Tennessee Before Daylight

Tennessee Before Daylight Has Moved

2010-05-13T15:57:00.002-05:00

Tennessee Before Daylight has moved! The new address is:

www.tndb.wordpress.com

Check it out for new content.

Recent College Grad- "Worst part of the year"

2009-08-23T16:38:00.003-05:00

Whenever people talk about certain times of the year it is usually always positive. For example, "I love Christmas time" or "Summer kicks ass". Since being graduated summer took a turn for the worse. While everybody is out at the pool getting drunk I am sitting at work thinking of ways to become rich without working. I thought summertime was depressing but I'm hear to tell you that "College is back in school time" really f**** sucks. Next year I will know not to get on facebook during this time of the year. For the past two weeks I have had to see status updates that basically read, "Mike is: partying my fucking balls off!" or "Christie is: getting wasted tonight and making bad decisions!" While lucky freshmen are learning the tricks of escaping the dorm halls I am crying myself to sleep.

*Top five things I miss the most about college*

1.) Dorm rooms; living within 2 seconds of 3,000 other people your own age. Enough said

2.) Themed parties; giving girls any excuse to dress skankalicious. ex) "golf pros and tennis hoes"

3.) Cafeteria food; as much as you want, anytime.

4.) Naps; they don't exist in the working world.

5.) Morning after lunch after a huge party where crazy shit happened; a priceless activity where friendships are built.

Recent College Grad- "Watch out Wii"

2009-08-20T11:49:00.002-05:00

Due to current employment conditions I am forced to spend a good portion of my day with my xbox. However I am very excited about the recent announcement from Microsoft.

**Here is the link for the announcement from Microsoft**

http://news.cnet.com/8301-10797_3-10253892-235.html?tag=mncol;txt

Tennessean- "Late Arrival for Tennessee"

2009-08-17T14:11:00.002-05:00

Just when I thought rap music couldn't get any worse.....

I can't wait to see the next rap song they make off of an emo tune. Now some of the worst people can join hands under one song.

Management Trainee-"Water Cooler Convo's"

2009-07-31T09:55:00.005-05:00

You're thirsty. However you are not thirsty for water, you're thirsty to talk shit with a fellow co-worker. I have noticed a trend since working in a corporate setting; the water cooler hears more trash talk than anyone else in the office. You're probably thinking, "No that's not true, I just go over there and drink 1 or 100 cups of water 3-4 times a day." Think about your topic of conversation with fellow co-workers. It probably starts off, "Yeah so you're kid is in school...okay...yeah...my weekend was fun...." Eventually it turns into, "So did you hear Frank is cheating on his wife?...I know what a scumbag!....Hey, you didn't hear it from me!....Oh I would def f*** Frank's wife."

A prime example was THIS MORNING at MY office. A referral came by and dropped off doughnuts for everybody (which was huge...) and the doughnuts were centered around the water cooler. As soon as one of my co-workers walked away we started talking about her. It was not anything to intense. The conversation centered around how we would do ridiculous things to her if she wasn't engaged to some douche twice her age.

The water cooler is also A GREAT WAY to spit game at a co-worker you're interested in. You could start by getting her a cup of water and using some cheesy pick-up like, "Can I plug my Firewire into your USB?" or maybe, "Do you come here often?" You will either look like a complete loser (prob. if you use the USB reference) or you will come off with some charm.

I challenge you to start paying attention to your water cooler conversation material. A quick hint of advice: Don't walk away from the water cooler with others still talking....they will probably switch conversation to you.

Great ways to become a water cooler badass:

-Talk about other people

-Invite people to the water cooler with you (that way when you come into the break room you have a posse). Make sure you are better than the people you invite along.

-Bring your own cup for water (some cup that has your favorite sports team on it or some phrase like, "Don't hassle me I'm local")

-Drop a business card at a girl's desk that says, "Me, you, water cooler 2:30pm- Be there."

It's all about taking care of business

I Love My Girlfriend - "EBay Item Of The Week - Pet or Child Casket"

2009-07-30T02:41:00.006-05:00

You're going to have to click on the picture to FULLY appreciate this Ebay item of the week...

Get a good look? Alright, great. Now please tell this doesn't creep you out a little! Ebay actually devotes a whole section to funeral stuff...wow! It's pretty sick the world we live in now that we can try to outbid other people who just lost a loved one for a sweet deal on a shiny, new casket!

Alright, get grab another close look at the picture and we'll go over some of the details below...

RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

-79 freaking views?! Really? Who the hell are you people?!

-Does the plastic doll in the casket with flowers NOT bother anybody else?

-If anybody can translate...please help! It gives me a head ache trying to piece together this mess... I personally like how they spelled 'dirty'.

"UP a Pet or Child Coffin is a Doll in the Coffin . and was only used for show . Fiber glass it green white in side I dont know what it is it is not durty at all and no scaches on the casket it is about 3 foot long 2 1/2wide "

-If you are expecting a pet OR child death soon, you better hurry because bidding ends in 4 days and you sure as hell don't want to miss out on this deal!

-Shipping takes 4-11 days??? Does anybody else see something wrong with that?

I Love My Girlfriend - Top Google Searches - Why do white/black people..."

2009-07-28T23:17:00.004-05:00

Wow, this is good stuff. I can actually imagine millions of white and black people doing a Google Search about the others. I know that I usually answer the actual Google Searches...but I'm going to steer clear of that this time around for obvious reasons. However, I will name my favorite for both searches.

-Why do white people...smell like wet dogs when they come out of the rain?

-Why do black people...have nappy hair?

Feel free to use the comments section to answer some of these questions...play nice!

Whiskey Dick- "Tennessee Ernie Ford- This Kid"

2009-07-27T14:15:00.004-05:00

I ususally don't post videos like this one, but this is priceless. It might of been the whiskey in my drink or just the fact that the kid sitting to the right of Ernie Ford rocks out hard to this song, either way this video killed me. Obviously the kid is hilarious but the look on Ernie Fords face is great. Tennesssee Ernie Ford, being from Tennessee, made this video acceptable to post and paints a perfect picture of the good ole days and the great ole oldies.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Where A Kid Can Be A...GREMLIN"

2009-07-23T13:24:00.011-05:00

Unreal...that's the first word that comes to my mind after my visit to Chuck E. Cheese's yesterday. I went with my mom and two little cousins ages 8 and 6 for their birthday. It had been F-O-R-E-V-E-R since I had last been there and wow, have things changed! What once was so awesome as a kid is now a living nightmare.

I'll admit, I was pretty pumped when we pulled into the parking lot. I had my cousins shaking in excitement for the ensuing entertainment. We got inside after the 16 year old and zit-faced "bouncer" stamped our hands and lifted the red velvet rope. In no less than 5 seconds my cousins were lost amongst the rest of the running and screaming gremlins. No worries though, we knew they'd come back and find us...they had no tokens. My mom went to the counter to purchase one of their 'combo packs' that included a pizza, drinks, and tokens. I casually asked the miserable looking "bouncer" if it was happy hour yet. I guess he didn't get the joke as he replied, "Every hour is a happy hour here at Chuck E. Cheese's!"

My mom and I set up base at one of the tables in the most quiet part of the building...which didn't really exist. A quick look around of the place gave me a pretty good laugh. Parents sitting at other tables looked on the verge of suicide. As soon as I got the tokens, my cousins reappeared. They were already sweating and had about 50 tickets in their hands somehow. Either way, I fearlessly lead them into the mayhem.

Just try to imagine this. At least 100 kids with no parents buzzing around your knees as you attempt to walk. These kids are sweating profusely and running around with pizza and sodas in their hands while screaming like a banshee. I'm talking about crazed kids leaving their sweat and grease stains on everything they touch like a slug. It's hard to think because of the high-pitched squealing. These little terrors are crashing into my legs, falling over slightly stunned from the impact, and then back on their feet like nothing happened. It was quite a scene.

There was one point at Chuck E Cheese's where I realized what the place really was...a casino for kids. There were games that resembled actual casino games that you played to win tickets. I could already tell which of my cousins was going to be the gambling addict. I'd give him two tokens at a time and he would be back in 30 seconds for more and only 2 tickets to show for it. I made him take a lap in the "sky tubes" to slow down his token intake.

The highlight of the experience was one dad would had the right idea on how to enjoy himself at Chuck E. Cheese's. Luckily, the joint sells beer to miserable parents. This one dad who looked extremely miserable when I had just walked in was having the time of his life when we were getting ready to leave. He fit right in with the kids after a while of boozing pretty hardcore. From showing his kids how to cheat in skee ball to playing in the ball pit, the man was in his element. Needless to say, his wife was pretty upset with him when they were asked to leave. But wow, what a pioneer and idol for all to witness.

All in all, not too bad of a day at ole Chuck E. Cheese's. That damn rat/koala/mouse/whatever the hell it is sure does know how to entertain the little gremlins.

5th Year Senior- "Chris Brown Apologizes"

2009-07-22T23:50:00.002-05:00

Give me a break! Chris Brown has been through a lot for beating up Rihanna, and rightfully so. You've tried to live your life to make people around you proud? So this is something that you have to keep in control? No sympathy whatsoever. Go back to making shitty music and keep your mouth shut. You got off easy. You should have served jail time, like everyone who engages in domestic violence. Hopefully this all will end up hurting his career as there is no excuse for what occurred.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Landon Donovan Look-Alike"

2009-07-22T15:42:00.007-05:00

US Soccer dropped a pretty dissappointing loss to Brazil last month in the Confederations Cup in South Africa. I've never really played soccer before but I can't help but watch and cheer on the US soccer team. It's been in the back of my mind for a while now but I couldn't help but notice that Landon Donovan looks just like Vegeta from Dragon Ball Z. Maybe it's the receeding hairline...I don't know but they look pretty much alike. Your thoughts?

Law School Drop-Out - "Airplane Etiquette"

2009-07-22T10:36:00.002-05:00

Sometime in the last decade, everyone has probably been on a plane. It's become pretty common for people to be on planes, to fly around to their incredibly awful family reunions, and to go see their favorite sports teams while completely and utterly inebriated. With this said, and knowing that a good portion of people are familiar with the idea of flying...why the hell do people still feign stupidity about airplane etiquette? I'm about to drop some knowledge on airplane etiquette; sit down, fasten your seatbelt, and stop playing with the fucking air blower above your head....

1. DO NOT FART ON A PLANE.
I know it's funny to hotbox your friends in a car. Let's be honest, the idea of seeing your friends gag and gasp all in one motion is priceless and can rarely be repeated by any other pranks. HOWEVER, on a plane, for you morons who think this is acceptable, the AIR IS RECIRCULATED. Which means the awfulness of that Taco Bell you had at 4am is going to remain on the plane for a long, long, long time. And that hot chick at the front of the plane (that you keep creepin' on from your back-row seat) is also going to get a front row ticket to the shit-infused body spray you just unleashed. Plane's suck, they're cramped and stuffy. Don't make it more unbearable than it already is.

2. DO NOT TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE WHILE DISEMBARKING THE AIRCRAFT
Ok, as the plane has just landed and bounced around like a 2-year old on a trampoline, everyone has the same thought: "Did anyone care that my phone was turned off?" The answer, in most cases: "No, just mom." But in the rare instance that someone called you freak out about that badass replay on Sportscenter, don't call them back right that moment. One, you know this damn plane is about to pull up to the gate, where as soon as the "Fasten Seatbelt" light goes off, everyone's going to stand-up and try to pull their luggage from the top, including yourself. Second, when you do that, you're going to end up trying to pull your baggage from that cramped little space with one hand, and its going to swing down and hit some unsuspecting woman in the face, causing a problem much larger than the fact that you haven't seen Tiger's latest heroic feat. And finally, as everyone is attempting to flee the plane because you just dropped a Hiroshima-size gastric bomb, you're taking FOREVER to get out of your seat because you're still attached to your phone. Save the rest of us the trouble and just tell your friend/lover/gay partner that you'll call them back when you flee the scene of the crime.

PRE/POST PLANE ETIQUETTE
1. BOARDING TIME!
Guess what, the plane isn't leaving until everyone on the bridge is in the plane. So sprinting to the ticket counter and cramming your boarding pass down the attendant's throat doesn't win you a prize. Take your damn time and allow the sweet old lady with the walker to get to her seat. That plane isn't leaving any sooner because you won the "First to your seat" contest that you and the other 5 douchers were playing.

