5th Year Senior- "That Guy"

The bar scene is full of unique characters. People that you may or may not choose to associate yourself with. This is a list of those people:

Billy Badass

This guy is most likely wearing a Tapout shirt or a jersey, because we all know how cool it is to get your crew together to wear jerseys. God I wish I was that cool. Anyway, this guy probably just pulled a needle full of roids out of his ass in the bathroom. There are usually no girls in his general vicinity due to extreme fear. He and his cronies came to the bar to fight and will not leave without doing so. At all costs, avoid this guy. If not for personal health reasons, do so to make sure you are not guilty by association.

The Crying Girl

We’ve all seen it. A group of girls consoling their betch. They are usually huddled around a table, a table that my friends and I could be sitting at, spewing all sorts of annoying girl nonsense. “You are sooooo beautiful Kelly!” “Fuck him, there are so many other hot guys out there!” “Man, I really have to shit, come to the bathroom with me!” More than likely this crying girl is upset with her boyfriend. She probably heard that he is at another bar rubbing his junk all over some slutty girl on the dance floor. And even more likely, this boyfriend is sitting on the other side of the bar minding his own business. I swear, alcohol turns females into rabid animals.

The Social Smoker

This guy is a disgrace to all smokers. He doesn’t inhale, he holds the cig like a Frenchy, and coughs after every other puff. He’s probably thinking to himself, man I look like a badass smoking this cigarette. It unfolds like this: He bums the cig from one of his buddies who gives him a “What the fuck dude?” look. It takes 3 or 4 attempts to successfully get it lit. He makes the comment, “Man this is gonna fuck me up!” Once lit, this guy holds the otherwise manly item like it’s made out of glass. Jesus dude, grow a pair. He will painstakingly take down half the cig before throwing it to the ground like he’s Brad Pitt from Fight Club. God, what a waste.

The Extra Drunk Sweaty Guy

This guy is a must for band parties. He is usually overweight. He also more than likely pregamed with whiskey and went straight to the bar for a double when he made his jolly appearance. It’s almost like Santa walked in. Everyone loves this guy. Not because he is awesome, but because he will provide guaranteed entertainment for the rest of the night. Sweat will pour from every inch of his body soaking his clothes. He will push and shove his way to the front of the stage, mowing over dainty freshman girls, just to put his boot up. It looks something like this. He has one foot on the stage with his elbow on his knee. The other hand is holding his double whiskey and coke, usually with a napkin wrapped around it. This free arm is also used to wipe the unbelievable amounts of sweat pouring from his head. His main move is the fist pump. He knows every word to every song and sings as loud as he can. He probably thinks he is friends with the band members, and hasn’t missed a show in 4 years. Man this guy is important. He will be the last to leave, and will more than likely be the annoying guy when you get back from the bar that wants to take shots.

The Shot Buyer

So you are low on funds, and are forced to buy two dollar PBRs all night. That is unless, you find the shot buyer. This guy is always from an extremely wealthy family. And his Dad thought it would be a good idea to give his retard son a credit card. Your plan of attack should be to stay within a ten feet of this guy at all times. When you hear the words, “Who wants a shot?”, pounce. He’s probably really fucked up and wont remember buying you 3 SoCo and Limes, 2 Doubles, and if you’re lucky, some Patron. Just laugh while this kid’s father pays for the majority of your bar tab.

God I love the bars.

The Writers- "New Staff"

Hello all,

I would like to let you know we have three new writers to Tennessee Before Daylight:

-"5th Year Senior": This writer will blog about everything college, especially the latter years.
-"I love my girlfriend": This writer will blog about whatever he sees fit, especially regarding girlfriends.
-"Whiskey Dick": I will smack you with this

Recent College Grad- "They're coming to your city"

