It's Friday night and that means one thing; let the debauchery begin. Massive amounts of alcohol will be consumed in rapid succession to slowly take years off our lives, but who really wants to live past 70 ? Adult diapers and hoverounds…gross. I like to look at it as a work out for the liver. There are many choices that come with a night out, important choices. Choices that could make or break the night.
Choice 1: Which beer to pregame with?
This is an important choice to many college students living on a budget. Depending on the amount of funds, one could go high class with Bud/Miller Light, or the always trusty and thrifty Natty. If youre really feeling like a big spender you could go with some Blue Moon, but then youd be a pussy
Choice 2: What to wear?
This is important because the goal of the night is to get laid. To shower or not to shower. If you’re gonna hook up tonight, and that is the plan, you don’t want your gooch smelling like a Taco Bell fart. Shower it is. On to the outfit. You want to look nice but you also don’t want to try too hard, and it's obvious when you do. You could go t-shirt and jeans to come off like you don’t give a shit or you could go with the button up and khakis to try to impress. Come to think of it, when everybody's hammered, who really gives a shit, so fuck it.
Choice 3: Where to go?
Gel your hair, put in your diamond studs, and don your graphic tee…let’s go to the club. Just kidding. But seriously, if you frequent the club scene, you make me and many others want to vomit. Each campus has its individual bar scene, but each has the same categories. You’ve got the underage bar. This is the bar that EVERY underage girl/annoying sophomore dude goes to. The ass potential is great and the talent is unbelievable. But then you have to deal with the crying girl drama and the wanna be hardasses that will try and fight you for blinking. Then you've got your all dude bar. Pool tables, dart boards, and arcade games are staples at this bar. You'll get negative ass for attending, unless youre gay, then it's perfect. Next we’ve got the preppy/pretentious bar. This is the bar that you walk into and get fifty “What the fuck are you doing here?” looks. People go to this bar to hang out with other people that don’t want to be around people like you. Fuck this bar. Finally you've got the old balls bar. There is some potential to beat, but this comes with a price. Most females at this bar are seniors to grad students and this takes away from your ass getting potential. One, these girls are probably fat. Two, they are probably smart. So if you sac up and decide to binge drink until they are hot, they are probably too smart to fall for your pathetic attempts to fuck. Damn, should’ve gone to the underage bar.
Choice 1: Which beer to pregame with?
This is an important choice to many college students living on a budget. Depending on the amount of funds, one could go high class with Bud/Miller Light, or the always trusty and thrifty Natty. If youre really feeling like a big spender you could go with some Blue Moon, but then youd be a pussy
Choice 2: What to wear?
This is important because the goal of the night is to get laid. To shower or not to shower. If you’re gonna hook up tonight, and that is the plan, you don’t want your gooch smelling like a Taco Bell fart. Shower it is. On to the outfit. You want to look nice but you also don’t want to try too hard, and it's obvious when you do. You could go t-shirt and jeans to come off like you don’t give a shit or you could go with the button up and khakis to try to impress. Come to think of it, when everybody's hammered, who really gives a shit, so fuck it.
Choice 3: Where to go?
Gel your hair, put in your diamond studs, and don your graphic tee…let’s go to the club. Just kidding. But seriously, if you frequent the club scene, you make me and many others want to vomit. Each campus has its individual bar scene, but each has the same categories. You’ve got the underage bar. This is the bar that EVERY underage girl/annoying sophomore dude goes to. The ass potential is great and the talent is unbelievable. But then you have to deal with the crying girl drama and the wanna be hardasses that will try and fight you for blinking. Then you've got your all dude bar. Pool tables, dart boards, and arcade games are staples at this bar. You'll get negative ass for attending, unless youre gay, then it's perfect. Next we’ve got the preppy/pretentious bar. This is the bar that you walk into and get fifty “What the fuck are you doing here?” looks. People go to this bar to hang out with other people that don’t want to be around people like you. Fuck this bar. Finally you've got the old balls bar. There is some potential to beat, but this comes with a price. Most females at this bar are seniors to grad students and this takes away from your ass getting potential. One, these girls are probably fat. Two, they are probably smart. So if you sac up and decide to binge drink until they are hot, they are probably too smart to fall for your pathetic attempts to fuck. Damn, should’ve gone to the underage bar.
Choice 4: Which girl to pursue?
This is either going to make your night epic, or make it like 99% of your other late nights. Alright this gets tricky. It involves a ballet of texting, phone calls, and sad embarrassing game. Two choices here. You've got your guaranteed, kind of chubby girl that will definitely be DTF. There is no work involved with this one. Feel free to throw out the one liners. Example: “How bout we got back to my place and fuck?” This will most likely work. But, you’re gonna have to pound some beers to cut down on the chubbiness. Granted, these lbs. will be there in the morning, but you’re horny, and it will for sure be worth it, even if all you get is a hand job. Alright blow job, I can give myself a hand job. And if you’re feeling ambitious, you’ve got your hot, hard to get girl. You've had frequent contact with this girl but the most action you’ve gotten is an awkward goodbye hug. Maybe even a high five or handshake. There is huge potential to embarrass yourself. Hypothetical situation. You get blackout and for some god forsaken reason you think the hot girl gave you "fuck me"”eyes across the bar. Let’s send her a text. It reads: “I sai u lokin at me..lets go brck to my place”. Beautiful delivery. She'll definitely be down. An hour and a half and 5 beers later, still no text. Shit, one more hail mary: “This i ur lrst chance”. Now she'll realize what she's missing. Time to move on to the chubby chick. The bars are closing and you’re on your way back. Call. No answer. Call again. Still no answer. Shit. She probably got blackout and passed out. Fucking guaranteed ass. Why do chubby girls always drink too much? This is when it hits you that you have no game. You have a moment of deep depression, but quickly get over it when you remember the pack of cigs sitting at home. Time to get in bed, put on some Asian massage porn, and whack off. Due to your level of intoxication, it takes thirty minutes. Pass out. All in all, it was your typical Friday night at the bars. So, you didn't get laid, big deal. Thats what Saturday night is for. You’ll get over your failures from the night before, send the hot girl some more texts, and probably snuggle up to some more Asian porn.
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