2. BAGGAGE PICK-UP
We all know what it is that I'm about to talk about. Ya know that ramp, where the bags come down and then go onto the carousel? Well guess what...it doesn't eat your luggage if you don't get there fast enough. In fact, it probably just sends your baggage around over, and over, and over again until you decide its time to actually grab it. So rushing to the front of the carousel, boxing out the 5-year old, and making sure to touch EVERYONE ELSE'S LUGGAGE to check to see if it's yours, isn't really necessary or called for. For the record, if you take your sweet time, walk like, oh, i don't know, 5 FEET to the side, you're only gonna lose maybe 10 seconds of your life that you had before. I know time is money, but 10 seconds can't even buy fries on the Value Menu.

Next time you're at the airport/on the airplane, try to remember these little tidbits as you read through the SkyMall magazine. Oh, and the $50 antlers that you can buy for your truck, they're awesome, buy them.

Tennessean- "White Trash People Are Terrible"

2009-07-22T10:05:00.009-05:00

StuffWhiteTrashPeopleLike
Stuff White People Like
..Or Kind of Awesome. Either way I ran across this link while updating myself on "Stuff White People Like." Now many of you may not have heard about that webpage but it basically outlines different things that white people like and offer and explanation for each. It's pretty damn funny if you have the time to read it (which you do...) Either way the page I am talking about is; "Stuff White Trash People Like" (see link above).

One of my personal favorites:
#7- "Settlement Checks"-

'White people litigate. White trash people settle out of court.

At least once in each white trash person's life, his or her ship comes in. Be it a slip and fall at Wal-Mart or a food poisoning claim from Krystal, every white trash person in America will receive at least one large cash legal settlement. This payment is known in white trash circles as a "settlement check.'

There are not as many as "Stuff white people like"...but it is a working progress.

Props to folks over there for celebrating redneck culture.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why do I have..."

2009-07-22T00:54:00.005-05:00

Well, well, well. Looks like we are in for a treat this time around with the search query..."Why do I have..." I have no choice but to question these people who actually type these searches into Google. I guess if I was worried about my green poop or 4 nipples then I would consult Google before my friends. Google can't make fun of me when I ask dumb/weird/just wrong questions...not yet at least! Here we go!

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why do I have...

Why do I have green poop?

Woah! Attention green poopers! Your poop is probably green because you, believe it or not, actually ate something green. I know this may come as a shock to you but if you eat green shit then chances are your shit will be green, too.

Some guy on one site did care to share to the world that he "usually gets green poop after eating Lucky Charms" which makes them even more 'Magically Delicious' in my book.

Why do I have so much gas?

First of all, farts are still considered funny...so don't worry too much about it just yet. I'm going to assume that your diet it piss-poor and this could be the cause of your excessive gas. I'd look into more exercise, more fiber, more poops...if the poops are green, you now know what's up as well.

Why do I have no friends?

Easy! You are a pathetic L-O-S-E-R!!! Sorry pal, I didn't mean it...I'll be your friend! My advice to you is to take a good long look at yourself and try to figure out where the hell you went wrong.

Examples:
-Do you play endless hours of World of Warcrap?
-Do you possess more than 5 cats?
-Do you like to eat your own boogers?
-Do you have a lot of gas and green poop?

Hopefully, you get the point. Basically, you need to start from scratch and try to be more social with society. Join a church, group, club, or whatever! Just get out there and do something! I really don't want to see you on the news about to jump off a building/bridge, buddy.

Why do I have so much discharge?

I'm pretty sure I just puked in my mouth over this Google search question. What really bothers me is that there were soooooo many chicks that Googled this that it turned up on the top Google searches. That means that there are TONS of chicks crawling the streets with excessive discharge. Pretty disturbing huh? My advice to you ladies out there...please for the love of God get some help!

Why do I have dark circles under my eyes?

I'm going to take a stab at this question here and say that your tired. Get some sleep! If that's not the problem than try getting some more iron in your diet. Lastly, if those dark circles are actually 'black eyes' then you should either learn how to fight better or run faster.

Why do I have 4 nipples?

Woah, I don't know, you're about to have puppies?! I've never heard of this and I already feel sorry for you. Look into getting those two extra tits taken off ASAP! I sure as hell don't want to see you on the same beach as me any time soon. Your lucky that Google doesn't make fun of you, too.

Why do I have diarrhea?

You sir, I can imagine right now sitting at your computer frantically typing into the Google Search about your diarrhea problem while keeping your cornhole puckered up tight. Haha, thanks for the laugh at your expense! You probably ate something that didn't agree with you like Mexican food...or drank waaaay too much.

Why do I have nightmares?

Maybe you should cut out watching Friday the 13th or Halloween before you go to bed. It's just a thought... Besides that, I'm not too sure.

However, if your nightmares consist of you sitting at home with no friends, 4 nipples, green diarrhea, bad gas and discharge...then I'm going to recommend that you don't read this blog any more.

5th Year Senior- "Insane Stunt Driving"

2009-07-21T23:02:00.000-05:00

5th Year Senior- "The Art of Changing Church Marquees"

2009-07-21T17:49:00.009-05:00

Changing marquee signs is a delicate process. It starts with a drive-by to write down what the sign originally reads. Brainstorming ensues. You can only use the letters available. The more immature, the better. Putting the new phrase together takes timing. One man must be on Cop watch at all times. When you're done, stand back and admire your masterpiece.

5th Year Senior- "Greatest Freak Out Ever"

2009-07-21T15:39:00.003-05:00

Let's analyze this incredible video in chronological order:

-First, stop laughing, I know it's hard.
-Where does he muster up the vocal power to make those pterodactyl-like noises?
-While wrestling with his comforter, he pulls a David Blaine and makes his shirt disappear.
-He goes into the closet for approximately 1.5 seconds to blow off some steam.
-The Exorcist moves are stunning.
-There is a brief King Kong impression.
-At what point in an average person's freak out do they think, "I need to stick a remote up my ass"?
-After remote insertion, he begins to crash.
-Shoe to the head helps him accomplish this.
-A few more Exorcist movements capped off by a powerful left straight to the mattress.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Sprite Goes Bad"

2009-07-20T17:16:00.003-05:00

Wow, words can't begin to describe this banned Sprite ad in Germany. You'll understand... A little wrong and a "load" of Sprite!

I Love My Girlfriend - "Top Google Searches - Why..."

2009-07-20T00:00:00.013-05:00

Let's face it...Google knows EVERYTHING! Sometimes, it even knows what's on your mind even before you finish typing it out. With that being said, this is the first of many top Google searches that I'll cover. Not only will I question the intelligence of those who "Googled" these searches, but I'll even do the legwork and answer them. Here goes...

TOP GOOGLE SEARCHES: Why...

Why is the sky blue?

Ahhhh, the age old question when you were little. Surprisingly, this is probably the most legit question here.

If you were wondering...briefly...As light moves through the atmosphere, most colors pass through but blue is absorbed, radiated in different directions all around the sky. Whichever direction you look, some of this scattered blue light reaches you and since you see the blue light from everywhere overhead, the sky looks blue.

OOOOOOOK, moving right along...

Why do men have nipples?

Haha, who are these people who really want to know so much that they Google it? Personally, I think it would look awkward as hell if men DIDN'T have nipples. Turns out this is somewhat interesting...mostly because I didn't know/never really thought about it/didn't care to know. However, dudes have nips because EVERYBODY has the 'X' gene. (XX=Chick XY=Dude) Soooo, since everybody gets a 'X' gene there are going to be some same features like nipples.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

These jokes f-ing suck. To get to the other side...NEXT.

Why do cats purr?

Unfortunately, it seems that there are MANY creepy cat ladies in the world that are curious. Some trashy website says that it's "original function of purring was to let a kitten to communicate with his mother that things are well"...wow. What exactly do they mean by 'original function' anyway? Either way, I still hate cats.

Why do men cheat?

Wow...lots of women seem to be crying their eyes out over the keyboard for this question! I'm not touching this one.

Why did Chris Brown (with/beat up/feat) Rihanna

Two out of the three don't make any f-ing sense as a question. However, apparently TONS of people want to know why the hell Chris Brown (insert improper grammar here) Rihanna. Nobody knows yet...just like I don't get why anybody cares.

Why do dogs eat poop?

Probably because you don't feed them enough you idiot! It's either that or that you fed them something really really good and they wanted another go-around with it!?

Why did I get married?

I was really worried about this one...turns out it's the title of a shitty Tyler Perry movie. Or at least that's what most of the results in the search are...

5th Year Senior- "Top 10 iPhone Apps"

2009-07-19T18:53:00.020-05:00

I've been an iPhone addict going on 2 years. I've downloaded a ton of apps and kept the ones that I really liked. Here is my list of the Top 10.

Shazam

Imagine you're driving in your car and a song comes on the radio that you have to have. If you're lucky they will let you know the name of the song when it's over, but this isn't always the case. Whip out your phone, start Shazam, and within a few seconds your iPhone will tell you the artist, song name, and album. It even gives you the option of downloading it on iTunes right away.

Flight Control

Ever wanted to be an air traffic controller? Me neither, but this game will get you as close to the real thing as possible. Direct planes and helicopters onto the correct runways but make sure they don't crash!

Peggle

Peggle is an arcade game that is also very popular on XBox Live. Warning: this game is unbelievably addicting! Prepare to give up hours of your day. It is like an extreme form of The Price is Right game "Plinko".

Amateur Surgeon

This is a game by Comedy Central. The premise: You are a pizza delivery guy that has dreams of becoming a surgeon. You take it upon yourself to perform surgeries using you pizza making tools. Sounds really lame, but is actually quite fun.

Bank of America Mobile

If you are a Bank of America customer, this app is a must! It allows you to view your balance and complete transactions directly from your iPhone.

Color Splash

I'm not much of an artist, but this app makes me feel like one. Take pictures or use existing ones and turn them into pieces of art. Color Splash turns your photo black and white and allows you to choose which colors will show through. Very cool.

1 vs. 100

This is a mobile adaptation of the hit game show. There are 3 difficulty setting that will satisfy trivia amateurs and veterans alike. It includes a ton of questions so repeats are not really a problem. The only down side, no Bob Saget.

Tap Tap Revenge 2

If you love guitar hero, you will love Tap Tap Revenge 2. It allows you to do everything Guitar Hero will do using just your fingers. Play along with new and old hits and even compete online with other users.

Air Mouse

If you think you cannot possible get any lazier, Air Mouse will prove you wrong. This app lets you control your computer mouse and keyboard from your iPhone. So sit back on the couch, turn on the TV, set your laptop in front of you, and you're set for hours.

Yellow Pages Mobile

This app is a must have for all iPhone users. It allows you to search for businesses by genre or input an address directly. It will give you directions from your current location to your desired destination.

5th Year Senior- "Banned VW Commercial"

2009-07-19T14:33:00.002-05:00

Here is a banned VW commercial. It's not politically correct, but very effective:

The Writers- "Shout to J-F"

2009-07-17T17:05:00.001-05:00

As I was spending some time on Facebook today I ran across this video. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss The 90's Series - Slap Bracelets & Are You Afraid of The Dark?"

2009-07-17T15:38:00.011-05:00

Wow, slap bracelets...There's NO WAY that you will ever totally forget about slap bracelets. Girls wore about eight of these a time while guys had them just to play with them/slap each other. For some unknown reason there was just so much sweet satisfaction in slapping those damn things on your wrist. It should also be noted that these things NEVER came in just one plain color. It was always some atrocious animal print, mixed neon colors, or some metallic crap.

This 90's fad ended quick when some kids were getting cut from the cheap metal bracelet and schools quickly banned them...oh well, big loss there.

Now, please tell me you remember this treat of a show...

This was by far my favorite show from the 90's. And yes, it is OK to miss the 'Midnight Society' because they were something special... They had awesome stories that somehow managed to spook me at that age. They had that sweet "dust" that they always threw in the fire to make it flame up before annoucing the name of the tale. And lastly, yes, they had Elisha Cuthbert! You know, this Elisha Cuthbert...

Management Trainee- "Friday Video"

2009-07-17T10:12:00.003-05:00

I am most certainly working for the weekend right now. It's Friday and I have been on non-work related websites since I got in around 8. In about twenty minutes the guy who serves sandwiches out of his truck will show up on the corner. It's been a decent hungover Friday. I didn't have time to stop in to McD's this morning so the sandwich guy is my only hope. I'm going to try to get a picture so all of you can see. Basically this guy drives up in a truck with a heater/cooler attached to the back. He opens up his windows and people think he is f'ing Santa.

Here is a good video to remind you how awesome tonight's mayhem will be.

5th Year Senior- "Unknown Life Form"

2009-07-17T10:11:00.004-05:00

Browsing YouTube, I ran across this video of and unknown life form found in a North Carolina sewer. It's kind of scary, kind of gross, but impossible to take your eyes off of:

Whiskey Dick - "Recent Interviewing Experience"

2009-07-16T21:04:00.008-05:00

In order to further educate myself on the interviewing process, I accepted an interview with a marketing firm. I unintentionally degraded myself by accepting this interview because when I arrived at the firm I realized that the company was below the realm of eating shit off the bottom of Michael Moore’s strap on sandals.