So it's a thursday night and all your buddies who are still in college call you up. Of course it's not friday yet, but when you're friends tell you a classic 80's band is in town you suddenly find it hard to resist such a solid time. Okay it's not a big deal, just set three alarms, go home by 1:00am, and drink some water. So much for that idea. After listening to these cats, the recent college grad was 3 hours late to work and very dis-oriented. Lesson learned. But let's go back to the good stuff. If you go to school in the southeast you are bound to see this group. This group of guys in their late 40's (who look around 25) are known by many college students as the Pygmies. And they have made many freshmen dreams come true. Let me explain. Every fall a week comes around called, "rush week" and part of rush week includes the monday night when every freshmen sorority girl gets to go out for the first time. The "pygmies" are always playing somewhere on that special night. I have not only experienced the rush of being at an 80's band party when a freshmen, but I have also gotten to observe other freshmen sucking face while listening the Summer of 69. My first experience with the pygmies was my freshmen year. I was highly intoxicated and they were playing their opener, Nothing But a Good Time. And that is exactly what I was having. The lead singers always threw out condoms to get things moving, but 5 years later they have gotten a little more up front. This past week I decided to make an appearance. I know pretty pathetic, but what else can you do living in a college town as a graduate. Instead of handing out condoms, they were pointing people out in the crowd and saying, "Hey girl, are you having *** with him tonight!" WOA. Now these freshmen don't even have to try. Lucky....

Either way if you see these guys on the billboard for your post-game band party I would make an appearance.

Management Trainee- "Hey Peter..."

Haha. Very Nice. Wikipedia has a page on TPS reports. Quick piece of advice for those about to enter the working world: you are banned from several websites. Especially one like facebook. Which really sucks...but wikipedia has become my new fix while at the office. There are only a few websites that the management trainees have access to, and this is one of them.

If you are ever bored on the internet, and have already looked through that freshmen girls spring break pictures, try checking wikipedia out. They have a page for everything. Another funny one that I ran across was titled, "Move Bitch" It is an entire article that explains the lyrics to a Ludacris favorite. An actual excerpt from the article reads, "Ludacris warns his on-lookers to stay out of his personal life or he will inflict pain upon them." Who the hell wrote that article? "HOLD ON DAWG Im almost done with this wikipedia article?!

Either way TPS report is not just something from the cult classic Office Space. It is an actual report. Being entry-level we can feel the pain of having more than 1 person who likes to "keep up with your daily activities."

Recent College Grad- "Throw Away Your Skateboard"

The simple fact of the matter is: skateboarding is for high school/middle shoolers and even then it is still pretty terrible. I can promise you that if you skateboard on campus 99.9% of the other students will consider you annoying and an overall tool-bag. Personally I can't help but automatically think, "Gosh you f-ing loser." Think about how in-convienant a skateboard actually is. #1) You have to carry it, which is probably worse than riding it....I can't think of many things more embarrasing...I think I would rather shit myself. #2) There is the chance that you will trip and injure yourself, which when doing so will make everyone else very happy, and leaves you with a bloody/bruised face. #3) imagine telling people that you got injured skateboarding. Here is how the dialogue would play out, "Yea so I got injured skateboarding, but it was EXTREME!" Your responder would: a) laugh at you, b) start telling everyone else how terrible you are, and c) probably never speak to you again. But who cares right! Wrong. One time I was sitting in class and through the window pane I could hear and see a crowd of miserable people skateboarding "for fun", quick side note: if you want to move fast/be extreme go skiing or ride a rollercoaster. The entire class was in laughter...at you. Little did these wanna-be losers know that they were being made fun of because of their "EXTREME!" attitude. Bottom-line, unless you are Tony Hawk and you gain capital for this ability, take up a new hobby. Trust me you're skateboarding park will soon be closed becuase the International House needs additional parking.

Tennessean- "Education Eyesore"

Every city has it's "liberal arts" associates school but I feel that Knoxville has won this years "education eyesore" award. Qualifications for the award include (but is not limited to):

1.) Joke

2.) Ridiculous website (PLEASE see below)

3.) Shitty campus. (should go w/o saying due to the location being in knoxville.)

4.) Terrible Logo---try to read picture carefully

5.) Student Body

**I have to note: good for these people and their attempt at gaining an education. I CANNOT RIP ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. We all a dream, but one man's dream is anothers nightmare. Its one step closer to getting out of the gutter.

Here is some evidence supporting the qualifications for "KC" earning the award this year.

2.) Their website. For the love of pete...If they pay me $5.00 a month a will make them a better website. Enjoy...but don't plan on getting very far...most pages are blocked due to "privacy setting" a.k.a. not even enough money to make a page...unforgivable.

website: http://www.knoxvillecollege.edu/

3.) Shitty Campus: Due to technical difficulties I cannot upload the image...but I accidently thought their "activities building" was the campus building for planned parenthood.

