I Love My Girlfriend - "You Can't Spell BITCH Without I.T."

This video is EXACTLY what I daydream about while working...

I Love My Girlfriend - "I Wipe My Own Ass!"

I shit you not, I just saw this infomercial on TV.



There are so many things wrong with this...I don't know where to start.

My Observations:
-Americans are running out of invention ideas
-However, we have a stick that you can wipe your ass with now!
-For over 100 years we've been using toilet paper, what did we use before???
-This is the FIRST improvement to toilet paper since the 1880's!!! Hooray!!!
-Noticed how "easily" the T.P. drops off the stick...with a slightly violent shake.
-(T.P. = Archaic) VS (Stick + T.P. = Modern Solution?!)
-The "big guy" can't reach his asshole to wipe...super!
-Older lady(seems in perfect health) can't wipe her own ass without a T.P. stick?
-Shits will now take an additional 20 minutes to load and unload the Shit Stick.

In Conclusion:
Sadly enough, these "inventors" are probably on a fucking beach in paradise sipping on a Pina Colada laughing at how they got rich off a fucking stick to wipe the shit off your ass with. Unfortunately, this bullshit will probably be the next big hit of a gag gift or over-the-hill present on the market. I'm not wishing I invented the Shit Stick, just that I was on the fucking beach with drink in hand. FML

Recent College Grad- "Dear Recent College Grad..."

Starting in the month of July we will have a new segment called, "Dear Recent College Grad..." where we take letters written by college students seeking advice from someone who graduated college that can offer advice on their situation. Don't expect any sappy letters. We will only be taking concerns based around; drinking, sex, social functions, prank techniques...etc. If you are a student in college and need advice on your troubling situation please email tennesseebeforedaylight@gmail.com For example you may be thinking, "Do I call the girl I slept with last night? Even if she is a 5-6?" There are some things you need help with to make the most out of your college years! Let the recent grad help you out.

Recent College Grad-"I'm a real steak and potatoes kind of guy!"

Since it's sunday and it's 200 degrees outside I have elected to sit in my dark bedroom behind the computer looking at a number of old youtube videos. Examples include, "Numa Numa Guy" (which was a huge sensation when I was a freshmen in college) "I want the gold" ( people thinking they see a leprechaun) and many others. I ran across this video which is basically a compilation of terrible people interviewing for a date with a girl. It's great.

5th Year Senior- "Nick Swardson Does Coke"

We love Nick Swardson from "Grandma's Boy" and as Terry from "Reno 911". I was recently watching his stand-up decided to look him up on YouTube. I found this amazing gem:

Recent College Grad- "Just Graduated?"

Did you just graduate college recently?

If answering "yes" to this question- please continue reading. If answered "no"- go fuck yourself and enjoy your 50 cent beer night.

The other day it hit me like a ton of bricks, "holy shit I'm not in school anymore." The only comforting thing is that there are plenty other people going through the same experience. Unfortunately our symptoms of "post college depression" are pretty rough...but it seems they will get better over time. It's ridiculous how different the emotions are before and after college.

Before college: excited, anxious, aroused, eager, alive

After college: tired, sad, scared, anxious (needing medical attention), alone, cold.

I suppose there is something to be said for making money and buying your own things, but I would still rather live off my parents. I did feel better and worse after reading these articles. Better because now I know this is normal. Worse because man this is sad haha.

1.) "Recent College Grads are prone to anger and depression"

http://www.popsci.com/science-confirms-obvious/article/2008-05/recent-college-grads-are-prone-anger-and-depression

2.) "Post College Depression"

http://careerpeople.blogspot.com/2008/01/post-college-depression.html

3.) "Post College Symptoms"- HILARIOUS!!!!! (read down)

http://www.clickfornick.com/2007/08/post-college-blues.html

4.) Serious but...."New college graduates at risk for depression"

http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/05/14/new-college-graduates-at-risk-for-depression/2287.html

You have been warned! Now start finding ways to have fun...I'm going to suggest alcohol.

Management Trainee- "Hump Day Reading..."

Ah...nothing like making my way over the proverbial hill of the week. It's all good from here. It really is true that once wednesday is over its all "down hill" from there. Tomorrow I will start making plans for stupid ways to spend my money. At my office wednesday also means a good day to catch-up on facebook, email some random people, and find cheap s*** on craigslist. Today I ran across something hilarious.

(it has a slow start but keep reading...)

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

*Enjoy the rest of your useless week

I Love My Girlfriend - "ShamWow Guy In Jail"

I always get a kick out of the late night infomercials. It's also better when you find out that one of them landed in jail because he hired a hooker, she bit his tongue, and he beat the shit out of her in return.

This video is a spoof of Vince, the ShamWow Guy, in jail trying to sale shit...courtesy of CollegeHumor.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Smokecock@yourexpense.com"

If I ever get fired like poor Andrew here did...I might consider the same type of meltdown with similar creativity.

Problem: Now if someone commits arson at the ole boss's house...who's probably going down???