As I walked into the two room office, I realized I was in the presence of a lack luster company just by examining the candidates anxiously awaiting their turn to interview. There were about 5 unfortunate looking individuals who were under dressed to even receive a position as a local trash man. Here's how it went down...

One hombre, not from this neck-of-the-woods, looked as if he just got off the construction site and threw on some of the best attire that he received through the “pass me downs” from his extended family. The problem wasn’t as much his choice of clothes, but specifically how he chose to wear them. It just seemed a little ridiculous to me that he would wear his black Jiffy Lube pants (which hung off his ass) with a button-up, untucked shirt hanging down to his knees. Even worse, the tie that he was wearing was not tied in a traditional sort, but rapped around his neck in a knot that resembles what drug dealers use to tie their nickel bags of pot when they sling it in the hood. After talking myself out of beating his ass, I began to redirected my attention to studying my notes and questions for the interview.

When they called my name I stepped into the office and began the interview process. Knowing I was going to decline the job if offered, I quickly asked the interviewer if they usually hired people that resembled what was sitting in the lobby with me. After a quick chuckle he muttered, “Usually only for janitorial positions.” We both laughed and he began his list of questions.

After nailing all his questions perfectly, I made a point to ask about compensation and benefits, but more specifically how much are they going to pay and about the payment plan. He described to me that the position that I was applying for was based solely on commission. I quickly interrupted him and declared that I was looking for a position with a base payment plan in order to budget my funds accordingly for the month. This comment frustrated him as he quickly combated, “Well buddy, in my experience the people who are not willing to work on a commission based salary are usually lazy people who are looking to cut corners in life and are afraid to work hard… ugh… I guess your just one of those people.”

If you know me, you know that I do not accept nor appreciate people who disrespect me. I looked him in the eye with a confident smirk on my face and replied, “Sir, I’m sure you have had a lot of experience interviewing people, such as the D-Squad sitting in the waiting room. With that being said, I am aware that I am your #1 candidate for this position and you know as well as I that I would work harder and contribute more to this company that anyone you have sitting out there. It is unfortunate that you do not trust the people you hire enough to pay them on a base salary. Honestly sir, It shows me how shitty the financial situation is within your company. On a last note, I want you to know that I am using this interview for practice purposes only and was in no way going to except this job from the beginning. Thanks for giving me some experience so that I may land a real job that interest me. Thank you for your time and your disrespectful comments, have a great rest of the day interviewing your future employees.”

He replied with a dumbfounded look, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” He then pointed towards the door, I stood up and walked out with a smile on my face and a interview under my belt.

5th Year Senior- "The Turtle Man"

2009-07-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

Being this blog is stationed in Tennessee, I figured it would be appropriate to post this classic redneck YouTube video that does not get enough attention:

Recent College Grad- "Dear...From Jason"

2009-07-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

------Dear Recent College Grad,

My name is Jason and I stumled across your blog when looking at groups on facebook. I saw that people have been writing you questions about what to expect in college. Im really excited man I think this is going to some of the best years ever! However I have alot of doubts about living in a dorm room with some dude I don't even know. How the hell is that supposed to work? Recently I got his telephone number and when I called his mom told me he wouldn't be back for another two weeks because he was teaching at a "theater camp". This makes me think that he is either a fag or a complete wierdo. I don't know man I'm just worried about this random guy screwing stuff up for me during my freshmen year. What do you think?

Jason---------------------

Dear Jason,

Jason, I am terribly sorry that your future roommate not only attends a "theater camp" but decided to actually be an ambassador for the field. Overall my experience with the dorm room was badass as hell. Now I did know my roommate but I have heard alot of dorm room success stories. I wouldn't worry about this potential loser hendering your freshmen experience. (If you're a winner, you will win) If he is into all of that theater/acting bullshit then he will probably be spending a substantial amount of time with other people who share his interest in acting/giving handjobs. On the good side this random roommate might bring some decent skirt back from one of their "try-outs" or whatever they do. Not all drama chicks are ugly, but most are pretty wierd. In the event that he brings some girls by the dorm room be ready to have your phantom of the opera dvd out on your desk and then act really bashful when they bring it up. You need to give off that "I'm alot cooler than this guy but I appreciate art" kind of vibe. Good luck with that. Overall Jason you should have a kickass time living in the dorms. Some of my highest and lowest points from college took place in a dorm hall. (hook up with girl vs. urinating in elevator) My advice on this issue: See what happens move-in day with the roommate and in the meantime prepare yourself physically/mentally for a grueling first week of college. Just remember to double-lock the doors when you are checking out the latest girls gone wild video.

I Love My Girlfriend - "A Fallen Hero"

2009-07-15T18:30:00.001-05:00

I know we try to keep the sad stuff to a minimum here...but this is just too great. If you ever wanted to know if patriotism is still alive and well in America today, well it's a resounding HELL YES!

IMPORTANT!!!
This video requires a brief story before viewing...

Staff Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was killed in action while protecting our freedom overseas. His body was flown to Peachtree City, GA, last month. From there, there was a long funeral procession to the funeral home in fallen soldier's hometown of McDonough, GA. A simple notice in the local newspapers the day before indicated the route of the procession and the approximate time. The following was filmed by one of the State Trooper escorts....

Law School Drop-Out - "Prank Proposal"

2009-07-15T14:31:00.000-05:00

So after coasting through the internet during another extremely productive at work, I came across this gem of a video. I recommend never doing this to a friend you'd like to keep for any significant period of time...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

5th Year Senior- "Top 5 Links of the Week"

2009-07-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

Here are my Top 5 Links of the Week:

-Stumble Upon

If you love surfing the internet as much as I do, Stumble Upon is a must. Enter your interests and Stumble Upon will find random websites that you will love.

-Pandora

Don't have your iPod, Pandora has you covered. This site plays random music that you like according to the genres you play the most.

-I Park Like An Idiot

Is there a car taking up two spots, parked 4 feet from the curb, or too far out of the spot? Does this piss you off? If yes, then you will love this website. You can buy a bumper sticker with "I Park Like An Idiot.com" on it, put it on one of these cars, and the owner can go to the website and see their awesome parking job.

-Erowid's Vault

This site gives you all the information you could possibly need on drugs, from lethal doses to side effects and everything in between.

-Spoiled Photos

How many pictures have you seen that have been ruined by some drunk guy in the background drooling on himself? This site has the best of the best.

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss the 90's Series - Salute Your Shorts & Stretch Armstong"

2009-07-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't miss Salute Your Shorts?! The only three names I remember from the damn show though were Ugg, Budnick, and of course...DonkeyLips. I still can't believe this show only made it two seasons...but wow, f-ing awesome show. I could still sing along to the opening theme song...not aloud, because that'd be gay.

Fucking right Stretch Armstrong!!! I had one and you probably did, too. Definitely one of those toys that was cooler to just have, rather than actually playing with it. If you were like me then you probably snapped an arm or leg off of the bastard. Who can blame you that you just wanted to see what his limits realllllly were??? Not all was lost, at least got to see what the hell was inside ole' Stretch! Check out the commercial from back in the day...

I Love My Girlfriend - "I F-ing Miss The 90's Series - The Wonder Years"

2009-07-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

I miss the shit out of 90's TV. Gone are the days of simple TV with simple plots and a simple traditional American family. Now, we have about 30 different shows based on crime, murders, gangs, and everything else bad in society. I was YouTubing it up last night and came across this gem of a video...and yes, I had to fight back tears.

Where Are They Now?!

Kevin Arnold AKA Fred Savage
-Graduated from Stanford University
-Member of SAE fraternity
-Last notable role in Austin Powers-Goldmember(As #3...with the mole)
-Married with two kids
-Directs shows such as It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
-Ranked #27 in VH1's list of the "100 Greatest Kid Stars"
-One of few kid stars that's not completely fucked up in the head.

Paul Pheiffer AKA Josh Saviano
-Never acted again
-Married with a daughter
-Graduated from Yale and works as an attorney in New York
-Rumor that he grew up to be Marilyn Manson (awesome but FALSE)
-His character inspired the creation of Milhouse, in the Simpsons

Winnie Cooper AKA Danica McKellar
-Currently hot as shit! DAMN!!!
-Graduated from UCLA in Math
-Member of ADPi sororiety
-Proved a new math theorem, the Chayes-McKellar-Winn Theorem
-Has published two math books
-Various acting roles such as The West Wing
-And lastly, has this AMAZING video that I found...ENJOY!

5th Year Senior- "UFC 100 Wrap Up"

2009-07-13T00:25:00.000-05:00

Like most males in the world, I had been looking forward to UFC 100 for months. They put together the best fight card imaginable for their 100th show. With this said, it was destined to disappoint. And that it did. With only one "good" fight the whole night, people were getting bored. I decided to sum it up for those who did not watch with the only two scenes worth watching.

The first was a fight between Dan Henderson and Michael Bisping. This was advertised as the U.S. vs. the U.K., also these fighters coached opposing teams on this season of "The Ultimate Figher". What started out as an average fight ended with one of the best knockouts I have ever seen. After the fight, Henderson was asked why he punched Bisping again after the first knockout punch. He replied with, "To shut him up":

Henderson vs. Bisping Fight

The main event of the evening was to decide the Heavyweight champion between Frank Mir and Brock Lesnar. I went into this fight rooting for Mir because of all the hype surrounding Lesnar. After the fight, I was glad I made this decision. Not only is Lesnar a roided out freak, he is a complete tool. This was the victory speech that he gave after the fight:

Lesnar Victory Speech

A classy speech coming from a classy guy. He has a family with kids who were undoubtedly watching this fight, not to mention the sportmanship he showed to Mir. Lesnar was later forced to appologize for what he said by Dana White:

Mir ended up loosing the fight because Brock used his behemoth body to lay on top of Mir in a very cheap/boring fashion. To make myself and other Mir fans feel better, here is the video of him breaking Tim Sylvia's arm:

Tennessean- "Kickass Kentucky"

2009-07-12T20:03:00.000-05:00

***Please click the picture for viewing purposes****

Just wanted to share this picture I took while driving through kentucky. As you can see Kentucky is one of the states where you are not required to wear a helmet. This cat is living the f'ing dream. It's not my dream but it sure seems to be his. You have to wonder what is going through his head. "Just me, my woman, and the open road."

I love you kentucky.

I Love My Girlfriend - "This Is Why I Fly Southwest..."

2009-07-11T01:24:00.000-05:00

Wish the was the standard protocol for every Southwest flight...

Management Trainee-"Would you rather..."

2009-07-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

Would you rather: Get kicked in the face repeatedly or...Drive this as your company car ?

Here is a true story for you. This is what the company car looks like if you are a proud geico CLAIMS representative. This is simply stunning. I was walking downtown today and saw this car parked in the front of the place myself and a co-worker were eating. It just so happened a very happy claims representative was getting in their car when we were in the parking lot. When we asked the lady about her car she responded, "It's just one of the perks..." Ha...It most certainly is. It is a huge perk for all of us who do not drive that car. It would be a different story if the car was used for promotions sake, but I'm afraid this baby gets to park in a driveway.

The one thing I have to note: Good for the rep for not having to pay car insurance or a monthly car note. Also: You have a giant gecko on your green car.

I almost asked the lady if I could borrow it so me and my friends could cruise broadway completely wasted. Unfortunatley you have to be in the geico circle of trust.

I Love My Girlfriend - "My First College Roomie"

2009-07-09T17:33:00.000-05:00

Well, on a lighter note, I'd thought I'd talk about my first college roomie...

As you can tell, my dear friend Sam is a winner. We were randomly selected to be roommates my freshman year. Sam and I got along very well though actually. We were both easy-going individuals that enjoyed staying up late and sleeping-in even later. I didn't see Sam a whole lot my first semester mostly because I was pledging a fraternity and he was sleeping/not going to class. We NEVER hung out besides in the dorm room. Fast forward to the end of semester uno, Sam informs me that he managed to earn a 0.00 GPA for the semester and that his mom was making him move back home. As "shocked" as I was I replied with, "No way man! I'm sure gonna miss you, dude!" It was then when he told me that he wanted to show me something...so he rolled out this huge piece of luggage with wheels and proceeded to open it. Personally, I've never seen so many different types of drugs in such quantities before in my life! He looked at me for a reaction and all I could muster up was a "what?!". He informed me that he was the biggest drug dealer on campus and asked if I wanted anything of his before he left....I took the osculating tower fan.

I Love My Girlfriend - "No + Hair = Nair"

2009-07-09T16:51:00.000-05:00

No, I've never used Nair on my body for any reason whatsoever...this isn't about me.