4.) In case you cannot read in the picture the logo reads: Let there be light. ?? What? Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think Knox College has the credibility to rock that. Here are some other logos I would offer Knox college to use.

a.) "Knoxville College, Somebody owes you an apology." "Knoxville College, visit us @ wwww.ruinyourlife.com" "Knox College, sorry we don't have electricity" "Knox College, try not to cry when you wake up in the morning."

**Disclaimer: for any of you attending Knox College I am not trying to piss in your cherrios.

Who will win next year? Can Nashville College give them a run? Yea?!....not a chance.

The Writers- "Out-of-Office"

Hello all,

The writers will be on vacation from thurs 04/16- to 4/20 and will not be writing.

Thankyou

Management Trainee- "Making the Most of Your Lunch Break"

Its going to be nice to one day work a job where someone doesn't tell you when to go to lunch like you're a fucking ape. I thought about this during episode 2 of East Bound and Down where Kenny Powers quits his job at Ashley Shaffer BMW because he is being bossed around. Now I know its a tv show and all...but Kenny Powers has a point. None of us should be working a job where we are told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. Unfortunatley in the wonderful world of entry level employment you are forced to deal with a ton of people who like to feel powerful because they were given something called "responsibility." More than likely if you are working a job right out of college you will probably have some sort of manager in your life...who will ultimatley decide when you get to eat food. Normally your lunch break will last somewhere between 60-90 minutes. That is 60-90 minutes out of a 24 hour day to "enjoy" a break during the workday. It is CRUCIAL that you make the most of this.

As someone with plenty of work experience I am going to give you FOUR paths to take. For each path I will give you the pro's and the con's.

Path 1- Errands Day
Pro's- get alot of shit done. Activities include; going to the bank, haircut, dry cleaners, grocery store, or needing to meet with someone who you can't meet with outside of business hours
Con's- usually have to eat on-the-run, no tv time, using your only stress-free time of the day for more stressful activities.
**I would try not to do this one.

Path 2- Live the Dream Lunch
Pro's- awesome lunch, use the entire time to relax, possibly take off the shirt/tie and kick back, maybe watch a little showtime softcore...
Con's- have to eat something quick, feel extremley tired after lunch break is over, very hard to stay focused and awake once back at work.

Path 3- Give- Take Lunch Break
Pro's- time to eat a good meal, watch a good portion of sportscenter, take care of few personal things
Con's- lunch break goes by VERY VERY quickly and overall you do not feel as relaxed as you could if choosing path 3.

Path 4- Out for Lunch
Pro's- probably going to be a great lunch, good time to hang out with friends and co-workers, overall good feeling...shit everyone likes going out to eat.
Con's- waste of money, time flys by, possible chances of spilage on your business wear.

Overall I would try to spread these paths evenly throughout your week. I like to save my path 4 for friday afternoons...seems to be a great way to start the weekend. Quick warning- do not do path 2 on monday. Use monday to go ahead and get shit done so you can chillax the rest of the week.

Recent College Grad- "Make Your List, Possibly Check Twice"

Its that time of the year, and for some of you I am starting to feel very sorry. Its time to graduate. In a very short month many of you will be taking your leap from college-madness to adult-awfulness. I'm just kidding...but not completley. It will nice to not have to study anymore...but I think thats the only thing you are going to miss. I would gladly take 3 math tests than listen to an alarm go off for work. I can't even tell you the murderous thoughts that go through my head when I hear my alarm sound. Let's just say I start everyday thinking about somebody Im going to hurt or the next time I will be able to shut my eyes. Randomly I do think about quitting my job and post ad's on craiglist all day. Either way with graduation on the horizon it is time to MAKE A LIST of things you need to do before leaving your college town only to return for gameday. It's a sad thought, but its reality. So make the BEST of this last month. To make this easier on you I decided to formulate a list of things to do before graduating so that when you hit the road in a month or so you will know you did the right things. These do not have to be completed in any particular order, but they do need to be completed.

The Grad's Master List:

1.) Eat a great meal at your favorite college town eatery. Substitution: Eat your favorite late night.

2.) Throw a party. I would recommend making it a shit-kicker, but a solid pre-game will do. Either way the party needs to include draft beer. Throwing a party is an essential move before you pack your things. It leaves a great memory for those wanting to one day become you.

