The Ten Most Common Forms of Drunk Texting
1) The "fishing" text
The main determinants of a successful "fishing" text are the amount of alcohol in the person receiving the text, how filthy/desperate they are, and your determination to NOT fall asleep while texting.
Typically starts as a generic, "What are you doing?" or "Where are you?" Of course, this text is sent out to at least 10 potential hookups in hopes that at least one actually responds. When that sucker takes the bait and actually responds, it's up to you to reel them in with some more "smooth" talking.
2) The “Cock-up" text
When your T-9 fucks up what you're trying to say...
You work so hard to get just the right text to that certain someone and it takes FOR-EV-ER to get it all typed out and you the response you get? "Huh?" Two things happen at this point...A)Too lazy to retype and give up OR B)Determined for ass so you patch the text back together for another 10 minutes.
Examples: Raring = Raping / More = Nope/Nose
3) The "friend locator" text
One of the only types of text to be sent without sexual motivation. Usually sent in times of dire need and/or emergency. These times include but not limited to having a fat stage-five clinger at the bar, snuck off to get head behind the bar, or if your about to get in a fight and need backup.
4) The "Declarations of undying love" text
No doubt the most embarrassing of the drunken texts. You people know who you are and what you say in these texts...keep on making us normal people look better!
You are unlikely to remember them when you wake in the morning with a dry tongue and a throbbing headache. YOU may have forgotten what you sent the night before but they sure won’t and they will have the evidence in her inbox to show to all their friends.
5) The dreaded "Family" text
Doesn’t happen that often, but to those few who accidentally text their parents or other family members, it can be disastrous. (See picture above for classic example)
6) The "SHIT! FUCK!" text
The name is derived from the words you say after sending it.
It typically occurs when you are writing a text that bitches about someone or about you lusting for someone...but you send it to that someone that you were actually talking about. SHIT!...FUCK!
7) The "One-Eyed" text
By 3am focusing has become difficult and pretty much impossible. But far from deterred, your alcohol fueled brain discovers you can remain focused on the message provided you close one eye and hold on to something stable with your non-texting hand. You determine son of a bitch, you! Make us proud!
8) The "Pre-gaming booty checkup" text
Usually sent while pre-gaming for the night. It sets the stage for how the night is going to go.
The innocent, "You out tonight?" should be translated as, "Just checking to see if your out in case I need to find you for some sex later."
Guys will make it their mission to ensure they end up in the same bar as the girl, bullying his boys into going to that bar that they probably never go to. If they don't come with, you can count on the "friend locator" text later...
9) The "reminder" text
Normally sent just after 2am to yourself. The "reminder" text is just that, to remind yourself to do something tomorrow.
Examples: "Say sorry to Lisa" "Tim owes me 10 bucks" "Condom broke, buy pill"
10) The "morning after" text
While still buzzed from the night before, you send this text when you have to wake up early to piss out the ungodly amounts of alcohol you consumed only 3-4 hours ago. Similar to the 'morning after pill', it is used to correct some of the mistakes you made from the night before and also has a limited time frame to when it's still useful. The sooner the better!
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