5th Year Senior- "Try and Keep a Straight Face"

While watching this video, I challenge you to try and keep a straight face. This was taken at the comedy barn in Pigeon Forge, TN and it is effin hilarious. I wish one of my friends laughed like this:

5th Year Senior- "Bayside"

Jimmy Fallon is supposedly trying to reunite the cast of Saved By The Bell...amazing. It would be every child's dream come true that grew up in the 90s. Here is a clip of the return of Zach Morris:

Tennessean- "CMA Music Festival-Pt.1"

Yes folks it's that time of year in Nashville, TN. It is the CMA Musical Festival taking place downtown. There is a series of day activities such as artist signings and free concerts and then the big dogs of the country music industry perform at LP Field Thurs-Sunday Night. This is part 1 of 4 pictures that I will post for you documenting my CMA experience. Yesterday myself and a few friends decided to tailgate around 4:30pm for the opening night. The concert was set to start around 8:30 so we had plenty of time to get rowdy. At the time we started tailgating there is was no one in the parking lot. However we were some of the last people to get to the show. It's all good in the hood with reserved seats. Either way I want to tell you about our friend Herman. (pictured above)
Facts about Herman:
-Age: Unknown
-Occupation: Homeless Engineer
-Specialty: Can collection and re-distribution

Usually I find homeless people to be rude and aggressive. Herman was not only a gentlemen but someone who took his business serious. Take a look at his dress. He actually wears a collared shirt tucked in the kaki's. That's solid. I will continue to produce empty cans for herman.

More to come.

5th Year Senior- "Insane Stuntman"

This guy is incredible:

Management Trainee- "Kick Me While I'm Down"

The other day I was wondering around downtown dropping off some paperwork and accidently got lost in the kitchen of a hotel. Right before I saw this picture I was just thinking, "Wow, this hotel is badass." "Man the people working here look like they are having a blast." "Everyone working here is so friendly." Now I know why. This is just one of the "motivational" signs I found once I passed the "employee only" doorway. How insane is this? Just imagine you are part of the wait staff. You are having a great day and making some solid earnings to blow at the bar later. Suddenly you drop a plate and everyone gives you that look like you are an incompetent piece of garbage. You spend time cleaning up the mess like you're f**** cinderalla and then make your way to the kitchen. As soon as you go in the kitchen you see that sign (pictured above) hahaha. "Thanks for your clumsiness?" You're the reason our 4 star hotel just lost 30 cents YTD on square salad plates.
Carry plates correctly or they will find someone else who knows how to use their hands. No wonder the staff was so friendly. Who knows what happens if you spill someone's orange juice. "Attn Juan in service"...You can imagine.

5th Year Senior- "Beer and Porn"

Here's a Bud Light commercial you won't see on TV:

I Love My Girlfriend - "Don't Taze Me Bro!"

Seeing that I'm bored I figured that it would be decently entertaining to YouTube-it up for a little while. I eventually searched for 'tazing' and came up on this little gem of a video.

This dude is getting arrested for some bull-shit and for a while I'm thinking, "This dude knows his shit and probably didn't do anything wrong."

Turns out this guy is a little "different"...you'll see.



OK, now for some of my favorite quotes:
-You guys don't own me, I'm not your property!
-Do you have no compassion in your life?
-I am with peace with every man in the nation
-You're evil and the Queen says it's not to be!
-I am understanding less of what you're saying and I DO NOT speak your language.
-I belong to my Father in heaven and his name is....YAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAA(or something)
-It tis less that I turn my head and cough for you, I am a Jew.

The Writers- "June Guest Writer Opportunity"

Hello everyone,

Starting this week and throughout the month of june we will be putting up an article every friday or saturday from one of our readers. If you have something interesting that you want our readers to take a look at please email: tennesseebeforedaylight@gmail.com and every week someone will be posted. You can use your actual name or you can make up and stay anonymous.

Thanks

Recent College Grad- "Dear Knoxville"

Believe it or not it has finally come. The Recent College Grad is moving back to his hometown. It is sad to leave Knoxville after five long badass years but I am excited to report to you from middle Tennessee. In honor of my departure I have decided to write a mock letter to the city of Knoxville. (if Knoxville were a person).

Dear Knoxville,

Words can not truly express how grateful I am for all the great things you brought into my life. Every time I leave this city I remember how nice the world can be. Every time I visit another college campus I remember how dirty you are. You are truly the sin-city of the south. You gave me a life I could never dream of while watching soft core with my friends in middle school. Knoxville we have had some awesome times together. I am sad that our relationship is coming to an end. However you know I will always visit you in the fall for game day where we can go back to good ole’ times. Knoxville there is so many things to be thankful for. A special thanks for; sorority rush, 35 or more parking tickets, one arrest, two citations, fifteen-twenty pounds, your various chicken finger eateries, so much of my parents money, day drinking, your summer months of mayhem, fake id’s and drinking underage, waking up in unknown places, plentiful supply of poo-nanni, classes missed, experience earned, friendships gained, and overall poor health. I know I got a little serious there for a second. Knoxville you have brought out the best and worst in me. You were with when I graduated and you were with me when I woke up on the side of the street and my pants were wet. I have hit many highs and low’s with you by my side. Thank you for west Knoxville. Every other direction of your city sucks and it depresses me. I only go east, south, or north to eat somewhere good and cheap. It makes me sad that after five short years we are parting ways. I know you will miss me too. I know you will miss all the money I blow on nothing but food and alcohol. I know your party scene will suffer without me and people will start to wonder why they starting going to your bars in the first place. But do not worry I will be back. And one day I will give so much money to your city and for one reason only: the memories you made for me. I have plenty of reasons to hate you. You have made me hung over, sad, and broke all in one night. Nonetheless whenever I hear your name mentioned I will feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my eyes will fill with tears because you are and will always be: the place I rocked the hardest.

Love,

The majority of people who leave your city after graduating.