Law School Drop-Out - "Airplane Etiquette"

Sometime in the last decade, everyone has probably been on a plane. It's become pretty common for people to be on planes, to fly around to their incredibly awful family reunions, and to go see their favorite sports teams while completely and utterly inebriated. With this said, and knowing that a good portion of people are familiar with the idea of flying...why the hell do people still feign stupidity about airplane etiquette? I'm about to drop some knowledge on airplane etiquette; sit down, fasten your seatbelt, and stop playing with the fucking air blower above your head....

1. DO NOT FART ON A PLANE.
I know it's funny to hotbox your friends in a car. Let's be honest, the idea of seeing your friends gag and gasp all in one motion is priceless and can rarely be repeated by any other pranks. HOWEVER, on a plane, for you morons who think this is acceptable, the AIR IS RECIRCULATED. Which means the awfulness of that Taco Bell you had at 4am is going to remain on the plane for a long, long, long time. And that hot chick at the front of the plane (that you keep creepin' on from your back-row seat) is also going to get a front row ticket to the shit-infused body spray you just unleashed. Plane's suck, they're cramped and stuffy. Don't make it more unbearable than it already is.

2. DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DISEMBARKING THE AIRCRAFT
Ok, as the plane has just landed and bounced around like a 2-year old on a trampoline, everyone has the same thought: "Did anyone care that my phone was turned off?" The answer, in most cases: "No, just mom." But in the rare instance that someone called you to freak out about that badass replay on Sportscenter, don't call them back right that moment. One, you know this damn plane is about to pull up to the gate, where as soon as the "Fasten Seatbelt" light goes off, everyone's going to stand-up and try to pull their luggage from the top, including yourself. Second, when you do that, you're going to end up trying to pull your baggage from that cramped little space with one hand, and its going to swing down and hit some unsuspecting woman in the face, causing a problem much larger than the fact that you haven't seen Tiger's latest heroic feat. And finally, as everyone is attempting to flee the plane because you just dropped a Hiroshima-size gastric bomb, you're taking FOREVER to get out of your seat because you're still attached to your phone. Save the rest of us the trouble and just tell your friend/lover/partner that you'll call them back when you flee the scene of the crime.

PRE/POST PLANE ETIQUETTE
1. BOARDING TIME!
Guess what, the plane isn't leaving until everyone on the bridge is in the plane. So sprinting to the ticket counter and cramming your boarding pass down the attendant's throat doesn't win you a prize. Take your damn time and allow the sweet old lady with the walker to get to her seat. That plane isn't leaving any sooner because you won the "First to your seat" contest that you and the other 5 douchers were playing.

2. BAGGAGE PICK-UP
We all know what it is that I'm about to talk about. Ya know that ramp, where the bags come down and then go onto the carousel? Well guess what...it doesn't eat your luggage if you don't get there fast enough. In fact, it probably just sends your baggage around over, and over, and over again until you decide its time to actually grab it. So rushing to the front of the carousel, boxing out the 5-year old, and making sure to touch EVERYONE ELSE'S LUGGAGE to check to see if it's yours, isn't really necessary or called for. For the record, if you take your sweet time, walk like, oh, i don't know, 5 FEET to the side, you're only gonna lose maybe 10 seconds of your life that you had before. I know time is money, but 10 seconds can't even buy fries on the Value Menu.

Next time you're at the airport/on the airplane, try to remember these little tidbits as you read through the SkyMall magazine. Oh, and the $50 antlers that you can buy for your truck, they're awesome, buy them.