For those of you who aren't familiar with the product, Nair is a cream that removes hair from whatever region you decide to put it on...

Well my friends, I'm here to tell you a story about my poor aunt Sue.

My dear aunt Sue is a very sweet and loving lady that happens to be a little more than overweight. She is large enough for my mom to refer to her as "Sue-Mo", like a Sumo Wrestler. Well it just so happens that not too long ago that my dear aunt Sue-Mo was using the Nair product. She had already applied the cream to her legs when the phone rang...despite a strict disclaimer, she forgot all about the Nair on her legs and proceeded with the phone conversation. When she finally realized she left the Nair on her legs it was too late...she couldn't feel them. Her legs are functional, but just no feeling. After a few days passed she still couldn't feel her legs. She described the feeling as if when your leg "falls asleep" but never "wake up". Well presently, she has managed to break her ankle and mess up her knees because she couldn't walk correctly due to the loss of feeling in her legs. The doctors don't know what to do and she could be like this for the rest of her life...

Wow, sorry for the depressing story...

Moral of the story: Don't get huge and just use a razor.

Law School Drop-Out

2009-07-09T14:01:00.001-05:00

Thanks for the opportunity to spread my knowledge. I'm a Southerner trapped in an arctic, northern hell, and will be sharing with the faithful readers my views on northern culture.

Below is my first post. Enjoy, but beware of the Shmedium.

Introducing: The "Shmedium"

2009-07-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

In bars across America, a terrifying trend has become developing. It breeds on the screens of UFC fights, and migrates to every town in America. It has become such a staple that Affliction and Ed Hardy have made millions off of its migration. It's filled with too much testosterone. And it has become a disease on the world that needs to be addressed.

It's the Shmedium (sh-medium, n., Jersey descent).

The thing above is a prime example. His Armani Exchange shirt has purposely been left in the running dryer for what seems like 2 months. It is so small that it fails to cover up his weird ass bird tattoo on his 'roided arm. He has some sort of dog tag around his neck to symbolize the death of his respectability, and the girl he has in a choke hold is hoping death comes quickly. She's throwing the peace sign not as a symbol of her agreement with nuclear disarmament, but as in "I'm peacing out, this asshole just crushed my windpipe".

The Shmedium, to put it frankly, is a shirt that's just too fucking small. It's normally a graphic t-shirt with an obnoxious amount of words on it, and some sort of gothic, graveyard-like design on the front. It's worn by fat guys who think that going to the gym once every 2 months makes them big/strong/worthy of putting on a smaller shirt, and by guys who directly-inject protein into their veins (see above). They are easily spotted, as they travel in packs. In addition, there is a hierarchy to the Shmediums. The Alpha Shmedium tends to grunt a lot, and normally is so big he can't wipe his own ass (enter the Comfort Wipe). The Shmedium Minions follow aimlessly and laugh at Alpha Shmedium's jokes, hopelessly wishing they can one day by like Alpha Shmedium.

Don't confuse Shmediums with Guidos though. A Shmedium is a trend, a Guido is a disease that plagues the world.

Be on the lookout for this terrifying trend. Friends don't let friends be/wear/associate with shmediums.

The Writers- Comments

2009-07-08T23:15:00.000-05:00

Previously you needed to be a registered user to post comments from articles. This option is now open to all of our readers. Please feel free to comment.

5th Year Senior- "Top 5 Links of the Week"

2009-07-08T16:09:00.000-05:00

I've decided that my wasted hours upon hours of surfing the internet could be put to use. From this week on, I will update my Top 5 web finds of the week. This will occur every Wednesday so check back often to have your mind blown. Here are this week's in no particular order:

-My Heritage

If you've ever wondered which celebrities you resemble, this site will tell you. All you have to do is upload a picture of your face, and the site does the rest. Warning: go in with open mind seeing as a my white, male friends resembled such celebrities as Mr. Bean, Jamie Foxx, and Ashley Olsen.

- Top 10 Bands vs. Fans Moments

This is a Top 10 list of famous bands facing off against their fans/bouncers. Some of these are pretty intense. My personal favorite is Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age going off on a fan for throwing "shit" at him on stage: "I may have a fucking 102 temperature and been puking for three days, but I'll still butt fuck you in front of your friends".

-Wimp.com

You can search YouTube or CollegeHumor for hours to find some awesome videos, or you could go to Wimp.com where they only pick the best of the best.

-The Ultimate Guide to Calling Shotgun

Every guy has that one friend who takes calling shotgun to a new level. This site will settle all the arguments so you can show this retard what's up.

-99 Thing You Should Have Already Experienced on the Internet

This is a list, in no particular order, that if you have heard of YouTube, you really should have seen most of these videos. But just in case you were under a rock for a week, you can catch up on all your pop culture viral videos.

Come back to get next week's list!

Management Trainee-"A perfect video for those getting dumped on"

2009-07-07T21:07:00.001-05:00

Hey everybody,

I know it has a couple of weeks since I have written to you about life in the corporate world but trust me you're not missing anything. I did enjoy the recent paid holiday making it a three-day weekend but I am still feeling my hangover from the 4th.

Moving forward let me tell you about the video I have attached. My boss gave me an assignment on Monday morning that basically needed all management trainees to prepare a presentation outlining the "ways to build your career through leadership..." bla bla.... It does mean however that I will get a long day of training...and you know how much I enjoy that. I thought I would take the easy way out for the assignment and just google a few things and BING job well done.

During my search I ran across a training video labeled, "How to deal with a mean boss." I was pretty impressed. There was one step that advised the lower-level employee to make notice of unnecessary internet use. This one really hit home for me considering I spend at least 2-3 hours of my work day on "non-work related material". You can guess what that might be.

*It truly is incredible how "real-life" this video is.

Enjoy.

Recent College Grad- "Dear...From Michelle"

2009-07-07T20:53:00.000-05:00

--------Dear Recent College Grad,

I’m not sure if you are a good person to ask about this situation or not. I’m hoping you can guide me in the right direction. I am in pieces right now because my best girl told me she saw my boyfriend making out with some freshmen b**** at a party this past weekend! I couldn’t go to visit everybody because I was stuck working. So instead my boyfriend ends up throwing away a two year relationship for some gross freshmen girl! I asked my friend what she looked like but my friend said she couldn’t tell. Then it gets worse because I find out the girls name and look her up on facebook and she is some little whore who I recognize from church. I just don’t know what to do. I know I don’t deserve this. Should I stay with my boyfriend or say something to that b**** who f***** stuff up?

-Michelle----------------------------

Dear Michelle,

First and foremost; do not put “whore” and “church” in the same sentence. I consider myself to be a fairly vulgar writer but have serious anger issues. To be honest I do not think I am a good person to consult on the “why freshmen” situation. However I feel obliged to point you in a direction where I feel all parties involved win. For starters do not attack the freshmen girl. She is the real victim in this scenario. Think about it Michelle, “Why the freshmen?” Was it because she was so perfect? (Possibly…) Or was it because you have gotten to comfortable with your physical appearance? (quite possibly). I am not hinting to the fact that you are an unattractive girl, but you have apparently lost the edge that made your boyfriend pop wood. There is something to be said for hooking up with a true freshman but in most long-term relationships it is a rarity. Away from your appearance, how is your attitude? Most freshmen girls have that “ha ha…you’re cute” mentality. Where as lately your conversation at the bar has consisted of “we are not f**** tonight.” You need to have the “YES” mentality on anything from sex to making random deserts. (like cookies and other things he /his friends will enjoy). My advice would be arrange a time for your boyfriend to come over, and try that maneuver from varsity blues where she puts whipped cream over her privates. I know I could only dream of that kind of activity right now.

Recent College Grad- "Dear Recent College Grad---First Letter---Jeffrey

2009-07-01T16:44:00.001-05:00

---"Dear Recent College Grad,

I just graduated high school and I am so f**** pumped to go to college. I was just wondering if college is really going to be like everyone says it is. You know bitches, halo, getting f***** up, joining a frat. I hope this is exactly what college is like. I am the first one in my family to go to college so I don’t have an older brother to give me advice and shit. I did hear from some other kids at school that going to college is a lot like what happens in the movies. Is this true? What should I do to make sure I get enough action and get into a good frat?

Thanks dude, Jeffrey"----

Dear Jeffrey,

You need to get a hold of yourself. You fit the perfect profile for someone who is going to wet their pants (literally) while attending your first college keg event. I would be lying to you if I told you that part of college did not include women, drinking, and more. However it sounds to me like you are going about this the wrong way. There will also be a substantial amount of xbox played during normal daytime hours. In no way am I telling you not to go all out your first week of college (which you should). On the other hand you need to be careful and not create the image that you’re a loser (which I have feelings that you might be). The only difference in real college and “movie college” is that its the f***** MOVIES! Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn could do whatever they wanted in Old School because they didn’t risk getting kicked out of school. On the point of fraternities: They are very fun. Yet it is not an excuse for you to blackout and chase a sorority girl around the pledge mixer with jungle juice all over your face. I unfortunately have experience with this first-hand. My advice is for you to calm down, read a nudie magazine, and ease up dreams of becoming Van Wilder.

I Love My Girlfriend - "You Can't Spell BITCH Without I.T."

2009-06-30T12:21:00.000-05:00

This video is EXACTLY what I daydream about while working...

I Love My Girlfriend - "I Wipe My Own Ass!"

2009-06-30T00:02:00.001-05:00

I shit you not, I just saw this infomercial on TV.

There are so many things wrong with this...I don't know where to start.

My Observations:
-Americans are running out of invention ideas
-However, we have a stick that you can wipe your ass with now!
-For over 100 years we've been using toilet paper, what did we use before???
-This is the FIRST improvement to toilet paper since the 1880's!!! Hooray!!!
-Noticed how "easily" the T.P. drops off the stick...with a slightly violent shake.
-(T.P. = Archaic) VS (Stick + T.P. = Modern Solution?!)
-The "big guy" can't reach his asshole to wipe...super!
-Older lady(seems in perfect health) can't wipe her own ass without a T.P. stick?
-Shits will now take an additional 20 minutes to load and unload the Shit Stick.

In Conclusion:
Sadly enough, these "inventors" are probably on a fucking beach in paradise sipping on a Pina Colada laughing at how they got rich off a fucking stick to wipe the shit off your ass with. Unfortunately, this bullshit will probably be the next big hit of a gag gift or over-the-hill present on the market. I'm not wishing I invented the Shit Stick, just that I was on the fucking beach with drink in hand. FML

Recent College Grad- "Dear Recent College Grad..."

2009-06-29T16:44:00.001-05:00

Starting in the month of July we will have a new segment called, "Dear Recent College Grad..." where we take letters written by college students seeking advice from someone who graduated college that can offer advice on their situation. Don't expect any sappy letters. We will only be taking concerns based around; drinking, sex, social functions, prank techniques...etc. If you are a student in college and need advice on your troubling situation please email tennesseebeforedaylight@gmail.com For example you may be thinking, "Do I call the girl I slept with last night? Even if she is a 5-6?" There are some things you need help with to make the most out of your college years! Let the recent grad help you out.

Recent College Grad-"I'm a real steak and potatoes kind of guy!"

2009-06-28T17:44:00.000-05:00

Since it's sunday and it's 200 degrees outside I have elected to sit in my dark bedroom behind the computer looking at a number of old youtube videos. Examples include, "Numa Numa Guy" (which was a huge sensation when I was a freshmen in college) "I want the gold" ( people thinking they see a leprechaun) and many others. I ran across this video which is basically a compilation of terrible people interviewing for a date with a girl. It's great.

5th Year Senior- "Nick Swardson Does Coke"

2009-06-26T23:43:00.000-05:00

We love Nick Swardson from "Grandma's Boy" and as Terry from "Reno 911". I was recently watching his stand-up decided to look him up on YouTube. I found this amazing gem:

Recent College Grad- "Just Graduated?"

2009-06-23T16:03:00.001-05:00

Did you just graduate college recently?

If answering "yes" to this question- please continue reading. If answered "no"- go fuck yourself and enjoy your 50 cent beer night.

The other day it hit me like a ton of bricks, "holy shit I'm not in school anymore." The only comforting thing is that there are plenty other people going through the same experience. Unfortunately our symptoms of "post college depression" are pretty rough...but it seems they will get better over time. It's ridiculous how different the emotions are before and after college.

Before college: excited, anxious, aroused, eager, alive

After college: tired, sad, scared, anxious (needing medical attention), alone, cold.

I suppose there is something to be said for making money and buying your own things, but I would still rather live off my parents. I did feel better and worse after reading these articles. Better because now I know this is normal. Worse because man this is sad haha.