3.) Call a girl you hooked up with freshmen year. And I don't mean call them up for lunch. Call her up, meet up, make small talk, make necessary promises of commitment, and head for pound-town.

4.) Stop going to classes that do not matter. I'm not telling you to screw up your graduation date, just stop going to weightlifiting.

5.) At least one week leading up to graduation you need to drink for 7 days in a row. That doesn't mean aggressive drinking. But a sample schedule could be:

Sunday- Day Drinking/Grilling, Monday- Drinking, stop by a few bars. Tuesday- Day Drinking-Nap-Drinking games related to N64 such as Mario Kart, Wed- messed up, Thurs- Messed up, Friday-balls to the wall, Sat-messed up.

6.) Do something you always told yourself you would do before college ended. Everyone has their own dream so pursue your own. My was pursued, and I hope I never run into her again.

7.) Invite some random people to your graduation. Odds are they will not show up, but they will probably send you a gift. If they do show up you are looking at an akward situation for you and your family

8.) Over-Draft your bank account. If this doesnt happen you are not going at it hard enough

9.) Meet a girl, who is absolutley COMPLETLEY random, meaning you do not know who the hell she is. Do something crazy, be safe, rock n'roll.

10.) Freshmen night. Simple procedure; act like a freshmen, dress like a freshmen, drink like a freshmen, and hang out with freshmen. This might sound insane, but its hard to describe the emotion that will follow.

Have a great time, and welcome to college graduation.

Tennessean- "Our Doors Are Open"

Now I'v seen some real piece of shit establishments before in K-Town...but this sad display possibly earned its' way into a new category of terrible. Before reading anymore just get a nice long look at this photo. I feel bad for calling their "business" sad and pathetic but who in their right mind puts a sign like that on a building?

What was their checklist when they decided on how to advertise their grand opening.

-Dirty Sheet: Check

-Possible Urine Stain: Pending

-Shitty Writing: Check

-Professionalism: X

-Comforting: X

Haha. Okay enough. Instead of going inside of this "thrift store" I decided to quickly take a picture of the building along with a couple of patrons. But I was left to wonder,(A) "what items are they actually selling out of this place?", (B) "does it smell worse than g-will?", (C) "I wonder what the owner looks like?", (D) "Is this really happening?"

To set myself at ease I decided to make an educated guess for my questions. Here were my answers:

A- clothing, broken household items, glass cats, furniture that is un-suitable for a homeless person

B- probably, but its going to be a familiar scent

C- I'd like to assume its the people walking in.

D- Yes

Before closing I want to add one thing: I do have respect for the person running the shanty station for trying to earn money instead of waste tax dollars. However I do find their place of business hilarious and ridiculous.

Management Trainee- "Get Plenty of Sleep Before Training"

Its the first of the month and you are getting your outlook together so you can start scheduling meetings with your clients. "YES!"...wrong answer...its more like looking at a spreadsheet of the date and time someone is going to take a dump on your face. In the midst of scheduling these calls you get an appointment from your human resources director...could it be...no it's too earlier...HOLY SHIT TRAINING! It is safe to say that most of the time the word "training" entails that you will going through a shitty experience. Think about it: training to be a server=nightmare, training someone to be a server=awful, training wheels=embarrasing...my point: training usually involves you feeling dumb and akward. Have no worries...corporate training is the opposite. Training in the corporate world usually means one thing: getting super-hammered because all you have to do is show-up to work and "actively" participate. Also think about how conducive the training room is for a hangover: dim lights, endless amounts of free water, "breaks" to use the bathroom, usually office lunch, and if you're lucky you will get a time called "brainstorming" where you get to write down your ideas. Instead of brainstorming you can sit there with your pen, paper, and water with a introspective look on your face when you are really thinking, "I don't remember taco bell", "i can't believe I told that girl she was beautiful via text." "If I had to marry one girl from a movie would it be drew barrymore from wedding singer or eva mendez from Hitch", "people who drink starbuks (spelled wrong on purpose) f-ing suck."
Overall I think you will find that your business training sessions end up being a relaxing and some what enjoyable experience. Plus, most people in the room are probably hungover too unless they are super ambitious about their career and in that case Im glad they weren't at the same bar as I was.

So when your HR manager tells you to get plenty of sleep before training...just remember what the trainee told you. You're HR manager is planning on drinking that night too.