Monday, May 4, 2009

Management Trainee- "Corporate Douchebags and the Things They Love"



She is the only thing on this planet that can make a blue-tooth look good. Here is the reality: people like her do not where bluetooth ear pieces. The bluetooth ear piece is among the many things that corporate douchebags love that make them look like total losers.

Congratulations you have earned a degree and you have entered the business world. Many people decide to change their appearance during this stage to separate themselves in effort to look "grown-up". Here are things that young professionals do in attempt to look corporate but wind up looking like a real b-teamer. (the bluetooth point has already been made, but is one of the worst).

1.) Starbucks. If you drink it stop. If you love it, I am too late. People who walk into the office with their starbucks coffee think to themselves "yeah it's a triple mocha cream bla bla.." and their co-workers are thinking "why did you not drink the free coffee in the break room, you just spent 10 dollars on a cup of coffee, you suck." Lesson Learned.

2.) Multi-colored dress shirt with a tie. If you want to be treated like an adult, you need to dress like an adult. In my opinion the only acceptable color for a dress shirt(when wearing a tie) is white or blue. Certain social occasions call for a light colored dress shirt, but even then they are discouraged. When I see someone walk into my place of business wearing a red shirt/black tie combo I want to ask them if they are with the fucking Gotti brothers. The sad thing is you probably spent alot of money on that awful attire. I'm sorry for offending you and your "fellas."

3.) Gelled Hair. This should go without saying but the fact is I see gelled hair all the time. Why are you still spiking your hair up? I can tell you from experience that when I or my co-workers work with clients rocking gelled hair we all make jokes later like, "hey the kid from free willy called and he wants his hair back." Another point: How old will you have to get to decide that gelling your hair is a bad decision?

4.) Shitty cars made into a convertible. Examples include; chrysler sebring, mazda miata, pt cruiser (piss poor), jeep wranger. If you decide to purchase a convertible go for something from another country.

5.) Expensive shots at the bar post work. It is very typical for everyone at the office to go out for a few drinks after work. This is a great time for a beer or whiskey/coke. Dude seriously you're co-workers do not want to get loaded up before going home to eat dinner with their families. Regardless there is always some tool buying "jager bombs" at the office happy hour. The funny thing is that the corporate douche-bag really thinks he is on top of the world during this time. While his co-workers are saying, "Why is Lucas buying shots?" Lucas thinks he is "networking." Guess who's back out of the network.

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