1.) "Recent College Grads are prone to anger and depression"

http://www.popsci.com/science-confirms-obvious/article/2008-05/recent-college-grads-are-prone-anger-and-depression

2.) "Post College Depression"

http://careerpeople.blogspot.com/2008/01/post-college-depression.html

3.) "Post College Symptoms"- HILARIOUS!!!!! (read down)

http://www.clickfornick.com/2007/08/post-college-blues.html

4.) Serious but...."New college graduates at risk for depression"

http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/05/14/new-college-graduates-at-risk-for-depression/2287.html

You have been warned! Now start finding ways to have fun...I'm going to suggest alcohol.

Management Trainee- "Hump Day Reading..."

2009-06-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

Ah...nothing like making my way over the proverbial hill of the week. It's all good from here. It really is true that once wednesday is over its all "down hill" from there. Tomorrow I will start making plans for stupid ways to spend my money. At my office wednesday also means a good day to catch-up on facebook, email some random people, and find cheap s*** on craigslist. Today I ran across something hilarious.

(it has a slow start but keep reading...)

These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are
things people have actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by
court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law

*Enjoy the rest of your useless week

I Love My Girlfriend - "ShamWow Guy In Jail"

2009-06-16T00:16:00.000-05:00

I always get a kick out of the late night infomercials. It's also better when you find out that one of them landed in jail because he hired a hooker, she bit his tongue, and he beat the shit out of her in return.

This video is a spoof of Vince, the ShamWow Guy, in jail trying to sale shit...courtesy of CollegeHumor.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Smokecock@yourexpense.com"

2009-06-15T23:47:00.000-05:00

If I ever get fired like poor Andrew here did...I might consider the same type of meltdown with similar creativity.

Problem: Now if someone commits arson at the ole boss's house...who's probably going down???

5th Year Senior- "Try and Keep a Straight Face"

2009-06-13T19:37:00.000-05:00

While watching this video, I challenge you to try and keep a straight face. This was taken at the comedy barn in Pigeon Forge, TN and it is effin hilarious. I wish one of my friends laughed like this:

5th Year Senior- "Bayside"

2009-06-13T11:54:00.001-05:00

Jimmy Fallon is supposedly trying to reunite the cast of Saved By The Bell...amazing. It would be every child's dream come true that grew up in the 90s. Here is a clip of the return of Zach Morris:

Tennessean- "CMA Music Festival-Pt.1"

2009-06-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

Yes folks it's that time of year in Nashville, TN. It is the CMA Musical Festival taking place downtown. There is a series of day activities such as artist signings and free concerts and then the big dogs of the country music industry perform at LP Field Thurs-Sunday Night. This is part 1 of 4 pictures that I will post for you documenting my CMA experience. Yesterday myself and a few friends decided to tailgate around 4:30pm for the opening night. The concert was set to start around 8:30 so we had plenty of time to get rowdy. At the time we started tailgating there is was no one in the parking lot. However we were some of the last people to get to the show. It's all good in the hood with reserved seats. Either way I want to tell you about our friend Herman. (pictured above)
Facts about Herman:
-Age: Unknown
-Occupation: Homeless Engineer
-Specialty: Can collection and re-distribution

Usually I find homeless people to be rude and aggressive. Herman was not only a gentlemen but someone who took his business serious. Take a look at his dress. He actually wears a collared shirt tucked in the kaki's. That's solid. I will continue to produce empty cans for herman.

More to come.

5th Year Senior- "Insane Stuntman"

2009-06-12T00:08:00.001-05:00

This guy is incredible:

Management Trainee- "Kick Me While I'm Down"

2009-06-10T09:15:00.001-05:00

The other day I was wondering around downtown dropping off some paperwork and accidently got lost in the kitchen of a hotel. Right before I saw this picture I was just thinking, "Wow, this hotel is badass." "Man the people working here look like they are having a blast." "Everyone working here is so friendly." Now I know why. This is just one of the "motivational" signs I found once I passed the "employee only" doorway. How insane is this? Just imagine you are part of the wait staff. You are having a great day and making some solid earnings to blow at the bar later. Suddenly you drop a plate and everyone gives you that look like you are an incompetent piece of garbage. You spend time cleaning up the mess like you're f**** cinderalla and then make your way to the kitchen. As soon as you go in the kitchen you see that sign (pictured above) hahaha. "Thanks for your clumsiness?" You're the reason our 4 star hotel just lost 30 cents YTD on square salad plates.
Carry plates correctly or they will find someone else who knows how to use their hands. No wonder the staff was so friendly. Who knows what happens if you spill someone's orange juice. "Attn Juan in service"...You can imagine.

5th Year Senior- "Beer and Porn"

2009-06-09T02:22:00.000-05:00

Here's a Bud Light commercial you won't see on TV:

I Love My Girlfriend - "Don't Taze Me Bro!"

2009-06-03T01:26:00.000-05:00

Seeing that I'm bored I figured that it would be decently entertaining to YouTube-it up for a little while. I eventually searched for 'tazing' and came up on this little gem of a video.

This dude is getting arrested for some bull-shit and for a while I'm thinking, "This dude knows his shit and probably didn't do anything wrong."

Turns out this guy is a little "different"...you'll see.

OK, now for some of my favorite quotes:
-You guys don't own me, I'm not your property!
-Do you have no compassion in your life?
-I am with peace with every man in the nation
-You're evil and the Queen says it's not to be!
-I am understanding less of what you're saying and I DO NOT speak your language.
-I belong to my Father in heaven and his name is....YAAAAAAWWWWWAAAAAAA(or something)
-It tis less that I turn my head and cough for you, I am a Jew.

The Writers- "June Guest Writer Opportunity"

2009-06-02T21:04:00.001-05:00

Hello everyone,

Starting this week and throughout the month of june we will be putting up an article every friday or saturday from one of our readers. If you have something interesting that you want our readers to take a look at please email: tennesseebeforedaylight@gmail.com and every week someone will be posted. You can use your actual name or you can make up and stay anonymous.

Thanks

Recent College Grad- "Dear Knoxville"

2009-06-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

Believe it or not it has finally come. The Recent College Grad is moving back to his hometown. It is sad to leave Knoxville after five long badass years but I am excited to report to you from middle Tennessee. In honor of my departure I have decided to write a mock letter to the city of Knoxville. (if Knoxville were a person).

Dear Knoxville,

Words can not truly express how grateful I am for all the great things you brought into my life. Every time I leave this city I remember how nice the world can be. Every time I visit another college campus I remember how dirty you are. You are truly the sin-city of the south. You gave me a life I could never dream of while watching soft core with my friends in middle school. Knoxville we have had some awesome times together. I am sad that our relationship is coming to an end. However you know I will always visit you in the fall for game day where we can go back to good ole’ times. Knoxville there is so many things to be thankful for. A special thanks for; sorority rush, 35 or more parking tickets, one arrest, two citations, fifteen-twenty pounds, your various chicken finger eateries, so much of my parents money, day drinking, your summer months of mayhem, fake id’s and drinking underage, waking up in unknown places, plentiful supply of poo-nanni, classes missed, experience earned, friendships gained, and overall poor health. I know I got a little serious there for a second. Knoxville you have brought out the best and worst in me. You were with when I graduated and you were with me when I woke up on the side of the street and my pants were wet. I have hit many highs and low’s with you by my side. Thank you for west Knoxville. Every other direction of your city sucks and it depresses me. I only go east, south, or north to eat somewhere good and cheap. It makes me sad that after five short years we are parting ways. I know you will miss me too. I know you will miss all the money I blow on nothing but food and alcohol. I know your party scene will suffer without me and people will start to wonder why they starting going to your bars in the first place. But do not worry I will be back. And one day I will give so much money to your city and for one reason only: the memories you made for me. I have plenty of reasons to hate you. You have made me hung over, sad, and broke all in one night. Nonetheless whenever I hear your name mentioned I will feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my eyes will fill with tears because you are and will always be: the place I rocked the hardest.

Love,

The majority of people who leave your city after graduating.

Tennessean- "This Party Really Died"

2009-05-29T18:39:00.001-05:00

I was driving into a place that I will leave silent (because thesefolks would seriously get salty). But the place I was entering had a sign posted before this gate that said "the best place in the south! :)" Well your sign posted above leads me to believe you are wrong. I'm not saying I would be "hatin" or even "violent" for that matter. But no booze? no blow? JUSSSTT Kidding. If I could take a guess I bet some of these things happen behind the big green gate. Once I drove down the mile long gravel driveway I was opened into a 157 acre farm with several "leadership" facilities. Hey...I was involved in college...I know what leadership training means....bow-chicka-bow wow. But with the rules posted at the gate Im guessing they actually do have a sober/terrible time.

*Real Quick Note: Why the hate rule? The sad thing is: Somebody at SOME POINT did something so awful that it was not only violent but was considered "hateful" to people enjoying themselves.

Enjoy yourself this weekend in your establishments allowing most of the listed above.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Never Leave Home Without It"

2009-05-28T14:37:00.001-05:00

Ok, here's the situation:

It's GameDay at the college football mecca of your choice.
You've been drinking for several hours.
The run-down of drinks have included, but not limited to, screwdrivers, beer, and bourbon.
You've played it smart and haven't "broken the seal".
You arrive at your seat in the stadium with minor injuries.
Right after you help belt out the National Anthem it hits you...
You've got to piss so bad it's like holding back Niagara Falls,
You've got to piss so bad that your left arm is starting to go numb,
You've got to piss soooooo bad that your almost willing to just piss yourself.

Well your in luck!
Go ahead and let the good times roll.
Why? Because YOU, my friend, remembered to wear your Stadium Pal!
(You definetly need to check the link before going any further)

Ok, I'm not even going to try to bash the product...it's too easy.
However, there is a part of me that knows I would wear this to a football game just once.
Why? A bet from a fraternity brother of course!
Free booze all day in exchange for wearing your Stadium Pal AKA catheter with piss bag attached to your calf.
The drinks keep flowing as long as you are....into your Stadium Pal, of course.
Bettor beware:
-Yes, your buddies can attempt to burst your piss bag.
-Yes, your buddies can tell everybody that come across.
-Yes, your buddies can try to expose your piss bag to anyone and everyone.
Let the games begin! Just be sure you get so drunk that you don't care about the above...

For a more poetic and descriptive understanding of the Stadium Buddy, I have attached a clip from the David Letterman show featering David Sedaris and his take on "man's best friend."

I Love My Girlfriend - "Heroes Amongst Us"

2009-05-28T01:55:00.000-05:00

OK, let me get this straight...I might live at home with the parents currently and do pretty much nothing all day long. However, I would still like to say that I have a life. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm normal. I'm a normal guy that does normal things with other normal people. It's people like this, in the video below, that reaffirms my normality. Enjoy.

If that's not enough for you....check out these other losers on their World Superhero Registry.

A couple of my personal favorite "superheroes" are 'Angle Grinder Man' (pictured above) and 'The Red Arrow'.

Management Trainee- "Three Day Weekend"

2009-05-25T19:55:00.001-05:00

1st things 1st: A huge thanks to all our troops and all those passed for defending our freedom.

The management trainee does not always live a great life, but at least he got to enjoy the national holiday. Unfortunatley down here in Tennessee the weather was rainy thus hendering aggressive drinking activities. Luckily I anticipated the inclement weather and decided to make the most of a sunday. I must say that yesterday was a great day in the neighborhood for alot of us that would normally spend sundays getting sad that monday is about to start. Below are two schedules. Schedule A=normal sunday. Schedule B=sunday prior to memorial day.

Schedule A:

-6:45 Am-Wake up naturally.

-6:46 Am- Quickly feel that hangover and go back to sleep

-12:00 Pm- Wake up for the day, start thinking about monday morning

-2:00 Pm- Eat unhealthy lunch to help the hangover

-2:30 Pm- Commence Tv/Facebook Marathon

-2:31 Pm- Get sad because there is not football

-3:00 Pm- Post ad on craigslist personals titled "lonely guy looking to get lucky this afternoon"

-3:15-4:00 Pm- Check gmail account for replies

-5:00 Pm- Force yourself to start laundry

-7:00 Pm- check gmail account and find no responses. Relieve thyself to overcome the loneliness.

-8:00 Pm-10:00pm- Beverly Hills Bordello/Facebook

-10:00 Pm- take sleeping pill

-10:00 Pm- Lay down and hope to fall asleep because you have to be up for work in 6 hours.

Schedule B:

-10:00 Am- Wake up naturally

-10:01 Am- Realize you did not go home w/ the girl you thought you did

-10:02 Am- Relieve thyself to overcome the loneliness

-10:12 Am- Constant water drinking to the point of vomitting.

