. With all these great Britain singers coming out now I felt like the time was now to recognize a TRUE American YouTube hero. Susan Boyle doesn't have shit on this guy...

American YouTube Badass

UPDATE: The dude's name is Gary Brolsma and this sack of shit is now trying to make money off his own fat-ass antics. He made a new numa video that makes you feel embarrassed and awkward...not really worth anybody's time. The gift shop on his new website is mildly entertaining. You can buy a t-shirt for $20 or a fucking button for $4 with this shit on it...

Whiskey Dick- "Sexual Escapades with an Absent Condom" ***Very Graphic***

Have you ever penetrated without a condom? Terrifying….Amazing! Although most of us know the feeling while entering the holy land un-strapped with proper protection, it can be described as an immaculate sensation of pure ecstasy. This may be an epic feeling, but also may distract from certain premeditated questions that all guys share right before the initial thrust of the stallion. “Is there a chance that I may inpregnate this girl or can I rely on my skills to pull out just in time to bust on her chest?” These are daunting questions, but questions that most guys usually procrastinate in determining proper solutions until after penetration. Upon entering, it is here when guys develop a since of urgency by having to quickly determine and adequately weigh their options on where to unload. There are few methods that most guys concentrate on for determining a successful outcome of their sexual escapade with an absent condom.
-The first method is used by the more novice males who have little to no future; I introduce Method #1- “Pork the Nun and unload inside”. Screw it right? No, this is the most dangerous of all methods and may lead to the most undesirable outcome for any male outside of wedlock, the conception of a child. Although unloading inside would allow your little guy to experience the greatest and most pure form of an orgasm, it is not worth the pretty penny that would be spent on the little bastard child for the next 18 years. If you’re an idiot and choose to chance it, there is only one option at this point, morning after pill ($50). If you ask me, it’s like spending $50 on a hooker that causes more stress on your life than McDonalds raising the prices on the dollar menu.
-The most used of all methods and my personal favorite, I introduce Method #2- “Pull and Pray”. Pull it out right before you bust and send your junk flying all over her stomach and/or chest. If she is ok with this, or not, it can lead to a since of personal victory by strategically and skillfully pulling it out just in time to climax all over her upper torso without the stressful implications of fatherhood in the back of your mind. Although this allows for an amazing feeling of triumph for any male, this method does take practice and requires a certain set of non-pre-ejaculation skills that some guys may or may not possess.

-The third method is for the more experienced males who love the blow-j’s, I introduce Method #3- “Put it in her mouth”. This method requires a male to be savvy in his approach to unlocking the entrance of the mouth and the exiting down her throat. In most cases this method is only successful when getting the female off first. Although this may be difficult for some, it is appropriate due to the feeling of gratitude a female possesses after she gets off. This feeling of gratitude towards your hard work puts the female in the sluttiest state of mind possible, I like to call it the “I love your dick mode”. When she enters this mode, it’s imperative to capitalize immediately and close the deal. To do this a guy must move quickly from his current position to directly on his back and initiate what he really wants. With confidence that the female is willing, the rest is human nature and you will be left smiling.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Hotel Soap Story"

Nice little story about those little bars of soap you get when you stay at a hotel...I find it funnier when you read it out loud.


_________________________________________________________
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

---

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

---

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

---

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

---

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

---

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

---

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

---

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

• On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.


• On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.


• On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,


• 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.


• Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.


• In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.


• On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.


• On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

---

© 1972 and 1985 Shelley Berman

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Tennessean- "Mullet Madness"

That is a hard earned mullet. Location: Cave City, KY @ Mcdonalds for breakfast. I am surprised I managed to keep my appetite. But in all honestly it would take alot for me to lose my appetite for McDonalds.
I am just glad I could take this picture without her or family members noticing. I suppose they do not understand how mobile phones operate. Either way there is no doubt this person would have kicked the shit out of me.

5th Year Senior- "Halo Love"

Dear Halo,

I am writing this love letter in response to your years of dedication. You were there for me through the awkward teenage years. You stood by while I was finding out exactly who I was, and I know it was hard. You provided support for the many hours that I could have been bettering my future by studying. I love you. I cannot begin to explain to you the feeling I get when I hear Double Kill, Triple Kill, and the ever so elusive Overkill. You know the way to my heart. I hope to continue our relationship for many years as I know you will always be there for me.

Love Always,
5th Year Senior

5th Year Senior- "Old SNL Commercial"

SNL has really gone down the shitter over the past decade. This commercial was aired during the late 90's and is by far the best:

"Dillon/Edwards Investments"