Management Trainee- "Dear Work Phone"

You are:
1.) The reason I swear when I wake up in the morning.
2.) The reason I won't live past 50
3.) The reason I drink and abuse drugs
4.) The reason I have to take high blood pressure medicine
5.) Someone who owes me $200.00 per month for therapy sessions.

When I hear you:
1.) I begin thinking about my resignation letter to Human Resources
2.) I want to break you into a million pieces and then let someone with a STD screw you sideways
3.) I have to practice my breathing exercises
4.) All I can think about is my life crashing down
5.) My eyes fill with tears

The only time I like you is when:
1.) Is when I pick you up there is nobody on the other line or "wrong number"
2.) It is one of the sexy girls from the 1-800 center
3.) I need you to make personal phone calls regarding jobs on craigslist
4.) I am using you to make prank calls to the mayfield factory asking for "betsy dekow"
5.) When I use you to make annoying and hurtful messages about people over the intercom.