-10:15 Am- Go back to sleep

-12:30 Pm- Breakfast provided by mom

-12:45 Pm ***this actually happened- Hear a knock on the back door of the kitchen. Answer the door to find your best friend in nothing but boxers.

-12:46 Pm- Best friend has to explain his whereabouts to you, younger brother, mom and dad that he got locked out of the house at 4:00am because he had to puke. Nobody would wake up to let him in so he slept in younger brothers car until this point.

-1:00 Pm- Send out mass-text to meet at parents house.

-1:30 Pm- Everyone comes over, go to beer store.

-1:31 Pm- Purchase 2 cases, one hotdog, one butterfinger, and one breakfast burrito.

-2:00 Pm-8:00pm- Drink in front yard of parents house.

-8:15pm- forced to eat dinner at Jack in the Box because every other place is closed because memorial day.

-8:30 Pm- Buddy gets kicked out of Jack in the Box- New Low

-9:00 Pm-Drive around trying to find place open with a bar

-9:15 Pm- Post ad on craigslist labeled "Come Strip for us and drink for free"

-10:00 Pm- Watch 5-6 midget wrestling videos

-10:05 Pm-02:30 Am- drink while watching cheaters marathon

I hope everyone out there ripped it up this weekend. Because today has been quite the party foul.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Awkward Family Photos"

2009-05-24T17:46:00.000-05:00

One of my favorite things in life is awkward situations...not for me of course, but other people. There is nothing that makes me laugh more. Well this latest craze on awkward family photos is the newest site to pass on to your friends for a good laugh.

You can enjoy more awkward shit like this mess above. What the hell was this familiy thinking?! The dad actually looks like he is enjoying this situation. Something tells me that mom and dad already had those costumes sitting around the bedroom....sick fucks.

One of my personal favs is "The Dribbler"...you'll see. Enjoy!

Awkward Family Photos

You'll thank me later...

5th Year Senior- "Nature At Its Best"

2009-05-22T19:39:00.000-05:00

This is one of the bets You Tube videos that shows nature in raw form:

I Love My Girlfriend - "OOOOK K K!"

2009-05-21T13:58:00.000-05:00

College Humor usually puts together some pretty funny stuff. My latest favorite is their translation subtitles they have so conviently provided for you in MTV's Cribs: The Ying Yang Twins.

God, I love these hoodrats...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I Love My Girlfriend - "NEWS FLASH! Pringles ARE Potato Chips"

2009-05-21T00:15:00.000-05:00

Well no fucking shit Pringles are potato chips! It took a higher court in Britain to make this earth-shattering new discovery. This was actually a big deal in Britain because they have a huge tax for all products that have "potatoness", which was an actual word used in court. So now, P&G owe $150 million in back-taxes and over $30 million more per year for their "potatoey" Pringles.

Now, for the depressing news...Our beloved Pringles are actually only about 40% potato with about 33% flour AND FAT!!! I've never heard of FAT as an acual ingredient but we should of known because why else would these chips be so good?! I don't even want to get into what the other 27% contains...

Either way, I would of told the courts to look at the actual fucking can of chips for the golden answer to their case. Now pay me millions, CASE CLOSED.

I Love My Girlfriend - "You Know You Have Too Much Time on Your Hands When..."

2009-05-20T20:08:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately, I have moved back home with the parents/roommates after just graduating. Right now, life sucks pretty fucking hard. I have a lot of time on my hands now that I'm home. I try to be productive and do random shit like wash my car just so I can call it a "productive" day. Let's recount my "productive" day:

-Woke up at 10:30, and yes, I consider that early.
-Ate Corn Pops
-Mom confronted me if I was a smoker, fucking great!
-Went upstairs to shower
-Met working friend downtown for lunch, Mexican was a good choice.
-Saw fat actor from one episode of Seinfeld. No, not Newman.
-Drove around aimlessly, checking out Nashville.
-Blasted two cigs on the way home.
-Stopped by public library to attempt to be productive.
-Checked out three books and two audio-CD books...we'll see how this goes.
-Arrived home, windows down, and aired out....because I don't smoke, of course.
-Watched one episode of Law & Order
-Actually did wash my car.
-Mom talked me into going to church on Wednesday...felt bad from lying about smoking.
-Sat in church, sang a couple good songs, thought about being rich in Vegas.
-Ate leftovers for dinner plus baked potato...better than McDonald's.
-Took a shit, now blogging, and found video of person who has more time on their hands than me...LITERALLY.

Recent College Grad-"Serious Pain"

2009-05-20T19:26:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note tyler perry's house of payne really sucks.

As if the commercials advertising this sitcom were not bad enough...just try watching an entire episode. Here is the issue: This show is considered "popular". Well what the hell? I spent 30 minutes of my life watching this sitcom and did not laugh ONCE. Maybe I just don't understand. Even when I think they are making a joke I don't laugh because it's not funny to me (or others like me for that matter). An example of a joke would be, "Yeah Martin...Yeah get yo fat ass out of that chair!"....Not funny. I like normal TBS humor like King of Queens where Doug puts mayo on his hotdog and then it gets all over some lady and she can't believe he puts mayo on his hotdog. THERE HAS BEEN 6 SEASONS OF THIS SHIT! I want my TBS living the dream lineup back.

And tonight is a marathon...looks like I'm watching foodnetwork re-runs of "best places to pig-out" (which by the way is awesome)

wiki article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyler_Perry

Management Trainee-"It's Highly Discouraged"

2009-05-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

One of the first things that happens when you start working for a company is a session where you and the human resources manager will go over the handbook covering workplace guidelines. It is safe to say you will not need to open the handbook again. However myself and a co-worker informed our manager that we would like to wear short-sleeved dress shirts one day a week for comic relief. She was quick to note: "sorry it's against company guidelines". She is definitley not on the short-sleeve train. So my co-worker decided to actually look into her response and he found the segment in the handbook covering company dress-code. The news was nothing short of uplifiting. He found that we were in fact allowed to wear short-sleeved dress shirts. However in italics it noted: This form of dress is highly discouraged. Why the hell is it highly discouraged? Here in about 2-3 weeks it is going to get hotter than hell outside and I would like to wear a f* short-sleeved shirt regardless if I look like a convicted sex offender. To be honest I would like to see a short-sleeve dress shirt revival. All it takes is one badass person to start rocking this look and it would quickly become a phenomenon. Just imagine if you were watching Celebrity Apprentice and trump was rocking a short-sleeve shirt with a power tie. Would you make fun? Probably not, because it's f* donald trump. When I own more shit then he does I can make fun of him, until then he's better than most people. There were also a few other things listed in the handbook that are highly discouraged. Here is a list of a few things:

-Moustache (another thing that I think will make a revival once the economy turns around)

-Hair below the collar line

-White dress shoes

-Clip-on ties (hahaha....wtf)

A clip on tie is unforgivable unless you are under five or you are wearing it to a date party/mixer.

Just imagine if in ten years the new standard is short-sleeve dress shirt and moustaches, thats a world I want to work in.

5th Year Senior- "Wake Up, Beautiful"

2009-05-14T12:53:00.002-05:00

After a night of silent slumber, you awake to someone standing next to your bed, staring at you. Enough to make you shit your pants depending on who it is. This is a list of 10 celebrities that you would hate to wake up to:

Michael Jackson

Ahhhh! Sorry, this picture just gave me a minor heart attack at 23. From "The Jackson 5" to this, what the fuck? We all know the story of his downward spiral between changing races to "being friends" with adolescent boys. Take a minute to look at this picture. Then take another minute to image his face looking over you as you wake with his surgically implanted stubble.

EDIT: This was made before the death of Michael. Very sad and tragic, and would also make waking up to him even more creepy.

Paula Abdul

This loony tunes brawd is also pretty damn hot for being old. But anyone who has watched an episode of "American Idol" knows that she is batshit crazy. As you wake up, think about her face hovering above yours crying hysterically. Creepy.

Spencer Pratt

I am not a fan of "The Hills". Ok, maybe I've seen one episode. Fine, I watch it religiously but only to see Audrina. I hate the word douchebag, but that is about the only word that can describe this guy. I hate him. And so does America. People like this should not exist and to wake up to him would be the most saddening event imaginable.

New York

This super slut became famous first on "Flavor of Love" and then on her own spinoff, "I Love New York". Her loud ass antics and general ghetto demenor are extremely aggrivating. To wake up with this "sista" next to you could be a health risk. STDs can't be transmitted through air, unless you are New York. To steal a joke from The Roast of Larry The Cable Guy: "New York has had sex with so many black dudes, every time she gets a pap smear, 40 murders are solved".

Peewee Herman

Anyone that was born in the 80's can claim Peewee Herman as a childhood hero. That is until he exposed himself to an crowd in an adult bookstore. Just imagine that same scenario as you wake up...

Courtney Love

As the lead singer of "Hole", she is still more famous for being married to Kurt Cobain. How he put up with this lunatic is beyond me. I can picture it now. You wake up to stumbling at your bedroom door only to find this coked out mess standing over you drooling and mumbling her own chemically induced language.

Steven Hawking

I know I know, he is disabled...but god damn is he creepy. Just think about him wheeling up to your bedside and typing on his computer speaker: "G-O-O-D M-O-R-N-I-N-G".

Tom Cruise

It's a true shame what has happened to Tom. After starring in such early movies as "Top Gun" and "Cocktail", the sky was the limit. Then he found Scientology. Whether it be forcing poor Katie Holmes to have a silent birth or eating the placenta afterward, Tom Cruise has officially lost it. This encounter would be a more startling wake up. He would jump up and down on your bed, slam his fists into the ground, and proclaim his love for Holmes just like he did on Oprah. C'mon dude.

Gary Busey

Just one look at this wack job is enough to make you cry. He is probably the craziest individual on this list. After seeing his cameo in an episode of "Entourage", to wake up with him at your side would be extremely traumatic.

Ryan Seacrest

This guy is just plain creepy. I don't know what it is about him. He seems to be on every show on TV and comes off as a complete tool. Waking up with him standing over you is enough to make anyone want to punch a baby.

Recent College Grad- "Get a good look Costanza?"

2009-05-11T20:00:00.001-05:00

Ever since graduating I'v been spending alot of time in the break room. By break room, I mean the daily TBS lineup known as the break-room. This truly is a beautiful thing and I really have nothing to look forward to until this. Besides seeing george costanza in seinfeld everyday I also ran across george in this incredible commercial from the 80's. I would say Dunston Checks In was a step-up.

Tennessean- "Big Knockers In My Mouth"

2009-05-10T21:36:00.001-05:00

As wierd as I probably looked getting a picture of this I had to take one to share with you all the costco's chicken bake. This is just one more thing that proves costco is the best place ever created. Now this is somewhere I like to spend my money. Just look at the combination of amazingness baked into a roll. Chicken=solid, cheese=amazing, Bacon=joy tears down my face, caesar dressing=cat's pajamas. Who would not bust in their kakis for this creation? There are plenty of good reasons to shop at costco and the chicken bake is one of them.

Other good reason to shop @ costco:

-Great service from people who love their job. (unlike wmart)

-Awesome pricing on bulk items

-Environmentally conscience by using sky windows instead of lights.

-Membership (means you won't have to deal with garbage while you shop)

-Multiple stands with food samples. (enough to make an entire meal)

5th Year Senior- "Dream Girl"

2009-05-08T02:23:00.000-05:00

We all know Megan Fox as the hot ass girl from Transformers. I came across this video that lets every drooling dude on earth know what it is like to wake up with her. Enjoy...

Management Trainee- "Dear Work Phone"

2009-05-07T19:00:00.001-05:00

You are:
1.) The reason I swear when I wake up in the morning.
2.) The reason I won't live past 50
3.) The reason I drink and abuse drugs
4.) The reason I have to take high blood pressure medicine
5.) Someone who owes me $200.00 per month for therapy sessions.

When I hear you:
1.) I begin thinking about my resignation letter to Human Resources
2.) I want to break you into a million pieces and then let someone with a STD screw you sideways
3.) I have to practice my breathing exercises
4.) All I can think about is my life crashing down
5.) My eyes fill with tears

The only time I like you is when:
1.) Is when I pick you up there is nobody on the other line or "wrong number"
2.) It is one of the sexy girls from the 1-800 center
3.) I need you to make personal phone calls regarding jobs on craigslist
4.) I am using you to make prank calls to the mayfield factory asking for "betsy dekow"
5.) When I use you to make annoying and hurtful messages about people over the intercom.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Sorry Douche, I'm Engaged"

2009-05-07T13:22:00.000-05:00

OK, this is fucking brilliant. Take a funny, popular YouTube video and remake it with the same theme into your own song and call it a "response" to the original. What you have as a result is another funny, popular video. The difference? The "response" is advertising a product in the actual video...see if you can catch it the first time.

Either way, it's free advertising to many many viewers while hitting your target market up. It also helps that the chick in the video is smoking hot. Finally, the product that they're are trying to get your money for is a fake engagement ring that you wear to bars so you don't get hit on by douchebags....smart, but you can forget your free drinks, bitch.

For $50 the fake engagement ring is yours along with a sleek keychain carrier. MsTaken.com

5th Year Senior- "Plaid Stallions"

2009-05-06T19:04:00.001-05:00

Am I the only one that wishes people still dressed this way?

I Love My Girlfriend - "Flying While Fat"

2009-05-06T15:59:00.000-05:00

This is the phrase that the media has coined for the latest economic injustice. Some airlines are starting to charge fat people more money to fly to their destination.

Don't get me wrong, I hate sitting next to these people while flying just like the next guy. Yeah sure, they smell and sweat a lot not to mention they take up part of the seat you paid for. We already know that when you get off the plane your back hurts from leaning the opposite direction from them and also that you're about to piss yourself because you didn't want to have to disturb to "aisle block". I'm not even so sure that I can get past the possibility that they could of swiped your complementary peanuts and snacks while you were sleeping.

So what exactly are some of the parameters that these airlines are considering taking?

1) How fat is too fat? - Airlines say you are a fat ass if you can't sit in your seat with the armrests down AND/OR if you need MORE THAN ONE seatbelt extender.

Ok, what the fuck? I MIGHT be able to understand the armrest part but a seatbelt extender?! Are you fucking kiddng me? Those seatbelts are long as shit as it is. Further research discovered that an extender adds 24 more inches. I suppose if they said the extenders added TWO FUCKING FEET then the fat people might get offended.

You can actually buy your own seatbelt extension online to save yourself the embarrassment of asking for one. These people are making a killing off fat flyers! $55 for a 24 inch extension...that's over 2 bucks an inch! See for yourself.

2) A body consious model? - Some airlines might adopt a pay-per-pound fat tax.

Oh great, another new add-on fee for airlines to charge. Considering half of America is considered overweight by health standards, this one should be interesting. I don't need an airline to tell me I'm overweight. I can see people getting reeeeeeeeally upset about this one.

Here's how the dialogue at the ticket counter would go...
"Ok mam, could you please put your luggage on the scale please?"
"Now would you please stand on the scale mam?"
"Thank you mam, by US-OMG-WTF regulations your luggage is 15 lbs overweight and you are 55 lbs overweight bringing your additional weight fees to $70. Enjoy your flight fatty!"

3) Too fat? Buy another seat or get the fuck out! - If the airline deems you as a "seatmate of size", which is what they are really calling it, then you have two options. Pay double the amount for the original seat for a grand total of two seats for your one fat ass OR get left behind at the airport to sulk about being too fat to fly. But hey, cheer up! At least most airports have Cinnabon, and you know cinnamon rolls will always be there to cheer up your fat rolls.

Lastly, I love fat people. They make me feel good about myself and usually have good stories/jokes. With that being said, please don't make me sit by them on an airplane.

I Love My Girlfriend - "dRunCk tExinG"

2009-05-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

The Ten Most Common Forms of Drunk Texting

1) The "fishing" text

The main determinants of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your determination to NOT fall asleep while texting.

Typically starts as a generic, "What are you doing?" or "Where are you?" Of course, this text is sent out to at least 10 potential hookups in hopes that at least one actually responds. When that sucker takes the bait and actually responds, it's up to you to reel them in with some more "smooth" talking.

2) The “Cock-up" text

When your T-9 fucks up what you're trying to say...

You work so hard to get just the right text to that certain someone and it takes FOR-EV-ER to get it all typed out and you the response you get? "Huh?" Two things happen at this point...A)Too lazy to retype and give up OR B)Determined for ass so you patch the text back together for another 10 minutes.

Examples: Raring = Raping / More = Nope/Nose

3) The "friend locator" text

One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Usually sent in times of dire need and/or emergency. These times include but not limited to having a fat stage-five clinger at the bar, snuck off to get head behind the bar, or if your about to get in a fight and need backup.

4) The "Declarations of undying love" text

No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. You people know who you are and what you say in these texts...keep on making us normal people look better!

You are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but they sure won’t and they will have the evidence in her inbox to show to all their friends.

5) The dreaded "Family" text

Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous. (See picture above for classic example)

6) The "SHIT! FUCK!" text

The name is derived from the words you say after sending it.
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or about you lusting for someone...but you send it to that someone that you were actually talking about. SHIT!...FUCK!

7) The "One-Eyed" text

By 3am focusing has become difficult and pretty much impossible. But far from deterred, your alcohol fueled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye and hold on to something stable with your non-texting hand. You determine son of a bitch, you! Make us proud!

8) The "Pre-gaming booty checkup" text

Usually sent while pre-gaming for the night. It sets the stage for how the night is going to go.

The innocent, "You out tonight?" should be translated as, "Just checking to see if your out in case I need to find you for some sex later."
Guys will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same bar as the girl, bullying his boys into going to that bar that they probably never go to. If they don't come with, you can count on the "friend locator" text later...

9) The "reminder" text

Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that, to remind yourself to do something tomorrow.

Examples: "Say sorry to Lisa" "Tim owes me 10 bucks" "Condom broke, buy pill"

10) The "morning after" text

While still buzzed from the night before, you send this text when you have to wake up early to piss out the ungodly amounts of alcohol you consumed only 3-4 hours ago. Similar to the 'morning after pill', it is used to correct some of the mistakes you made from the night before and also has a limited time frame to when it's still useful. The sooner the better!

5th Year Senior- "Winnebago Man"

2009-05-05T17:06:00.001-05:00

Next time you talk to a car salesman, or even better a Winnebago salesman, think to yourself: Do they have a fly problem?

Management Trainee- "Corporate Douchebags and the Things They Love"

2009-05-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

She is the only thing on this planet that can make a blue-tooth look good. Here is the reality: people like her do not where bluetooth ear pieces. The bluetooth ear piece is among the many things that corporate douchebags love that make them look like total losers.

Congratulations you have earned a degree and you have entered the business world. Many people decide to change their appearance during this stage to separate themselves in effort to look "grown-up". Here are things that young professionals do in attempt to look corporate but wind up looking like a real b-teamer. (the bluetooth point has already been made, but is one of the worst).

1.) Starbucks. If you drink it stop. If you love it, I am too late. People who walk into the office with their starbucks coffee think to themselves "yeah it's a triple mocha cream bla bla.." and their co-workers are thinking "why did you not drink the free coffee in the break room, you just spent 10 dollars on a cup of coffee, you suck." Lesson Learned.

2.) Multi-colored dress shirt with a tie. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to dress like an adult. In my opinion the only acceptable color for a dress shirt(when wearing a tie) is white or blue. Certain social occasions call for a light colored dress shirt, but even then they are discouraged. When I see someone walk into my place of business wearing a red shirt/black tie combo I want to ask them if they are with the fucking Gotti brothers. The sad thing is you probably spent alot of money on that awful attire. I'm sorry for offending you and your "fellas."

3.) Gelled Hair. This should go without saying but the fact is I see gelled hair all the time. Why are you still spiking your hair up? I can tell you from experience that when I or my co-workers work with clients rocking gelled hair we all make jokes later like, "hey the kid from free willy called and he wants his hair back." Another point: How old will you have to get to decide that gelling your hair is a bad decision?

4.) Shitty cars made into a convertible. Examples include; chrysler sebring, mazda miata, pt cruiser (piss poor), jeep wranger. If you decide to purchase a convertible go for something from another country.

5.) Expensive shots at the bar post work. It is very typical for everyone at the office to go out for a few drinks after work. This is a great time for a beer or whiskey/coke. Dude seriously you're co-workers do not want to get loaded up before going home to eat dinner with their families. Regardless there is always some tool buying "jager bombs" at the office happy hour. The funny thing is that the corporate douche-bag really thinks he is on top of the world during this time. While his co-workers are saying, "Why is Lucas buying shots?" Lucas thinks he is "networking." Guess who's back out of the network.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Coming to a Food Court Near You"

2009-05-04T17:24:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of ImprovEverywhere. It's a group of random people that sign up to do spontaneous, yet planned acts of awesomeness in different places. Be sure to check out all of their videos on YouTube. The fat lady with the "baby" really bothers me but the janitor makes up for her awfulness...check it out.

5th Year Senior- "If I Was a Woman..."

2009-05-04T14:37:00.000-05:00

As I sit here attempting to study for my last set of finals as an undergrad, there is only one thought running through my head...What if I woke up as a hot brawd? This thought has crossed my mind before but I'm really analyzing this question at the moment. If I were to wake up as a hot little blond with big tits and a fat ass, this would be my schedule for the day:

- 10:00 AM: Wake up to scratch my morning wood only to find I have no penis.
- 10:01 AM: Cry hysterically because my life has no meaning.
- 10:02 AM: Stop crying when I realize I have DD boobs and a vagina.
- 10:03 AM: Take in the situation and think to myself what I could do to make the best of this dilemma.
- 10:04 AM: Play with my boobs.
- 10:05 AM: Curious as to what all the fuss is about when it comes to multiple orgasms, I masturbate.
- 10:15 AM: Realizing what all the fuss is about, I masturbate 15 times consecutively.
- 11:30 AM: Hop in the shower.
- 11:35 AM: Press my boobs up against the shower door.
- 11:36 AM: Let out a really long and loud shower fart and laugh to myself because a girl just farted.
- 12:00 PM: Eat lunch.
- 12:05 PM: Feeling bloated, I decide to test a theory that has been proven by such scientists as Newton, Einstein, and Darwin: Girls don't poop.
- 12:06 PM: Attempt to blast a shit out to see if girls really don't poop.
- 12:10 PM: Wish I had not tested this theory when I realize that girls actually can poop.
- 12:11 PM: Shiver in disgust.
- 12:12 PM: Tweak my nipples.
- 12:15 PM: Thank god I am not on the rag...talk about ruining a once in a life time opportunity.
- 12:30 PM: Get dressed to go out and show off my new found body.
- 12:35 PM: Realizing that I only have dude clothes in my closet, I put on a t-shirt and jeans and prepare to go to the mall.
- 12:40 PM: Masturbate twice.
- 1:30 PM: Arrive at the mall and head for Victoria Secret to get some sexy lingerie.
- 1:45 PM: Realizing that I have no idea what I'm doing, I ask a hot brunette to help me out.
- 2:00PM: She enters the dressing room with me while I'm trying on a bra and I realize that I would have a raging hard on if I was still a dude at the thought of this situation.
- 2:05 PM: Tell the brunette that I have fake boobs and ask if she would like to feel them.
- 2:06 PM: She accepts and I immediately put this image in the spank bank for use when I go back to being a dude.
- 3:00 PM: Go back home with a new wardrobe.
- 3:01 PM: Feel kind of gay for buying a new wardrobe, but override this thought when I look at my boobs.
- 3:02 PM: Bounce up and down to watch my boobs jiggle...amazing.
- 4:00 PM: Arrive home and immediately strip down.
- 4:05 PM: Take pictures of my bangin' body for documentation.
- 4:06 PM: Wonder if it will be creepy to masturbate to the pictures when I turn back into a guy.
- 4:07 PM: Squeeze my boobs and realize, absolutely not.
- 4:30 PM: Cry.
- 4:35 PM: Can't stop crying.
- 4:40 PM: Realize that it must be female nature to cry about everything.
- 4:45 PM: Masturbate.
- 5:00 PM: Miss my penis.
- 5:01 PM: Cry.
- 5:02 PM: Fart and laugh again.
- 5:30 PM: Eat dinner.
- 5:45 PM: Feeling bloated, but don't dare test scientific theories again.
- 6:00 PM: Decide that tonight I am going to have a lesbian encounter.
- 6:01 PM: Really miss my penis at the thought of this.
- 6:02 PM: Shake my boobs around and feel better.
- 7:00 PM: Put on my new dress which shows off my flawless tits and look in the mirror:
- 7:01 PM: Damn I look good.
- 7:02 PM: Play with boobs.
- 8:00 PM: Head to a lesbian bar.
- 8:10 PM: Get in a car accident on the way, realize this is because I am a woman.
- 8:15 PM: Man that I hit is furious, show him my boobs and he calms down.
- 8:16 PM: He hits on me and I quickly realize how gay this situation is and leave.
- 9:00 PM: Get to the bar.
- 9:30 PM: Find two of the hottest lesbians.
- 10:00 PM: They buy me drinks because I am so hot.
- 10:01 PM: Think to myself how awesome it is to never have to pay for a drink.
- 10:02 PM: Remember that I can't drive because I am a woman, and realize that these two balance each other out.
- 12:00 AM: Take two hot lesbians home for a threesome.
- 12:30 AM: Video tape everything, for documentation of course.
- 1:00 AM: One of them pulls out a dildo at tries to put it in my ass.
- 1:01 AM: Give her the dolphin, remembering that my ass will soon be a dude's.
- 2:00 AM: Lesbians leave.
- 2:01 AM: Play with my boobs.
- 2:10 AM: Fall asleep.
- 10:00 AM: Wake up with morning wood and attempt to hug my penis because I missed it so much.
- 10:01 AM: Fart.
- 10:02 AM: Laugh and realize farts are funny no matter what.
- 10: 03 AM: Glad I am a dude again.
- Next Two Days: Don't leave house with due to videos, pictures, and spank bank material accumulated from the previous day.

5th Year Senior- "Library Rave"

2009-05-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

The stress of finals can be miserable, but these people found a way to squash it.

Recent College Grad- "IDK, My bed?"

2009-05-03T21:55:00.000-05:00

It is some what unfortunate but many people are turning to texting to make their late night hook-up dreams come true. What did people do in the 70's when they needed to make a light night booty call? Did they use land-lines? I'm just trying to imagine my house from college where I lived with six other dudes. What if we had to share one phone? I can already point out our friend who never get off the phone. He would have insane hands from just dialing the numbers 30+ times in one night. Either way since the economy is so bad I have had plenty of time to surf the web. And I stumbled across a very good website I think you all would enjoy.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Here were a few favorites:

-"Don't make out with my wife yet"

-"dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?"

-"i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude"

-"I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs."

-"My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry."

I could go forever.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Real Men of YouTube"

2009-05-03T19:32:00.000-05:00

Well I'm officially pissed. After surveying the YouTube top viewed videos EVER, I discovered how dominant Britain's Got Talent really is on the website. With all these great Britain singers coming out now I felt like the time was now to recognize a TRUE American YouTube hero. Susan Boyle doesn't have shit on this guy...

American YouTube Badass

UPDATE: The dude's name is Gary Brolsma and this sack of shit is now trying to make money off his own fat-ass antics. He made a new numa video that makes you feel embarrassed and awkward...not really worth anybody's time. The gift shop on his new website is mildly entertaining. You can buy a t-shirt for $20 or a fucking button for $4 with this shit on it...

Whiskey Dick- "Sexual Escapades with an Absent Condom" Very Graphic

2009-05-03T18:59:00.001-05:00

Have you ever penetrated without a condom? Terrifying….Amazing! Although most of us know the feeling while entering the holy land un-strapped with proper protection, it can be described as an immaculate sensation of pure ecstasy. This may be an epic feeling, but also may distract from certain premeditated questions that all guys share right before the initial thrust of the stallion. “Is there a chance that I may inpregnate this girl or can I rely on my skills to pull out just in time to bust on her chest?” These are daunting questions, but questions that most guys usually procrastinate in determining proper solutions until after penetration. Upon entering, it is here when guys develop a since of urgency by having to quickly determine and adequately weigh their options on where to unload. There are few methods that most guys concentrate on for determining a successful outcome of their sexual escapade with an absent condom.
-The first method is used by the more novice males who have little to no future; I introduce Method #1- “Pork the Nun and unload inside”. Screw it right? No, this is the most dangerous of all methods and may lead to the most undesirable outcome for any male outside of wedlock, the conception of a child. Although unloading inside would allow your little guy to experience the greatest and most pure form of an orgasm, it is not worth the pretty penny that would be spent on the little bastard child for the next 18 years. If you’re an idiot and choose to chance it, there is only one option at this point, morning after pill ($50). If you ask me, it’s like spending $50 on a hooker that causes more stress on your life than McDonalds raising the prices on the dollar menu.
-The most used of all methods and my personal favorite, I introduce Method #2- “Pull and Pray”. Pull it out right before you bust and send your junk flying all over her stomach and/or chest. If she is ok with this, or not, it can lead to a since of personal victory by strategically and skillfully pulling it out just in time to climax all over her upper torso without the stressful implications of fatherhood in the back of your mind. Although this allows for an amazing feeling of triumph for any male, this method does take practice and requires a certain set of non-pre-ejaculation skills that some guys may or may not possess.

-The third method is for the more experienced males who love the blow-j’s, I introduce Method #3- “Put it in her mouth”. This method requires a male to be savvy in his approach to unlocking the entrance of the mouth and the exiting down her throat. In most cases this method is only successful when getting the female off first. Although this may be difficult for some, it is appropriate due to the feeling of gratitude a female possesses after she gets off. This feeling of gratitude towards your hard work puts the female in the sluttiest state of mind possible, I like to call it the “I love your dick mode”. When she enters this mode, it’s imperative to capitalize immediately and close the deal. To do this a guy must move quickly from his current position to directly on his back and initiate what he really wants. With confidence that the female is willing, the rest is human nature and you will be left smiling.

I Love My Girlfriend - "Hotel Soap Story"

2009-05-03T18:23:00.002-05:00

Nice little story about those little bars of soap you get when you stay at a hotel...I find it funnier when you read it out loud.

_________________________________________________________
Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,

S. Berman

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.Thank you.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6 PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM and 5 PM.Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,

Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder

Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen

Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.

On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,

1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.

Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.

In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.

On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.

On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Tennessean- "Mullet Madness"

2009-05-03T16:01:00.001-05:00

That is a hard earned mullet. Location: Cave City, KY @ Mcdonalds for breakfast. I am surprised I managed to keep my appetite. But in all honestly it would take alot for me to lose my appetite for McDonalds.
I am just glad I could take this picture without her or family members noticing. I suppose they do not understand how mobile phones operate. Either way there is no doubt this person would have kicked the shit out of me.

5th Year Senior- "Halo Love"

2009-05-03T15:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Halo,

I am writing this love letter in response to your years of dedication. You were there for me through the awkward teenage years. You stood by while I was finding out exactly who I was, and I know it was hard. You provided support for the many hours that I could have been bettering my future by studying. I love you. I cannot begin to explain to you the feeling I get when I hear Double Kill, Triple Kill, and the ever so elusive Overkill. You know the way to my heart. I hope to continue our relationship for many years as I know you will always be there for me.

Love Always,
5th Year Senior

5th Year Senior- "Old SNL Commercial"

2009-05-01T13:34:00.000-05:00

SNL has really gone down the shitter over the past decade. This commercial was aired during the late 90's and is by far the best:

"Dillon/Edwards Investments"

5th Year Senior- "That Guy"

2009-04-30T23:19:00.000-05:00

The bar scene is full of unique characters. People that you may or may not choose to associate yourself with. This is a list of those people:

Billy Badass

This guy is most likely wearing a Tapout shirt or a jersey, because we all know how cool it is to get your crew together to wear jerseys. God I wish I was that cool. Anyway, this guy probably just pulled a needle full of roids out of his ass in the bathroom. There are usually no girls in his general vicinity due to extreme fear. He and his cronies came to the bar to fight and will not leave without doing so. At all costs, avoid this guy. If not for personal health reasons, do so to make sure you are not guilty by association.

The Crying Girl

We’ve all seen it. A group of girls consoling their betch. They are usually huddled around a table, a table that my friends and I could be sitting at, spewing all sorts of annoying girl nonsense. “You are sooooo beautiful Kelly!” “Fuck him, there are so many other hot guys out there!” “Man, I really have to shit, come to the bathroom with me!” More than likely this crying girl is upset with her boyfriend. She probably heard that he is at another bar rubbing his junk all over some slutty girl on the dance floor. And even more likely, this boyfriend is sitting on the other side of the bar minding his own business. I swear, alcohol turns females into rabid animals.

The Social Smoker

This guy is a disgrace to all smokers. He doesn’t inhale, he holds the cig like a Frenchy, and coughs after every other puff. He’s probably thinking to himself, man I look like a badass smoking this cigarette. It unfolds like this: He bums the cig from one of his buddies who gives him a “What the fuck dude?” look. It takes 3 or 4 attempts to successfully get it lit. He makes the comment, “Man this is gonna fuck me up!” Once lit, this guy holds the otherwise manly item like it’s made out of glass. Jesus dude, grow a pair. He will painstakingly take down half the cig before throwing it to the ground like he’s Brad Pitt from Fight Club. God, what a waste.

The Extra Drunk Sweaty Guy

This guy is a must for band parties. He is usually overweight. He also more than likely pregamed with whiskey and went straight to the bar for a double when he made his jolly appearance. It’s almost like Santa walked in. Everyone loves this guy. Not because he is awesome, but because he will provide guaranteed entertainment for the rest of the night. Sweat will pour from every inch of his body soaking his clothes. He will push and shove his way to the front of the stage, mowing over dainty freshman girls, just to put his boot up. It looks something like this. He has one foot on the stage with his elbow on his knee. The other hand is holding his double whiskey and coke, usually with a napkin wrapped around it. This free arm is also used to wipe the unbelievable amounts of sweat pouring from his head. His main move is the fist pump. He knows every word to every song and sings as loud as he can. He probably thinks he is friends with the band members, and hasn’t missed a show in 4 years. Man this guy is important. He will be the last to leave, and will more than likely be the annoying guy when you get back from the bar that wants to take shots.

The Shot Buyer

So you are low on funds, and are forced to buy two dollar PBRs all night. That is unless, you find the shot buyer. This guy is always from an extremely wealthy family. And his Dad thought it would be a good idea to give his retard son a credit card. Your plan of attack should be to stay within a ten feet of this guy at all times. When you hear the words, “Who wants a shot?”, pounce. He’s probably really fucked up and wont remember buying you 3 SoCo and Limes, 2 Doubles, and if you’re lucky, some Patron. Just laugh while this kid’s father pays for the majority of your bar tab.

God I love the bars.

The Writers- "New Staff"

2009-04-30T21:51:00.000-05:00

Hello all,

I would like to let you know we have three new writers to Tennessee Before Daylight:

-"5th Year Senior": This writer will blog about everything college, especially the latter years.
-"I love my girlfriend": This writer will blog about whatever he sees fit, especially regarding girlfriends.
-"Whiskey Dick": I will smack you with this

Recent College Grad- "They're coming to your city"

2009-04-29T20:44:00.000-05:00

So it's a thursday night and all your buddies who are still in college call you up. Of course it's not friday yet, but when you're friends tell you a classic 80's band is in town you suddenly find it hard to resist such a solid time. Okay it's not a big deal, just set three alarms, go home by 1:00am, and drink some water. So much for that idea. After listening to these cats, the recent college grad was 3 hours late to work and very dis-oriented. Lesson learned. But let's go back to the good stuff. If you go to school in the southeast you are bound to see this group. This group of guys in their late 40's (who look around 25) are known by many college students as the Pygmies. And they have made many freshmen dreams come true. Let me explain. Every fall a week comes around called, "rush week" and part of rush week includes the monday night when every freshmen sorority girl gets to go out for the first time. The "pygmies" are always playing somewhere on that special night. I have not only experienced the rush of being at an 80's band party when a freshmen, but I have also gotten to observe other freshmen sucking face while listening the Summer of 69. My first experience with the pygmies was my freshmen year. I was highly intoxicated and they were playing their opener, Nothing But a Good Time. And that is exactly what I was having. The lead singers always threw out condoms to get things moving, but 5 years later they have gotten a little more up front. This past week I decided to make an appearance. I know pretty pathetic, but what else can you do living in a college town as a graduate. Instead of handing out condoms, they were pointing people out in the crowd and saying, "Hey girl, are you having *** with him tonight!" WOA. Now these freshmen don't even have to try. Lucky....

Either way if you see these guys on the billboard for your post-game band party I would make an appearance.

Management Trainee- "Hey Peter..."

2009-04-29T20:35:00.000-05:00

Haha. Very Nice. Wikipedia has a page on TPS reports. Quick piece of advice for those about to enter the working world: you are banned from several websites. Especially one like facebook. Which really sucks...but wikipedia has become my new fix while at the office. There are only a few websites that the management trainees have access to, and this is one of them.

If you are ever bored on the internet, and have already looked through that freshmen girls spring break pictures, try checking wikipedia out. They have a page for everything. Another funny one that I ran across was titled, "Move Bitch" It is an entire article that explains the lyrics to a Ludacris favorite. An actual excerpt from the article reads, "Ludacris warns his on-lookers to stay out of his personal life or he will inflict pain upon them." Who the hell wrote that article? "HOLD ON DAWG Im almost done with this wikipedia article?!

Either way TPS report is not just something from the cult classic Office Space. It is an actual report. Being entry-level we can feel the pain of having more than 1 person who likes to "keep up with your daily activities."